Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"



Expanding Our Horizons

After another dismal month in terms of birth mother presentations, it is time to regroup. We are entering our 10th active month with our agency and our gender specification has drastically reduced the number of birth mothers our profile has been shown to each month. We had valid reasons for wanting a girl. That said, we want to complete our family more than we necessarily want a child of a specific gender. Somewhere around month 5, I was ready to make a change to our filters. My husband, on the other hand, needed some time to come around (he, too is adopted, and he has a brother. His mother treated him decidedly different than her biological son which caused relationship issues growing up between him and his brother. That has colored his opinion of us adopting a boy.). It is hard to make decisions in a vacuum and we both agree that in order to even know how we feel, we need to be faced with an actual situation.  So, we are expanding our horizons and have changed from a gender specification to a gender preference (and I expect even that to lift fully once we see how this change affects the number of monthly presentations).  What that means is that we will be shown to birth mothers who know they are having a girl and to birth mothers that do not know the gender but not to birth mothers who know they are having a boy.

I belong to a few on-line adoption forums. Over the months, I’ve read as many couples have been matched, had placements fall through, and had placements stick. What has been critical with each is the birth mother/birth parent situation. As I’ve watched placements unfold, both in terms of the delivery of the baby and how the adoptive couple was treated by the birth family, and post placement, in terms of how the agreed upon level of openness was (or wasn’t) upheld by the birth family, one thing is resoundingly clear: the situation presented to the adoptive couple and how it played out was paramount to the kind of adoption experience the adoptive couple reported having.

If the adoptive couple was presented with a situation that felt right to them (regardless of what that meant in terms of degree of openness) and to the degree to which the terms of that situation played out during delivery and throughout the placement process, then, even if there were some hiccups along the way, as there are wan to be, the entire adoption experience was represented favorably. However, if the terms of the situation did not play out as agreed upon and even if the placement occurred and adoptive couple became parents of that child, the experience of the process itself was often angst ridden, guilt ridden, and vexing to the adoptive couple. So much energy was expended in the direction of the birth family and trying to decide what to do, if anything, to continue contact, re-establish contact, lessen contact, what to say, how to say it, what not to say, etc. It impressed upon me how important the particular situation was.

While this may seem logical: birth family does what is agreed upon = less stress; birth family does not do what is agreed upon = more stress, I didn’t consider it as much at the outset of our adoption process as I do now. And, this 4 year endeavor to have another child has been, just that, a process. My two own egg cycle limit quickly became 5, my line drawn at using donor eggs became a donor egg cycle, and our fervent desire to have a daughter has given way to the stronger desire to complete our family (the rigors of this process even call that into question sometimes).

I hope our journey ends with the placement of the second child we are meant to have. However, I am a realist and I have never been less sure about something happening as I am this. Regardless, we are a family of three and if that is our final destination then it is already a happy one.

“Happiness is the result of my decision to be happy. There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.”
~Richard Carlson

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