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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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All in my head

Part of the issue with this struggle (to have another child) is that it mostly goes on in my head. Depending on the day’s events or even the sum from the week, the conversation may be different. If it’s been a rough few days of toddler tantrums or even a sick toddler, my thoughts might be along the lines of, Girl, you are almost in your mid-40s, and this is not easy. Maybe you ought to accept your limitations, cherish and revel in what you have, and let it go. Conversely, if it’s been a great day or easy week I might think, You really can do this. How lovely it will be to have another life to love. Good for my soul, good for my son, good for my family. Let’s do it!.

Often, though, the thought catalyst is from friends either announcing their pregnancies (for which I am easily and excitedly happy for them) or actually having a baby (whether it be their first, but particularly when it is their second). And, given the age span of my friends, it happens pretty regularly either naturally or through ART. And my thought is I want that experience again. I want to mother a newborn. I want a baby and another child in this family. I WANT! I WANT! I WANT!.

Again, this all goes on, pick your loop, endlessly in my head. And, to make matters worse, because my OB firmly believes that given my low FSH, regular ovulation, and open tubes, I could get pregnant naturally, don’t think I haven’t been trying. And, the thought, always lingering in the back of my mind is, why couldn’t it be me?. So, even against all the wisdom, facts, and stats that I know are true, month after mother I fall victim to dreaming that we’ll be one of those later in life, post IVF couples, that gets pregnant naturally, thereby providing a full biological sibling for our son, and ride off into the glorious family of four sunset.

The problem with all of this is two-fold: first, my thoughts are mine and mine alone (because, really, why involve my, I don’t know, HUSBAND, in any of the mental acrobatics); and second, none of it really advances the goal of actually bringing said baby into our family (other than the well timed you-know-what monthly).

I’ve been hesitant to even discuss it with my husband because I know that he is content as a family of three and unless and until I am fully committed to a plan, why bother. But the problem with this approach (oh, I know there are many) is that I love him and trust his advice and counsel and really he is the only one suited to muddle through this with me (and be the eventual beneficiary of whatever decision is made).

We came this close to putting an offer on a house this week and making such a big decision (especially one complicated by my family (but more on that at another time)) stirs up all kinds of emotion (and the very pragmatic question of why do we need four bedrooms?). We had the beginnings of a conversation unilateral discussion wherein, while crying, I spoke out loud my desire for a sibling for our son, not wanting to be a family of three because that isn’t what I’ve ever envisioned, the family life I want desperately to create, and so on. My husband listened, was mostly silent save the occasional head nod, never approving or rejecting the idea and understanding, I think cognitively, where I am coming from. And, while I can’t say it advanced the ball down the court, it does feel like the ball is finally ON the court.

15 comments to All in my head

  • Yea that would More important is how long your muscles had rest since their last Guessing not the usual you can expect them to preform less than normal, but it’s better than them not getting a workout

  • O my goodness!!! These are so cute!!! Makes me want a new baby! I guess that I could make some for my daughters dolls! My poor hubby is bald and he has a few t shirts, that do look awful (ie, he keeps a bright yellow shirt, with a big smiley face on the front)! Some are from his teen years in the 80's!!! They sure would look better on him of I turned them into a few hat's! Do you think he would wear them?[]

  • Lysestaken er fantastisk, har sett pÃ¥ den selv :-) Tror det var i rødt eller mørkerosa. Har ikke sett den i lyseblÃ¥ før. Iallefall veldig fin. Og skapet ditt er ogsÃ¥ nydelig. Ha en fin kveld! Jeg er som du skjønner stadig innom Ã¥ titter til deg. Alltid like moro:-) Anita

  • tversity have srt subtitles? i been try find it crap hard find shit itcan you please help me for clear better indoction for how srt subtitle on ps3?

  • That’s cleared my thoughts. Thanks for contributing.

