Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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The fog is lifting

After so much change in my life in a short span of time, I finally feel like the fog is beginning to lift. It’s due to a number of things: joining Weight Watchers to FINALLY get this weight off; starting my days with a 3 mile, 45 min walk; having success in potty training my son (over Memorial Day weekend!); an improvement in the weather; planning our 7 yr wedding anniversay (and 10 years together) soiree in October; working to develop/deepen some friendships; and utterly enjoying my son, every day, for probably the first time in his life because I am not distracted by trying to execute some plan for bringing a sibling to our family. In fact, just yesterday, on my walk, it occured to me, that more than 24 hours had passed since I’d even given any thought to trying to have a baby or moving forward with adoption (the endless “what am I going to do” loop that has played near constantly in my head since my son was born).

It’s almost like having that conversation with my husband and his being supportive (if even in a hypothetical sense) of our having another child somehow gave me permission to stop obsessing over it. It was such a cathartic and relieving conversation, the effects of which have lasted many weeks.

It seems so hard for me to admit that, even though I’ve felt like a good mother, I haven’t given myself the opportunity to actually enjoy it because I’ve been so consumed about what to do next. And, while I do have some amount of guilt over that because of what I’ve missed in not being fully present every day, I am also grateful that I’ve come to realize it now, when I also have the benefit of being a SAHM for a bit, and I can enjoy/look forward to/and revel in the awesomeness that is my son.

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