Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




I am adopted (as is my husband). Even though we are trying to adopt, I rarely think about it in terms of my own adoption. In fact, I rarely think about being adopted at all. As I said to a friend, it’s like having green eyes, which I also don’t think very much about; it is a part of who I am. And, when I think of our adopting as part of the story of how we created our family, I have mostly thought of it in terms of how it will affect my son, what his relationship with/to her might be like, and vice versa. Of course, I think about how having another child, a newborn, will be for me, for my husband, and for our new family of four dynamic but I also haven’t really thought too much about how it will affect my own extended family.

I know very little about my birth parents and what non-identifying information I do know is from when my birth mother relinquished me. My family health history begins and ends when my birth mother and father were 26. My husband knows even less about his birth parents. So, while our son will know everything about us and our health histories, he will know next to nothing about those of his birth grand parents.  He sees my parents and my husband’s mother as his grandparents, as he should.  I have never considered how the fact that both my husband and I are adopted might affect my son’s perception of his grandparents down the road and his own desire for more ancestral information.

Taking it one step further, my sister is the biological child of my parents so her children have a biological link to my parents. I wonder how this might affect my son’s perception of his cousins and/or their relationship to my parents. My parents are very involved with my sister, her husband, and their children and much less involved with me, my husband, and my son. A bullet point in a post from a blog that I’ve followed for a long time, mentioned jealousy issues between the blogger’s mom (the blogger is also adopted) and the paternal grandparents. The maternal grandmother is jealous of the biological link that exists between the paternal grandparents and her granddaughter. Now, I don’t have that issue because my husband is also adopted, but it did prompt me to consider whether my mother views my son differently than she views my nephews with whom she does share a biological link.

This all caused me to ponder how it might be if we have an open or semi-open relationship with the birth mom and her parents and what if her parents are more interested, involved with our daughter than my parents are with my son?

Not only that, but I’ve also considered whether I should search again for my birth mother. I did search for her in the 1990s through a private investigator who believed with 99.9% surety she had found my birth mother. She made contact with her and the woman denied having placed a child for adoption. I left it at that, respecting that if it was her, she didn’t want to be found. I would love to just see a picture of her, and of my birth father, to see myself staring back at me. I’d like an updated health history more than anything. I have a whole post brewing on my being adopted that I hope to share soon.

I’ve gotten a few books on open adoption, on going from one child to two, and read many an adoption blog. I have decided to start seeing a therapist who specializes in adoption so that I can be best prepared in welcoming another child into our family. Knowledge is power.  One thing that the adoption process affords is time and I have used it to ponder a lot lately.

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”
~Anthony Brandt

5 comments to Pondering

  • Thanks for sharing this. Your writing on what biological relationships do and don’t mean is really thoughtful. I am really close with my step mother (who married my father pretty soon after my biological mother died when I was 6). My relationship with her proves to me that the importance of genetic connections are totally socially constructed, but I still have a lot of issues with letting go of the idea of having my “own” kid biologically. Still not sure why this is…

  • Mel

    You have a lot to think about, but you’ve given the reader a lot to think about as well. They’re questions that you may not have clear answers to even after therapy, though I think it’s a good idea to think through all these questions.

  • It’s a lot to think about. And largely involves little people whose beliefs/values/concerns etc we can’t yet know. I say “we” because I too have wondered how my son will feel about his origins. Knowing he is not genetically linked to his father (and his family) or me (and my family). I want to comfort and reassure him and the extraordinary preciousness of his existence. But will he feel alone in some way? I’d like to read more on your thoughts about your adoption issue. Thanks so much for sharing this post.

  • You’ve got a lot to chew on, there! Yeah, I also wonder about birth vs adoptive grandchildren/relationships for our family, and how having or not having family/genetic information will feel for my daughter and her children. My grandmother was adopted (1930s style, no real “process” to speak of) and I do occasionally wonder about that part of my family, but I have her and my mother’s health experiences to fall back on. I think it’s great you’re seeing a therapist if that feels right, it does make sense to sort this stuff out while you’ve got some free time.

    Oh, do you mind sharing the title of your book on going from one kid to two? (Or is it pretty focused on the first year? – ‘Cause that ship has sailed…) I’m also on the hunt for one on managing sibling dynamics, and parenting four year olds if you have any leads. I’ve done a bit of reading on adoption, but feel like I need to brush on some of the basic parenting stuff!

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