Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Alignment

I was watching Chaz Bono on Oprah yesterday and I was struck in much the same way that I am when someone comes out or shares some other revelation that allows them to be their most authentic self and live a congruent life. It was specifically when Oprah asked about whether he planned to undergo the genital reassignment surgery and his answer was along the lines that he didn’t feel he needed to because by removing his breasts and taking testosterone he felt in alignment with who he was supposed to be; that how he moved about in the world matched who he was.

In listening to him (and bravo, Chaz!) discuss finally being able to be his authentic self and live the life he felt his soul was destined to live, I had a moment of clarity. This may sound a bit like a leap, although it doesn’t feel like one. In a way I feel similarly, not so much in who I am, but in what I want for my life. The drive and desire to mother another that is now propelling us through the domestic adoption labyrinth comes from feeling somewhat incomplete. That is not at all to say that I am not over the moon happy and grateful for my husband and son and the life that I have. But, just as when I was a single career woman well into my thirties, I felt a degree of incompleteness, a void, and a longing to be in a committed marriage, while it was hard for me to find a mate, I felt destined to do so.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother and to two children. It is how I always envisioned my family life. When I was miscarrying my naturally conceived pregnancies and throughout my surgeries and ART processes, I secretly hoped that if I was ever blessed with the miracle (and I do not use that word in an other-worldly way as much as a one in a million way) of a live birth, that that in and of itself would bring to a close the longing I felt in my being. While at the time I thought I wanted two children, after the rigors of the struggle to conceive and give birth to one, I hoped that in having my son, I would feel that he alone was the culmination of my struggle and that I would find some long sought after peace and filling of the void.

Only, that is not what happened at all. In fact, the wanting to have another was magnified and intensified, so much so, that I threw myself back into the IVF fire a mere 5 months after he was born. True, I was 41 and the tick-tocking of my biological clock as my eggs began to expire was deafening and was its own call to action. But, that only underscored the ever present feeling of ‘I MUST do this’.

I thought I would have given up on the pursuit of having another child years ago. I had drawn my own lines in the sand and I thought as I approached each one, I would feel relief, peace, and contentment at having done my best of truly giving it my all but being ready move on from family building to family being. Only I never ever was.

So, it was in watching Chaz that I identified with the quest for alignment in my own life and for me, that is having another child. Much like I envisioned how I would feel I would ‘know’ when I found the man I was going to marry, I also envision what this alignment, the peace, contentment, and completeness that finally having another child, will feel like. It is like an illusive high — I can imagine how it might feel, I can conjure some approximate sensation of it, but until I actually reach it, until it is my reality, it is fleeting. It is why I cannot stop short or let go or come to terms. I am simply not destined to. And to try to would be to disallow myself from living my authentic life. Given that I have but this one life, that is something that I can not abide.

3 comments to Alignment

  • I remember reading (an adoption blog maybe?) a woman’s summation of her quest to complete her family — she said “so long as you feel that there is an empty chair at your dinner table, you must keep trying.” That really resonated with me.

  • As hard as it is to know exactly what you want and not know for certain if or when that will happen, I think it’s great that you know. Decisions are tough for me, filled with doubt and second guessing. It seems like there are many paths to where you want to go; you seem so smart and resourceful about executing a plan (or several), and now is a matter of continuing to plod along.

  • Melissa

    This post really resonates with me. I feel similarly that I MUST adopt through the foster care system. As much as I love my child, even as I held her for the first time, moments after her birth, I thought, I want more fo this. i wanted more children. I worry when I feel overwhelmed with just one child that I won’t be able to handle more children, especially special needs children from the foster care system, but deep down, I think I will be able to handle it because I will be fulfilled. As you put it, I will be living my authentic life. When we baby-sit a friend’s child or a niece or nephew, in spite of it being more work, I feel almost more at ease with more chidlren. Somehow it just suits me and I am happier with the extra work that makes me feel fulfilled, than with less work that leaves me feeling like there is still something missing. I hope that your daughter comes to you soon an dyou feel the fulfillment or authenticity of yourself that you are searching for.

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