Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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The luxury of not having to think about it

Generally speaking, most couples who decide to have children either conceive without really trying (as in, unprotected sex, often enough) or “try” by tracking ovulation is some way. They get pregnant as planned and if they want another child, start “trying” again in much the same way as they did the first time. If they’ve not endured a miscarriage, they really don’t consider that they might not get pregnant and have a live birth and proceed blissfully.

However, when one is infertile (and by that I mean cannot conceive on one’s own after a year or more of active trying) or if one has suffered a miscarriage (or multiple losses) there is no opportunity for such naivete. The fertile community has no idea (nor do I think they should, necessarily) what an infertile couple (I’m going to refer to couples here as I am 50% of one, but SMBC go through this and more) who elects ART must plan for. Usually, the litany of appointments starts with ones own OB/GYN who will likely order up the couples first fertility screening tests. When the couple finally moves on to an RE there is a consultation wherein even if the OB/GYN recently ran the standard tests, the RE will want to re-run them (because, you know, what does a rank and file OB/GYN know about infertility anyway?). Depending on the infertility diagnosis (for those lucky enough to receive one), the couple is then given options. The more aggressive the option, the more expensive. Some lead time is generally required before cycling and if surgery of any sort is required that will further delay things. If one isn’t successful, then there is usually wait time between cycles. The waiting during ART treatment is endless even though finances are not.

When one has repeated failures and as finances become tighter, many, many, many decisions must be made about if/how to proceed and when. This means there is a LOT of downtime to consider, reconsider, mull over, ruminate, fantasize, and generally put one’s life on hold betwixt and between.

And so, on the eve of the one year anniversary of stopping ART, I have spent an average of 40% of my waking hours since thinking about what, if anything, to do next (365 days X 16 waking hours X 40% = 2,336 hours! That’s a full-time job + overtime!) . Had I used the momentum of cycling to propel me forward toward domestic adoption, we’d likely have another child by now. But, for whatever reason (exhaustion, indecision, secret hope that we’d conceive naturally, lack of active support on my husband’s part, fear) inertia set in and created a vacuum that is still unfilled. The more time that passes, the further away the dream of having another child seems, so the more time I think about it. What a vicious circle.

If I weren’t 44 and we weren’t infertile, I wouldn’t have to think about all this, all the time. My time in the shower would be just a shower; a walk would be just a walk. Driving from here to there would just be transportation. Shopping would be about buying things. Leisure time would be for leisure. Play time with my son would be for playing. None of the aforementioned time would be spent THINKING about what to do (because, clearly, closing the door doesn’t seem to be an option). And, alternatively, what if we just made a friggin decision to do another donor egg cycle at a better clinic or use donated embryos or adopt and we finally had the other child that I know is meant to complete our family? Imagine what I could do with the space in my mind and in my heart that would be created by NOT having to think about this?! What a luxury indeed.

2 comments to The luxury of not having to think about it

  • We surfed lots of blogs to comments about to this subject…. Thanks alot

  • I know what you mean – though from the other end. Because this is going to be the one & only child for me, my THINKING is pretty much done. And I’ve been astonished – since the DBT let up, anyway – by how much more free TIME it feels like I have. Even though my actual life-commitments haven’t changed at all, the fact that my life is no longer lived on two levels – the outside, shiny happy side, and the OMG, what if this never works side – it feels like I have so much more time to do & think other things.

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