Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Yesterday was our 8th wedding anniversary. I have been feeling particularly stressed lately given our move and all the projects we’ve undertaken, the amount of money we’ve spent already, the sickness that would not go away (six weeks this week, but I am FINALLY on the other side, not tempting fate, merely stating fact), and the estrangement from my parents. I was not in a particularly romantic mood when we set out for dinner but I was relieved to be getting out, just my husband and I.

We usually spend these rare moments alone checking in with each other and catching up on the loose ends that either need discussion or decision. Once we sat down, I made mention of just how stressed I’ve been feeling and asked my husband what he thought. He said he was trying to lessen my load & leave me alone (and by that, he means not make matters worse), which he does. Then, over our sashimi appetizer, I said that I’d been thinking a lot about just throwing in the towel on adopting*. My husband then said, with tears in his eyes, that he’d been thinking, too, and that he was thinking there was no baby left in our little boy and that while he didn’t ever think he would miss the infancy/toddler stage, that he does and he can’t imagine not having the chance to do it again.

Those who have been along for the ride here from some time, may know that I started this blog almost 2 years ago when I was in a very dark place, completely unsure if or how to move forward with our family building efforts. We’d taken a full year off from trying or even talking about having another child. We barely had a passing discussion about what to do. But during that silence, my husband was percolating. And just like that we were on our way toward adoption.

My husband says profound and profoundly timed things just when I need him to. Because I am a Type A personality and the driver for our family, it is easy for me to forget that we really do make all important decisions together. But, I often get stuck in my head, don’t consult him, and get pretty far down a path sometimes before even cluing him in.

And then he goes and says something so sweet and tender that we are both in tears and the next thing I know, he’s reeled me back in, along for our ride toward adoption. Few things feel as good as knowing we are on the same page and feeling that it is right.

Tomorrow I have conference call #6 with our agency to formulate a “plan” as we come upon the year anniversary of our wait. I don’t exactly know what, if anything, will be different other than “stay the course”, especially now that we have removed all gender filters. I will say that I feel like we have the support and enthusiasm of the entire agency. I got a very heartfelt email from our case worker who I know is pulling for us.  Even though we’re going to continue on, it is hard for me to muster that much of my own enthusiasm so it is nice to have others rooting for us.

*When my husband responded the way that he did and I saw how much he, too, wants another child, I felt embolden and our conversation migrated to familiar, “easier” paths to having another which, once again, included donated embryos. Believe me when I say that I do not want to be pregnant again. However, I feel like we need to increase our odds of this happening for us and that is our only other viable option. I did nothing but put it out there and that is where it stands.

“We all have our time machines.
Some take us back, they’re called memories.
Some take us forward, they’re called dreams.”

~Jeremy Irons

4 comments to Same Page

  • Sue

    How touching and wonderful. I got choked up reading this. Your connection is really terrific.

  • Jennifer

    I understand your frustrations and how the wait can get grueling on you and your DH esp after a year……we signed up 3/10 our profiles went active 5/10 and our daughter was born 5/11…..filters are one of the hardest things to change bc you and your DH want certain things and that is why the wait is so hard and long sometimes but in the end it is well worth it when you are holding your sweet baby……praying for your BM to find you soon :-)

  • Claire

    You and your husband are a true partnership – even when you are forging ahead without him he is there doing his thing. What a poignant post.
    I so wish for you to be parents to a newborn, and I really hope that your adoption agency and a birth mom comes through for you. Although I am aware that it sounds strange to be wishing an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy on a birth mom somewhere out there.
    It’s got to happen soon. I’m counting on it.
    Sorry you have had so much stress recently. Your neighbors sound appalling. You are a strong,
    amazing woman and you deserve good things, and when I say things I don’t mean things:)

  • So very glad your husband was able to be there for you–to remind you that you don’t have to do it all by yourself. Thinking of you, impressed–so very impressed–by your good grace during what must be a horrifically difficult wait, and hoping so much for good things for you, soon. Thinking of you.

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