Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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On Wanting a Girl

I want to preface this by saying that there can be strong opinions regarding gender selection in the infertility world. If we had been able to conceive on our own or through ART (own egg or donor egg) through the numerous cycles we attempted, we would have been grateful to have had whatever gender we were blessed with. Now that we have chosen to adopt, we are afforded the opportunity to consider gender in terms of an already conceived child and in terms what we’d like for our family. Down the road, we may amend our decision.

I have always wanted a daughter. I think this is in large part to have the kind of mother-daughter relationship I’ve envisioned having. So badly did I want a girl that when we did PGD with our 2nd (successful) IVF, we had 4 “normal” male embryos (2 that arrested) and 1 “inconclusive” female. I tried to rationalize with my husband that we should take a chance and put the girl back, too. Uh, not so much. It was wishful but not prudent thinking.

I consider myself a spiritual rather than religious person and believe in a universal life force. I’m on the fence about the legitimacy of psychics. However, on a whim, I saw a psychic with a friend during a bridal expo (to this day, I have no idea what a psychic was doing at a bridal expo. I mean, do you really tell a bride “Don’t do it! Run for the hills!” at a bridal expo? But, I digress.). This particular psychic asked me nothing, beyond my name, and told me to hold a question in my mind/heart. I was dating my husband at the time and my question was along the lines of “will I ever have children?” (I cut to the chase, bypassing the proposal or marriage question entirely.) It surprised me when she answered by saying that I would have a child, a boy, but not until I raised the one I was with. I seriously laughed out loud, but I got it. My husband DID have some growing up to do. When it turned out that the normal embryos from that cycle were boys, I thought immediately of that psychic.

After my three miscarriages from naturally conceived pregnancies and BFN from my first IVF, I decided to consult with a hematologist. I wanted to rule out any clotting issues I might have had. I was referred to a local hematologist who did a complex battery of tests. Over consecutive blood lettings they took 2 pints of blood to analyze and do regression analysis with. When the results were ready, he called me in to discuss them. He explained that mostly everything was normal but that there was a borderline issue with my platelets. He discussed what issues that might cause during pregnancy. He was warm and affable. As I was leaving, he called to me. I turned around and he said, “By the way, you will have a boy”. It came so totally out of the blue that I simply smiled and went on my way. I mean, I’m not sure how someone reacts to that newsflash from a virtual stranger. Was there something in my blood? But, his words stuck with me and I filed them away with those of the psychic.

As we all know now, we did go on to have that boy. From the moment I learned I was pregnant, it felt right to me that my first born would be a boy. Even though, on some level, I thought I wanted a girl, it felt like the universe had another plan. Perhaps because of the death of my brother, I thought it fitting and somewhat full circle. The gratitude I feel at having my son still brings me to tears. And, throughout our attempts for a sibling, my inner voice has whispered that perhaps I am meant to mother boys. That aside, since we only desire to have two children we would welcome the opportunity to parent a girl. There are a number of other reasons besides just wanting to experience parenting both genders:

  1. Both my husband and I were adopted into families with one same sex sibling (in my case, my older brother was killed, so it eventually it was just my sister and I).  We feel that there is something complex about raising a biological and adopted child of the same gender (at least that is OUR experience).   Perhaps there is something more straightforward in parenting an adopted child of the opposite gender than the biological child.   By gender alone, they will be different (as would be two biological siblings of opposite genders) so they won’t be different solely because they are adopted (this comes from our experience in constantly being compared to our sibling by the outside world (teachers, friends of the family, doctors, etc)
  2. From the time our son could speak and we began discussing having another baby with him, he has always wanted a “girl baby”.  No matter how we phrase the question, he has consistently wanted a sister.  And, while I know he would adapt, if we have the opportunity for him to be a big brother to a little sister through adoption, we’d like to attempt it. I believe in his case it will make the transition to big brother easier.
  3. We are older parents.  We want our son to have family once we are gone. Women tend to hold families together and proactively keep in touch. Although we can’t predict what kind of relationship our children will have after we are gone, I feel that having a girl increases the likelihood that they will stay in touch.
  4. Given what will be a 4+ year age difference, it will be nice to perhaps have a different set of activities and interests and the ability to see the world anew threw the experiences of a girl.

This has all come about through lengthy conversations about what we think we’d like for our family.  We only considered things in this light because adoption affords us the opportunity to.  I know many others don’t or won’t agree and that is OK.

7 comments to On Wanting a Girl

  • […] much as we were probably told some version of what we wanted to hear. While we do want to adopt a girl, we may have either not gone with this particular agency or we would have known we needed to […]

  • […] hard about how we wanted to complete our family and ultimately arrived at the decision to adopt a girl. We were told that specifying gender could extend our wait by double (and their average wait time […]

  • I think gender preference is so fascinating and everyone has them whether they admit to them or not. We actually chose to adopt a girl too, mostly for your reason #1 (and I’m feeling somewhat validated by this hearing your experience as an adoptee, even though that won’t ring true for everyone). Also, a part of me thought, you only live once, and if given the chance, how amazing to get to experience parenting both genders, right?

  • Tireegal

    All very singular and well put and well thought out! I’m curious about which was the one that the adoption agency had not thought of.
    A $5 palm reader once told me I would have kids but I would have to wait til I was older. Boy was she right!

    • iiwii

      It was #3. The founder of the agency is a father to 3 boys. He’d never quite thought about someone wanting a girl with the hope that she would keep the family together and he got what I meant by it.

  • my husband’s sister (and only sibling) is adopted. his parents too wanted one of each, and after they had their biological boy, they didn’t feel anything wrong with making sure their adopted child would be a girl. if you can pick, and you want to, why shouldn’t you?

    it definitely makes me wonder, which one would i pick if i could choose? if i knew i were having another child (biologically or through adoption), which would i want?? i think i might still want to leave it “up in the air.” who knows. it’s fun to think about.

  • I always thought I wanted boys. A psychic once told me I’d have “twin boys… who might not come together.” I think that’s why I thought it’d be easy to get pregnant with one of the frozen embryos we had leftover from O’s cycle. Alas, that’s not to be.

    But just this morning, O was insisting that he had a baby sister. Even when I said, “sorry, sweetheart, you don’t have a brother OR a sister [yet, I said to myself],” he kept INSISTING that his baby sister was a girl.

    *sigh*

    But anyway. I don’t think you should have to justify why you want to parent a girl. I don’t think it’s wrong to want one gender over another; I see fertiles do this all the time, actually. I mean, yes, you want a healthy child, but it’s okay to want one versus another.

    In my opinion, of course. :)

    xoxo

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