Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Baby steps

I am actually feeling a bit better emotionally. Perhaps it is because I’m feeling physically better; perhaps it’s because I have some distance from leaving my job; perhaps it’s because I’m finding a rhythm to being a SAHM; perhaps it’s because the weather is improving. Or, perhaps it’s because my husband and I were finally able to have a direct conversation about the idea of adding a sibling to our family.

Let me start by saying that one of the many things that infertility robs you of (and especially when you are also over 40) is the whole catch as catch can idea of “well, let’s start trying and see where that takes us”. Most fertile couples, who may have had an initial conversation about how many children they’d like to have, aren’t forced to think about family building in the same way as someone who uses ART that might include donor eggs, donated embryos, or even adoption has to. They simply decide when to start trying again, and do so, never giving any or much thought to it (or that, g-d forbid, they won’t become pregnant).

We had to painstakingly plan our IVF attempts for a sibling. How many were we prepared to do? How many could we afford to do and still have money to put toward some other pursuit if we weren’t successful? When would we start? And, as attempt after attempt failed, we had to seriously consider a Plan B, which we both always thought would be adoption, but somehow made a left turn at donor egg. And I was prepared for exactly ONE donor egg cycle. So, when that failed and the subsequent FET from that cycle was canceled because the embryos didn’t survive the thaw I was done, done, DONE with ART.

That was July, 2009. Now, just post my 44th birthday, here we are. My husband and I tend to have our best, most thoughtful conversations when we are out to dinner alone celebrating something (his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary). This year was no exception. I started the conversation by saying, “Let’s assume that we’ve decided that we want to have another child, a sibling for our son. How would you prioritize the way in which we’d do that?” I needed to hear how he’d come at it ASSUMING we’d made that decision (which we most certainly have not, which is a whole other post, and harkens back to what I mean about the lengths to which infertile couples must go to build their families).

My husband’s response was that we should adopt. He seemed categorically opposed to me being pregnant again (because of my 5 month + 1 week of complete bed rest with our son and his fear, that even though we know now what we didn’t know then, I’d end up on bed rest again WITH a toddler at home to care for). He also mused that if we were to adopt that yes we should adopt a girl.

I asked hypothetically if he’d prefer me being pregnant in order to have a genetic sibling over adoption and proceeded to proclaim that while I was done with invasive ART, I might be open to doing some unmedicated, natural IUIs just to boost whatever paltry odds we’d have at conception. And, surprisingly, after confirming what that actually meant, agreed that in lieu of pursuing adoption immediately (because I can’t seem to muster the courage to get that going), he’d be amenable to some IUIs.

What it all really means to me goes back to where we started when we began doing IVFs when our son was 5 months old. We wanted a biologic sibling and we tried, tried, tried to make that happen. Given this conversation over dinner, the truth is we do want to have another child; we just may not be ready for that child to come to us through adoption.

So, it’s all very hypothetical, but we seem to have had a break through in that the reality is we haven’t completely mourned my infertility and, we both would want a genetic sibling to our son even if that meant me being pregnant again (and of course that’s the case given just how many IVFs we did!). And, while I’m not 100% sure that I would even want to spend the money on IUIs since 5 IVFs were unsuccessful, I am relieved that we had a discussion, got some things on the table, and took baby steps toward SOMETHING. Inertia has been the death of me (or my spirit anyway).

And, like everything infertility related, I think it is all a process. Maybe to move on to adoption, I have to close the door on my fertility (which I think I thought I had) and perhaps in order to do that, I need to do a few IUIs. That sounds even ludicrous to me to say, but who said sanity ruled the day in the insane world of infertility. I am generally a decisive person. I do my research on whatever it is and when I feel I’m informed, boom, decide. I never feel more grown up than when toiling over this issue. I really, really wish this all didn’t have to be so hard.

14 comments to Baby steps

  • This is exactly the motivation I need to finish a tiny project before I move. (packing, gearing up to go visit family to show up at a nephew’s graduation and camping is taking up a lot of my time. won’t be able to you feel the stress coming off of me? LOL). By the way, we are hoping to close on a house this week.

  • How beautiful! I am a Flannery O'Conner fan too. Have you read her collected letters, they are in a book called The Habit of Being. She was quite a character and you really get to meet her in this book.

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  • Natürlich geht das! Genauso wie es geht, dass man Fan von mehreren Vereinen ist. Denn es zählt, um Fan zu sein, nicht nur die Stadt in der man wohnt sondern noch Komponenten wie: symphatie, Lieblingsspieler, Lieblingsorte….Also geht es auch als “Vereinsfan” ein Fan der Nationalmannschaft zu sein.

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  • In awe of that anewrs! Really cool!

  • Sue

    Oh, I’m so glad you were able to discuss it! Regardless of what you decide, just having the discussion removes a weight (of the elephant in the room) and makes things a little better (at least in my world). :-)

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    • Pour éviter l’agacement de lecteurs normaux, évitez, s’il vous plaît, les mots geeks qui rebutent les non-spécialistes ou non-geeks – ici #fail. Ce n’est pas la première fois que je vous vois faire ça.Je profite de ce message pour vous féliciter pour votre blog, toujours d’excellente qualité.

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    • You’re sweet, Alexandra. I definitely am not doing anything special but I am glad you think my writing’s getting better. Maybe just the repetition of practice??I love your story! Children start out with such positive images unless someone tells them otherwise. I remember my own son telling me I looked like a princess. That was before I started saying I was “fat.”

    • You can definitely see your enthusiasm in the paintings you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to say how they believe. At all times go after your heart. “Every man serves a useful purpose A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.” by Laurence J. Peter.

  • I’m glad you are feeling better these days. I am also glad that you and your husband were able to have a good conversation. I know I always feel better and more centered after one of those. . . they are pretty rare with little ones around!!

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