I had a rough day, emotionally, yesterday. Recurrent loss (even if they were with my own eggs and mostly prior to heart beat scans) robs me of the ability to believe, from day to day, that I am still pregnant. I just wasn’t feeling it at all yesterday and it was a total mind fuck that put me in an almost paralyzing funk.
Today is a new day, and my birthday at that. My son woke early from the excitement of knowing he’d made a card for me that he couldn’t wait to give me. I heard him singing to himself in his room by 6:30 so I went in to welcome the day with him. He practically hurled himself out of bed to grab the card and give it to me. He is so sweet!
My husband usually sleeps in (by that, I mean until 7:30 on work days) but even he came out to join in the birthday revelry. He told me earlier this week that he’d gotten me a couple of ‘little’ things and asked if I wanted them or wanted to wait (and I opted to wait). He also said something like “you may have more use for one of them in a few months”. I had no idea what he meant. He presented me with two wrapped packages: one was the new Backstreet Boys CD (I mentioned in passing that I wanted it) and the other was a Kindle! He was foreseeing possible bed rest down the road and thought the Kindle would come in handy. He is so sweet! Now I can load the 50 Shades series and re-read them all (And, my aunt works at a local library and libraries offer free e-book downloads, cool!).
These days in between concrete affirmation that this pregnancy is continuing are so hard for me. I find myself practically holing up in bed. Today, I have some errands to run (my husband dropped the vial of PIO last night which shattered on our stone bathroom floor, so I need to pick up a new bottle) and my son is out of school early. I made no other birthday plans (which isn’t the norm as I generally really enjoy celebrating my birthday with friends but am feeling too fragile this year).
I am not depressed, rather I love that it is my birthday and that I am <hopefully still> pregnant. I am just fearful and in need of reassurance that things are progressing. There is something in the IF world that I call the “36 hour phenomenon” wherein the relief from confirmation that all is well (whether by beta or u/s or OB appointment, etc) lasts about 36 hours before the doubt and worry set in again. There’s nothing we can tell ourselves, no logic or pragmatism, that quells the discontent.
Let me be clear that I am abundantly grateful to be pregnant and I am looking forward, with cautious optimism, to all that this pregnancy holds. However, it is a frightening and scary place to be. I am acutely aware that there are no guarantees and simply wanting this as much as I have ever wanted anything in my life won’t necessarily protect it and see it through to fruition. I am trying (trying, trying) to just be and let it be but it is so, so hard for me. Ignorance would be such bliss but I know way too much for that.
I am not sure what it is about risk assessment where a hard fought pregnancy is concerned, but I have a 95% chance (odds or miscarriage range from 2 – 10%, depending on who you ask, but 5% is what has been consistently quoted to me), now that we’ve confirmed the heart beat, of having a positive outcome. However, it is far easier (more natural, for me, even) to focus on the 5% chance that things will not work out.
Hope and fear make strange bedfellows. Nevertheless, I hover somewhere in betwixt most of the time. It positively moves me to tears every time I think of how grateful and happy I am to be here and how much I want this to work. This gift of possibility, this hope for the family completeness I have struggled so hard for, it both cuts through me and cuts me wide open. Please, please, please, please, please.
“Hope and fear are inseparable. There is no hope without fear, nor any fear without hope.” ~François de la Rochefoucauld
I started having pain in my left side on Mothers Day morning, so much so that I stayed in bed most of the day because whenever I walked it killed me. It is hard to describe, but essentially if I bore weight on my left leg I felt a deep pain in my left side about ovary level. If I was seated and stood up, it hurt. If I twisted, it hurt. If I was lying down or otherwise motionless, I felt nothing. At any rate, when it was still the same or worse yesterday, I did check in with my nurse to see what she thought we should do. My RE seemed perplexed and recommended rest but I made an appointment for today (thinking ectopic pregnancy) if things didn’t improve or got worse. Even though I felt slightly better today, I kept the appointment because I wanted a detailed ultrasound of my left ovary and cysts to hopefully rule out ectopic and I wanted a chance to see how things were going with the pregnancy. Yes, it has only been 4 days since my last ultrasound. Sue me.
He did do a thorough exam and I am tender on both my right and left sides (I have one cyst on my right ovary and two on my left). It does not appear that an ectopic pregnancy is at the root of my pain but it was unclear as to what is. There is no blood in my uterus or in my tubes, which could also cause pain. The cysts have remained consistent in size, so growth isn’t a factor either. We agreed that I would continue to rest and come back immediately if the pain worsened.
The embryo is measuring 7w1d (I am 7w tomorrow) and the heart rate is now 125bpm. It is louder and much more distinct than just four days ago. The yolk sac was clearly visible but the embryo is pressed against the wall of the sac which is against the wall of my uterus, so it was hard to visualize much.
