Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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At Peace

I was in a funk for a lot of 2010 and into 2011.  It was a combination of things, most notably leaving the company I’d worked for for 13 years, closing the door on my fertility and ever being pregnant again, and finally committing to pursuing domestic adoption. I hadn’t yet decided to see a therapist but could not stand being in the hole I was in. Then, back in February, I decided that I’d had enough and something had to change. I figured that the best I could do at that point was consciously change my attitude and hope that it stuck.  I turned over a new leaf and wrote of it back then, “Since I have never been good at “fake it til you make it” as my attitude betrays no emotion, I am going to make it instead. Here’s to peace of mind and heart, acceptance of the way some things are, and an attempt to turn the tides that have been weighing me down.”

I am happy (and somewhat surprisingly so) to report that I in making a choice to have a better attitude, I have consistently had a better attitude. Even though I still sometimes wrestle with my fear of the unknown as it relates to when we’ll be matched, I have been continually in a better mood, one bolstered by an awareness of the gratitude I feel for what I do have. I’m proud of myself for pulling myself up and out of where I’d been stuck. It proved to me that sometimes a concerted effort is what it takes and that, most times, one’s mood is a choice. And, I did begin therapy which has only helped (in myriad ways deserving of its own post).

With my recent decision to let go of that which I cannot control, namely the quiet wait of adoption, I find myself even more at peace. I have employed some of the same behavior modification techniques I did back in February, and I no longer allow myself to wallow in the worry and vacillation.  I gave myself yet another much needed and well timed swift kick in the butt.

We close on our new house today and even though we won’t move in until Labor Day weekend, we will have the summer to enjoy our current home where I have lived and created so many great memories over the last 16 years, and we’ll be able to get many projects in the new home completed before moving in (while earning some money in rent from the seller over and above what our mortgage will be). It is so exciting to have this new lovely home in our sights with all its hope for a new lifestyle and new memories.

My son, my precious little four year old bundle of joy and sunshine (and sometimes frustration, too) will be starting swim lessons and summer camp next week. I look at him, all 45 inches of him, and marvel at the little boy he’s become. He is lanky and muscular, long and lean, sweet and salty. While I bristle when folks say they are ‘in love’ with their children because that is a feeling I generally reserve for a significant other, I can say that the love I feel for him is deeper and more profound than I ever thought possible. It is true that he makes me want to be a better person, a better mother, and see the good and the novel in the world. He also makes me want to make that world, if only our small piece of it, a better place. All those cliches are true and truer with every passing day.

I am interviewing for a job! I forced my company to package me out left my company over a year ago with really no intention of returning to work until our next child was at least a year old.  Given the indeterminate time frame that a match might occur, I’m open to returning to work.  I was recently approached about a position in a new industry and after a 90 minute phone interview this week, will have an in person interview with the person this role reports to next week. I don’t have a single suit that fits (thank you Weight Watchers!) so will either need to have one of my existing suits tailored or buy something new. I’m voting for the former since I do have a number of summer suits and, truth be told, if I’m going to be buying any new clothes now I most certainly do not want to be buying a suit for a job I don’t even have, yet.

And, if this all isn’t enough, we’ve submitted an application to adopt an Italian Greyhound. Our beloved IG passed away in 2009 and we adopted an IG mix from our local Humane Society. However, we’ve always wanted another IG and there just so happens to be one that we are interested in available through the IG rescue in our state. I had a phone interview yesterday, they are coming to do a home visit this weekend, and then we take it from there.

There are just so many good and great things going on that it is senseless to be anywhere but in the moment, enjoying each other, the summer and all the treats we’ll enjoy, and being grateful for our good fortune.

“I need neither future nor past, but to learn to take today not too fast.
~Jeb Dickerson

6 comments to At Peace

  • I love your attitude. I hope things go well for you with the interview and the move!

  • mag

    Hi there from ICLW #80

    I am so glad things are feeling this great for you. I love your attitude and positive thinking. I had a similar experience with changing my focus a few years ago; I remember sitting up in bed one morning and telling myself “knock it off already”. I was tired of things being so sad and blah all the time. From that point forward, I did try to smile more and think about the good in things. It changed my life for sure.

  • stopping from ICLW
    having a solid plan helps, doesn’t it?
    I found the same earlier this year: once I made up my mind on a number of things, life just became… easier. E.g., a job found me – as opposed to me looking for it!
    Good luck!

  • Tireegal

    What a great post! So many external and internal things falling into place! I’m happy for you:)

  • I can definitely relate to that prolongated funk. I, too, have been trying to maintain a positive attitude. It’s not easy, and I’m not always good at it. But sometimes I feel like it’s all we can do to stay afloat – try. I love this post because it reminds me to focus on all the wonderful things and not just the not-so-wonderful things. :)

  • This post makes my heart happy. So glad you’ve found a good measure of peace, even in the midst of uncertainty.

    xoxo

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