Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"



Attitude of Gratitude

I have mentioned before that I feel like I live in a perpetual state of gratitude. I am acutely aware of how fragile and fleeting this one life we’ve been given is and I try not to take it for granted. My daily appreciation hangs out at the edges of my consciousness and has become part of who I am. It stems from losing my brother and almost losing my life in an accident when I was eleven. But the fires of gratitude have been stoked all my life by the wonderful, if hard fought, ways that things have unfolded. I really don’t know why some things have to be so hard. I don’t always believe that ‘everything happens for a reason’ because sometimes there are no reasons. Sure, we might learn a valuable lesson from having gone through something difficult or challenging but that is not necessarily the reason something happened. Making sense out of the senseless doesn’t make it any less senseless in the first place.

More than even my struggle with infertility, the process of deciding whether to domestically adopt to complete our family took a huge toll on me. I am just not an indecisive person. I am thoughtful, well researched, well considered, even measured sometimes, but not indecisive. But that year of do nothing that spanned from my DE cycle failure through the end of 2010 sucked my life energy dry. That prolonged period of angst and strife and worry and vacillation was completely unlike anything I’d ever been through.

It wore me down and wore me out and subtly but obviously changed my daily attitude. Even though we’d made the decision to adopt and were through Phase I and had begun our home study, I was still in a malaise. I knew it was going to be up to me to pull myself out of my hole. And so, I committed myself to doing so. It’s been 19 days since that post and I have not had a bad day. Even today, though I am not feeling great, and after an emotional day yesterday after having a revelation that sent me to the Internet to find a therapist, I have not slipped back into the rut of negative thinking that plagued me.

And it has to do with living in gratitude. Not the blow smoke up your ass gratitude, but the to my core, humble, I am so lucky to be who I am and have what I have having trudged through hell sometimes to get it, kind of gratitude. I acknowledge and accept that my journey has not been easy. Tragedy and loss have been by life’s route markers. But everything that the struggle has taught me about who I am and what I want for my life and my family, makes me grateful for having gone through it and to be standing in the life that I live today.

I attended a memoir writing workshop last night. It was not at all what I expected. I expected it to be a lecture.  We  did discuss the components of a memoir and the leader of the workshop read excerpts from many.   However, we mostly did a number of timed “free writes”.  We were invited to read our passages aloud. We spent time talking about finding one’s voice in writing the story. And that made me think.  Sure, my story is often sad and painful.  It hurts me to remember parts of it.  Death of loved ones is a haunting recurring theme. Somehow though, when I finally write the story, my voice will be one of gratitude.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
~Thornton Wilder

11 comments to Attitude of Gratitude

  • Mon pronostic :Stade Français 11 – Racing Métro 204 essais dans le match dont le 1er à la 12ième minute.(le date de clôture des pronostics est correcte ?)–Ihryll.(serais-je le premier ?)

  • It started this way..,"You worthless fucking liar – no one has proposed any such thing you fucked up lying fuckwad." TUMmyYou're wrong. Despite the well documented instances you presented demonstrating RepubliDUms presently funding both FEMA and the National Hurricane Center, the fact remains you and your ilk are proposing future cuts.Are you denying that, tummy? Yes or no.

  • Doesn’t make me wonder. It’s Hezbollah hands down.It “goes back” to the fact that Hezbollah, a fanatical religious group, wants the destruction of Israel.You might not have noticed but Israel withdrew from Lebanon in 2000. A withdrawl considered complete by the UN. So there is no issue of occupied land here. You must be thinking about the West Bank.But Hezbollah didn’t keep to their side of the bargin. Call me an old fashioned liberal but Israel gets my support.

  • ,”Nothing.” I think everyone has their own personalities and I think just do my best and not think too much. Eye contact would discover their true motives or attitudes.

    • Chris when you find out the details share them with us all. A large site like this is something we can all benefit from. I have the flint hills on my list of photo pilamirgges for next spring and this extra area would be good. Ernie

  • Benden de sıze bır nıck "EÄŸer Benimle tartışacaksan Bana Bir Dakika Ä°zin Ver Beynimi Çıkartıp Geleyım Åžartlar EÅŸit Olsun…. :) Anlayana Tabiiii

  • Congrats on the paperback realsee! I know some of my friends have been waiting for it. I’m not a young adult anymore, but I fell in love with Witchlanders anyway. Do you have plans to write a sequel? Sorry, I guess people ask that all the time!

  • […] I decided to chose to live with an attitude of gratitude, I have been in a consistently better mood, even through the many stressors of life. However, […]

  • […] need catharsis so much. The good news is that, throughout, I have been able to maintain my attitude of gratitude. It is surprising to me that just making a conscious shift in how I look at/feel about things has […]

  • Happy ICLW!

    It sounds like you have been on an amazing journey to get where you are today, and are about to embark on another exciting part. I hope that your trek into adoption is successful and helps you to complete your family.

    I loved your post..I need to try and remember to take on this attitude more often when I feel myself sinking into the depths. Thanks for reminding me. xx

  • Sue

    I am happy for you – both that you made this profound choice of gratitude and are determined to live it, and that you are sharing it with us.

    Someone once explained to me about “gratitude in advance” a concept that involves being thankful in advance for what you hope to have manifest in your life. I tried it for awhile, but it got lost somehow. Your post reminded me of that. Thanks!

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