My next u/s is still scheduled for Wednesday, May 23 when I will be eight weeks pregnant. I am still having a hard time believing (and finding daily reassurance) that things are continuing, but they are.
As I was getting ready to leave my appointment, I noticed that all the nurses, coordinators, the med student, and my RE had congregated outside the consultation room I was in. They presented me with a lovely birthday card they all signed, a bouquet of beautiful sunflowers, and each wished me a heart felt happy early birthday. It moved me to tears as they hugged me and expressed their warm congratulations on this pregnancy. It is so humbling to have these care givers so enthusiastically invested in our good news.
For now, I continue to take things one day at a time while taking nothing for granted. I try not to beg the universe too much or too often for a successful outcome but its hard not to dip into desperation sometimes. I am so attached already to this gift, that I have to rein myself in emotionally. I wish I didn’t have to. I wish that ignorance was bliss. But those simply haven’t been the cards I’m usually dealt. Cautious optimism is a more prudent, if more difficult, pursuit.
“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy
I am relieved and elated to report that there is ONE embryo, measuring 6w3d, with a prefect heart beating at 120bpm. My EDD is 1/1/13.
I did feel surprisingly calm while waiting for my RE to come into our room. I did not look at the screen at first to just give him time to see what he was going to see. At some point I looked over and saw the one sac and the flicker of a heart beat. I held my breath as I asked him to do a thorough sweep of my uterus to make sure that he didn’t think he saw another. However, given that this beautiful one was measuring right on for where it should be, I felt reasonably sure that we had a singleton.
I had him show me the heart beat over and over and asked that we get to listen to it more than once. It is amazing, that this teeny, tiny organism has a clear and recognizable heart beat. I love that beating heart.
He said he has never had a patient so relieved to NOT be having twins. He hugged me four times during the course of our visit and it is so touching to have the enthusiastic support and feel the warmth from him and his staff. It is humbling to have that many people invested in our positive outcome.
I return in two weeks and we will begin weaning off meds. I’ll have one more visit after that and will then be released to my OB (and I may actually switch to an OB closer to our home, but I need to fully consider that).
I thought I would cry and had there not been so many people in the room (my RE, a nurse, a med student!, and my husband), I probably would have. I know I was holding my breath and I said a silent prayer of gratitude. I truly felt the collective consciousness of those who held us in their good thoughts and I thank you.
This is the next in a long line of hurdles to actually bringing home a baby, but I continue to be humble and grateful to have been given this chance. Sometimes, I can’t believe this is happening to me, to us, to my family. It feels, for the moment, that the universe has my back.
I am grateful to all those who want to pray or think good, positive thoughts for us during our ultrasound this morning. Some have asked what time our appointment is so that they can think of or pray for us at that moment.
Two hours from now, we’ll know.
I thank anyone who would hold us in their good thoughts.
“There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.” ~Alfred Hitchcock
In 39 hours we’ll know more about what is going on in utero. This week has been easier than others mostly because I feel pregnant, so my bad thoughts are not on endless loop. I am also trying, and mostly succeeding, at staying in the moment, knowing that there is nothing I can do to think this into a different reality.
My concern is planted firmly in whether there is more than one, but I remain hopeful that there’s not. Again, I’ll deal with facts when they are presented to me. There is no need to fret. We have a plan, regardless of whether I want to execute it.
It is interesting to be more nervous about multiples than about a viable pregnancy (as I was with my first (and every subsequent) ultrasound with my son). I am not panicked and that is a good thing. Yes, it is highly likely I won’t be the first person to look at the ultrasound screen on Friday, but I believe it will be OK; I and we will be OK.
Mel from Stirrup-Queens left a comment to my last post and expounded upon the sentiment in this entry today (and I am so touched by her care). She is right, you know. So, so right. In particular:
“Life is hard; but you will get through it. And I know this because you’ve gotten to this point, which means that you have gotten through so many other moments you didn’t think you could get through.”
I am still incredibly grateful to have been given this opportunity and I do have tools and resources to draw upon. I know that I cannot affect the outcome more than by just being a responsible pregnant woman. There have been plenty of other struggles in my life that have prepared me to be in the position I am in. I have trust in myself and my care providers. I will continue to take things as they come and will not stress in between. I’ve read a lot about epigenitics and my body’s role in carrying this pregnancy. The calmer physical and emotional environment I can create, the better.
39 hours? As my son would say, “I can wait 39 hours.”
“Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there.” ~Author Unknown
(And, my aunt works at a local library and libraries offer free e-book downloads, cool!).
