Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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“There Is No Try, Only Do”

Yeah, thanks, Yoda, for that pearl of wisdom, only it doesn’t seem to hold true for human relationships. I wish I always felt as strong and tenacious as I did when I wrote this post. It seems that the further away I get from my last interaction with my mother, the better I do, but as soon as we interact, as we did this weekend, the cycle starts all over again. It still surprises me how conditioned my responses are. I do try to not respond as I always have, which is to say to attempt to reason or apply logic to her conversations with me. It is crazy making the degree to which nothing is what it appears to be. She’ll lure me into a conversation under a benign guise and then do the old bait and switch reverting back to old pains I’ve caused her, old hurts, old, old, old. I need to get better and turning the conversation back to the intended topic and not let her come at me from different angles.

So, yes, we had an exchange this weekend, one that I was dreading even having. As is the case, things started off in a measured way but then quickly veered off track as she pointed the finger of blame toward me, held me accountable for her short comings or even events that I wasn’t part of (but that she constructed in her head that I was), re-wrote or conveniently forgot history. She is so convincing sometimes that it takes me hours post conversation to get my head straight and not go believing her version of events.

I am always left depleted and angry with myself for being sucked in once again. I am a smart, perceptive, and resilient person. I’ve taken on way stronger and intellectually more capable foes than her, but there is something about the nature of our relationship that has me doubting myself, my versions of events, and my decision making. Usually, within a couple of days post-conversation I’ve come back around to my way of thinking, but the toll it takes in between has me in an utter funk.  I end up having to process the conversation with my husband and at least a couple of close friends.  Love me as they do, it must be such a broken record by now.

And, there is an underlying feeling of shame, that I’m 45 years old and my mother still has a childlike/immature relationship with me. She discounts and dismisses almost everything I’ve accomplished in my life so far. She takes no responsibility for her role in creating the disconnect between us.  I wonder why she even bothers with me at all? I do not understand the pay-off that someone gets, unless it is only to feed her narcissistic, self-centered view of the world. You would think, as a parent to adult children, that you would want to focus your efforts on all that is good in their lives, the joy of grandchildren, the ease of visits just shooting the breeze, engaging in topical conversation about what’s new. But that has never, ever been the case. There is no getting to homeostasis. I tend to eschew status quo but would WELCOME it in my relationship with my mother.

I am doing the very hard work of trying to extricate myself from what I know is a no-good relationship for me. However, it is a hard thing to do. It’s not popular to not have a good relationship with one’s mother. And especially so when one is adopted in the sense that I was already abandoned once and this feels like a second loss (and, I’ve dealt with my feelings of abandonment in being adoption so I am stating this as a matter of fact not something I carry around with me). This is the only family I have but it cannot be solely up to me to make relationships work. The more I pull back the more she lashes out. It is such a mine field to navigate.

Can one live in the same city as one’s parents, sister, and extended family and NOT have a relationship with them? That seems like such a foreign concept but it very much feels like that is what it is coming to. I don’t feel the need for some big declaration or falling out (although my mom’s parting words to me were, “You’re on your own” before hanging up on me. She meant it as a threat but I took it as a hopeful promise). I am trying to act as if, but to the degree to which our encounters are few and far between (and maybe not at all now), I don’t get nearly enough practice, am often caught off guard, and, try as I might, can’t prevent the eventual spiraling out of control of our conversations. There are few in my family that I can just “be” around. And even when I am around them, the conversation generally reverts back to my mother. She has such a negative hold on everyone.

I have this great life for which I am abundantly grateful. I love and am in love with my husband. I cherish my son and my role as his mother. We have 2 dogs that make being home never lonely. I am surrounded by friends, both IRL and URL, who do get and support and love me unconditionally. I have my health and am in better shape now than throughout my thirties and early forties. My son is in a good school. I get to be home with him every afternoon embarking on some adventure or another. I can chose to go or not go back to work. We are on the domestic adoption path, with our profile active and home study approved. At this point in my life I feel like I’ve earned the right to embrace the joy, putting the hardship and tragedies I’ve endured lovingly behind me. At my core, I do not understand why this isn’t enough. I truly do live and let live and wonder why can’t my mother do that with me? And, if she can’t, why does it matter so fucking much? A-HA! Isn’t that the crux of it? It’s not really about how she treats me or isn’t attuned to me, it is about the fact that how she does relate to me still matters at all. And that is what I need to process, work through, and get over.  When that happens, perhaps there really will be “only do”.

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”
~Japanese Proverb

3 comments to “There Is No Try, Only Do”

  • Hello and thanks for stopping by my blog. As Esperanza says, the mother/daughter relationship seems to be one of the most complicated there is. Sometimes it makes me grateful to have a son. I have also been working through some of the very unsettled feelings I have concerning my own mother and it sends me into a tailspin every time. I hope you can find peace in this relationship, even if it will never be the situation that you might wish that it could be.

  • Lut C.

    I have no advice for you either.

    It isn’t easy to make how others relate to you not matter. This kind of detachment eludes me.
    I wonder if it is something you can learn.

    You’re right to protect yourself and your family.

  • I wish I had some advice to give you. Or at least some insight. I didn’t get along great with my mom when I was in high school but since college we’ve been really close so I don’t know much about megalomaniac moms. I think, though, that the mother/daughter bond has got to be one of the most complicated, maybe even more so when it’s created through adoption (though I have no idea if that is true, just conjecture really) so it makes sense that there aren’t any clear answers. Especially when your mom obviously has many, many issues that have nothing to do with you but that spill over into your experience with her.

    I hope you find some peace in this difficult situation. Sorry I didn’t have something more constructive to say.

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