Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Angst

We just returned from a week long family cruise and had a lovely time. We really needed the break, all three of us, from the routine of our lives and it was so good on so many levels. First, there was nothing to be done (save the three loads of laundry I eventually did) — no grocery list or shopping, no meal planning, prep or making, no dry cleaner, no picking up, cleaning up, or otherwise doing chores or errands. For my mostly Type A personality, that alone is BLISS. Second, our stateroom was lovely. It was bigger than any other outside stateroom with balcony that we’ve had before and our son had his own “room” behind the room length curtain we pulled closed every night. The bathroom was split, so one room had a sink and toilet and the other had a sink and tub/shower (yes, TUB! Our first on-board bathtub. I didn’t use it, but it was great for my son’s bath time). Third, our son LOVED the kid’s club, so much so, that at one port we had to drag him off the ship crying because he didn’t want to leave. Fourth, everyone, from the crew to the other guests were so nice. And, even though we were on the mother of all family cruise lines, we never felt overwhelmed by other families or their children. I suspect this had a lot to do with this not being a warm weather cruise so there was scant pool time which is where most families would otherwise congregate. Finally, even though the food was mediocre (at best) it was plentiful (fresh cut watermelon, pineapple, honeydew, cantaloupe and don’t even get me started on the breakfast buffet) and I only gained 1 lb.

But, here is the rub, there is no amount of distraction that fully diminishes the strain of the wait of adoption. It is an ever present undercurrent. During my 8 ART cycles, I found the 2ww to be the worst part. The seemingly endless ruminating over “Am I/I’m not” was grueling. However, it was finite. Since I typically had my beta at 10dpt, it was ten days. I have said it before and it bears repeating, for someone for whom the wait is the hardest part, ART has nothing on adoption. And, it doesn’t really have anything to do with patience so much as the nebulousness of nothing happening.

I know (and admire) prospective adoptive parents who have waited one, two, four years . In all honesty, I am not sure how they manage to do it. I am angst ridden enough at 8 months in (and 5 months since our profile became active) that I am already reconsidering other avenues. I’ve begun to look for donated embryos again. I’ve begun dialogues with friends who could be surrogates. I just feel like I must be proacting in order to preserve my sanity.

Maybe it is my upcoming 45th birthday. Maybe I feel the reality that because we have a biological child, the adoption deck is stacked against us. Maybe I feel the pressure of my son growing up and already not wanting him to be this far apart in age from his sister. Maybe it is the cumulative guilt over waiting so long to marry then waiting a bit to begin trying to conceive and then the years struggling with surgery and ART until we finally (and blessedly) had success but could never replicate that success and now just wanting to hurry up already. Maybe is the time already spent trying to have a sibling; we are 3 1/2 years in. It will likely take us twice as long (or more) to have a sibling than it did to have our son.

I am a doer. I execute. Waiting is my death knell. It feels like quiet desperation, which, if you have ever felt that, you know how wearing it is. I am still wrangling with what else to do. And I simply do not know.

6 comments to Angst

  • Oh, I totally could have written this post! Waiting is the *worst* and I’m absolutely lousy at it. Our agency told us at the beginning that the wait time averaged a year to 18 months. We knew one woman who waited 5 years. Good grief. All that said, we were shocked when our wait was 6 weeks. Ack! Some time to prepare would have been nice … Hoping that next month is your month!

    And yes, we were on the same cruise ship (how funny is that?), but we got on in Vancouver the day you got off. Maybe we even had your room ; ) That kid’s club saved our lives. Squeaker is a runner/doer and it was the best place for him to let off steam. That and the family dance sessions …

  • Sian

    Waiting is hard…so so hard. I’m trying to keep myself distracted. We are on four and a half months and so really in the beginning. I have no good advice. Just that if it works for you and soothes your soul…then do it. Waiting for a miracle xxxxxx

  • Rebecca

    I’m a doer, too, so I get it. I hesitate to suggest what I’m about to b/c I completely empathize and agree with your decision to adopt a girl, but here goes. Maybe you should consider revisiting the gender question in order to open more options. And here’s my experience (you and I have emailed before so forgive if I’m repeating myself). I have three boys: spanning 2-11 years old. And as ungrateful as this sounds, I cried every time I found out I was not having a girl. My husband was very disappointed that we never managed to have a girl. When considering having a 3rd child, we clearly said to each other that if we KNEW it would be a boy, we wouldn’t do it. But you can never know that, really, unless you’re doing ART with genetic testing. We decided to go for it and, obviously, wound up with another boy.

    It’s been hard having three children (no matter their gender), and I’m sad when I hear moms and daughters debating which prom dress to buy at the mall, but in all honesty, I’ve let go of my disappointment. Being in the thick of my life (I’m also in my forties and am a working mom), I just don’t have the energy to have regret or indulge disappointment. My boys are so loving and sweet and kind and I’ve found my way with boydom. I occasionally experience of flicker of “if only” when I’m doing particularly/stereotypically female things or when I wonder who I’ll give my mother’s jewelry to, but it dissipates quickly.

    I have a friend who adopted a boy after having a biological boy 5 years prior. She was 43-44 at the time of the adoption and she’d been hoping for a girl (as had her son and her husband). I think one reason was that she worried that having the same gender but different biology might be difficult on her children. Different genders would immediately mean they were different for a reason other than biology. But the baby that came to her and her family was a boy. And that child is so full of will and dynamism and humor that THAT is what makes him different from her quiet, endearing, gentle other son. I doubt it ever occurs to her now why or that she wanted a girl. And it’s certainly never come up in our conversations since. Her boys are the light of her life.

  • Sue

    My heart goes out to you, you are right about the wait being excruciating. I think keeping busy with plan j or whatever the next plan number will be is healthy for us doers. Hang in there.

  • Mel

    As a fellow person who charges full steam ahead, this resonated with me: “I am a doer. I execute. Waiting is my death knell. It feels like quiet desperation, which, if you have ever felt that, you know how wearing it is. I am still wrangling with what else to do. And I simply do not know.”

    Though glad you were able to grab a few moments of peace on the cruise.

  • That’s great you had such a wonderful trip; I may hit you up for details on FB as we plan for next vacations. I’ve never been on a cruise before.

    Truth be told, I had all kinds of back up plans when we were waiting, and we were on a fairly predictable timeline since we did international adoption with Korea. Waiting is agonizing. As much as I’d like to be a cheerleader for “the process,” I say you should at least research other options if that’s what you’re feeling pulled to do. For me, it helped me not feel that I was at the absolute end of the road, that I had options, and that enabled me to survive the wait. I’m so unfamiliar with how domestic adoption works, but it kind of seems like it’s waiting for lightning to strike. If it strikes while you’re pursuing other options, than all the better, right?

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