Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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A Picnic

Our adoption agency held a family picnic for both those who’ve had successful placements and those waiting.  It was quite a turnout with some 200 people in attendance.  The majority of those in attendance were those who’d had placements with only a handful of prospective adoptive parents in attendance.  Because my relationship with our agency goes back several years (just post the birth of my son) and because I am a mom, I decided to go.  They had bouncy houses for the kids and a burger truck and an ice cream truck.  I knew it would give me some face time with our case worker and our attorney which is always a good thing when one wants to stay front of mind.

The picnic was a huge success and I am glad that we went.  I was able to spend some time with a friend and her daughter as well as meet an adoption blogger whose blog I follow.  My son had a great time in the bouncy houses and enjoyed a soft serve ice cream (something he has only recently begun eating as he generally does not like cold things).  I got to spend brief snippets of time chatting with our case worker and attorney.   It was almost overwhelming to see all the families this agency helped create.  It is exactly the kind of event that more prospective parents, who may be on the fence about domestic newborn adoption, should go to.

I suppose I was half-expecting that seeing these families created through adoption would re-energize me during our quiet wait.  It did not.  Sure, it was great to bear witness in person to the great gift that adoption is, but I did not come away feeling any more resolute.  I have always known that the struggle to start or build one’s family was a unique process, unfolding in myriad ways and bringing prospective parents to different outcomes.  And, I knew it was true for me.   My success with IVF #2 led me to continue with ART with my own eggs in pursuit of a sibling.  My diminishing returns with each successive cycle led me to a donor egg cycle.  The dismal results of that cycle led us to take a year off wherein my desire to have another child only grew stronger.  That desire led us down the path of adoption.  And, now, it seems like this protracted, 4 year pursuit has left me battle-scarred and worn out.   I simply don’t know if I have it in me, if our lives have unfolded in a way throughout this herculean effort, to continue down this path.  I find myself looking at which is the lesser of two evils: the unsettled feeling I have as we enter our 11th month waiting or the lack of completeness I feel.  And it seems like I am coming to terms with the lack of completeness but I just cannot reconcile the unsettled feeling that is this adoption process.

I spoke with my therapist about feeling like I just can’t do “this” any longer but that I can”t accept giving up either.  She astutely pointed out that it is not that I no longer want another child, it is that I thrive on order and the attainment of goals and that I have no tools for how to cope with pursuing a goal where I have no control over the outcome or determining that the pursuit of the goal no longer serves my higher good.  It’s not merely impatience, as I have often thought, although after 4 years that is likely a component, but I can’t cope with the insidious stressor that is this adoption process.

So, I am trying to do two things which are seemingly at odds with each other.  First, I am trying to let go of ruminating about how the outcome might manifest itself.  No good comes from wondering if/when/what type of situation might ultimately present itself to us.  That alone is crazy making.  And second, I am trying to envision what getting off the family building train might actually feel/look like.  Would there be relief or regret in being fully present and living and loving only what I have?

I look at my son.  He is enough.  We are enough.  Maybe enough is enough.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”
~Joseph Campbell

3 comments to A Picnic

  • Somebody smart once told me that in life, you have the plan, and you have what happens. That’s how it’s always been for me. I like planning things out, am very type A, but I’ve learned to roll with the punches in recent years and everyone is WAY happier. It took a lot of major life changes happening rapid fire to reach this point.
    I find myself in a related, though very different predicament. I always planned on two kids. I desperately wanted a daughter. Like, really desperately. I got a son. And I cannot have more bio babies. The girl twinge never totally went away, but to me, my only child is enough.
    So how ridiculous that I feel guilty about NOT wanting to start the adoption dance.

  • Sue

    Wow, what your therapist said is so interesting. No tools to cope with pursuing a goal where you have no control over the outcome. That does sound like a pretty accurate description of adoption in many ways.

    I do hope that you have peace with whatever you decide – and hope even more that you are soon presented with an opportunity through adoption. I’d love to have you join the sisterhood of adoptive moms so you can continue to share your valuable wisdom and experience in that role.

  • serenity

    I found that getting off the family building wagon was a relief at first. The backlash of emotion, though, has been by far harder to deal with. Because my family will never be the complete I believed it would be most of my life. We are a family of three, not of four.

    That said, over time it’s gotten easier. There are lots of positives about being a family of three, and the more we live in the present, not our hoped-for-future, the more we get to embrace the here and now.

    Though I’m angry at infertility, and nearly certain I’ll always have SOME form of anger at it, it’s really gotten better.

    I really hope that you don’t have to work through this, though. I’m still holding out for a placement for you. Soon.

    xoxo

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