  • yes.. Govt.. and PTA speciall ban the FaceBook overall.. Im in.. this is wrong the Zionist are used these entertainment website to insult the other religious believes.. And effort is Quite much humiliating for the Muslims.. i think they are testing us that how far we can go… so i requested all The Muslim Brothers and sister, this time we should give them the Maximum so that they wont be able to do such an activities again..

  • Labor OutsiderReally good,insightful posts. As for “KR obviously doesn’t know much about economics” I agree and neither does Swan but for me that’s a strength Little knowledge being dangerous etc.Much prefer that Ministers listen to advice from up-to-date professionals rather than rely on ‘knowledge’ that is completely out-of-date.

  • I’d ventrue that this article has saved me more time than any other.

  • Now that the ball is out of your head and in play, I hope things go in the direction you want, and that your husband is on the same page (to completely jumble metaphors).

    And I hope you had a good weekend :-).

  • Its not easy, but you’ve got a lot of us rooting for you! KEep your chin up! Thinking of you

  • Heather

    Exactly my situation as well! I got lucky on my first IVF at age 40 . . . baby is now 16 months old. We’ve decided not to use ART again (too lazy? don’t want to mess with our winning streak?) . . . but I just turned 42, so another baby the natural way is looking highly unlikely (though we were “unexplained,” I am sure the explanation is the obvious – old eggs)! I’m somewhat torn about another one, anyway. Sometimes I really want another . . . but other times I don’t want to mess with the lovely equilibrium we have achieved. But, I have kept all the baby stuff, so I guess I’m not completely ready to close the door.

    Good luck!
    Heather

  • Hi there,
    I am here from LFCA. I read your blog and thought it was me writing it. :) I am in the exact same boat right now. I am struggling with Second Fertility. (First child was conceived on first IUI.)
    I have done 5 IUI’s and 1 IVF in the past 16 months with no eggs to freeze. When I first started the IVF process, I told everyone…”This is it! If it doesnt work, I am done!” But once it failed…my heart told me I wasnt done. Though, the money says we are. So, I had lunch with a couple of women who have adopted through foster care. After listening to their stories…my heart still said that “You arent finished trying.”
    I told one of the ladies this and she said that I have to follow my heart. Because if I dont…then I will regret it in the future. I am only 31 and have tons of time. But our little family of 3 just does not feel complete yet. And if yours doesnt either…dont give up. I know we need our husbands for this process…lol…but let your husband know that if you dont do this…you will have so many regrets.

    I am not sure if you have done any research or not. But try looking at the Male Supplement DHEA. Suppose to help with Ovarian Reserve. Could help with getting pregnant naturally. Also, Vitamin C for males. Good Luck!

  • Gods yes. I want…I say it aloud all too frequently. I wish I had an answer…it’s only money constraints that’s keeping us from trying again. But i hear you,i hear you…

  • Hello, I saw you on LFCA under Misc. posts & felt compelled to give you a glimpse of what it was like to choose not trying for a second child & raising the only child that was conceived through IVF (1997). My wife was 38 when she delivered J. and had a very rough couple of years between the lack of sleep, some post partum blues & having the energy to keep up. At the time she was adamant abt not going through another cycle at 40, before it became too late. Now, she wishes she had at least tried. Our J. is very sad and has been sad for a long time that she does not have a sibling. She sees her cousins who are in twos and wishes for that. I don’t know whether it would have been the right choice but I know that my wife has some regrets. I am an infertility specialist to boot, so it would not have been a big deal. I do know, from experience, that you cannot put off the decision for too long..although with donor eggs/adoption you can be a mom later in life, of course. Take care…good luck & be grateful at least that you suceeded! We are! ICLW #7

  • Aw sweetie. I wish I could tell you just how much this post resonated with me. Because despite the fact that I’m not certain how we would, logistically, manage a sibling for O, I hear the “I WANT THAT!” in my head/heart all the time. And don’t think I haven’t been trying, too.

    Anyway. I understand – you’re not alone. And I hope that getting it out, ONTO the court, will get you onto the same page.

    Thinking about you.

    xxx

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