Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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It’s Not Just About The Numbers

First, there has been nothing from my birth mother.  She has had enough time to flat out deny it but maybe not enough time to come to terms with how to make contact or what to say.  This is the risk in making contact via letter — it puts the ball in her court (for now).  While I am in a peaceful state about the outcome, that doesn’t mean that I will let her off the hook for contacting me.   I’ve waited 45 years and will wait another couple of weeks prior to reaching out to her again if I don’t hear from her.

Moving on to my feelings about the state of our adoption process.  Even though we lifted all gender filters and are now being shown to more birth mothers  (19 in the last three months vs. 9 in the prior 8 months combined), we have still not been among any one birth mother’s top choices.  It is something that’s been on my mind as we wait, the fact that even though we have more opportunities, none of them has gotten us any closer to a potential situation.  I realize that I can’t apply the same statistical analysis to derive meaning from this as I could with, say, the live birth rate from a particular fertility clinic, but as we approach the one year anniversary of our wait, it surprises me that we haven’t even gotten close even once.  That is a hard pill to swallow when we’ve been trying to complete our family for over four years.

It’s not just about the improvement in the numbers.  It is, to some degree, encouraging that more birth mothers are seeing our profile monthly which increases the odds that any one of them might put us in their top three prospective adoptive parents.   But, I really never thought we’d be waiting a year without so much as a close call.  I am being honest when I say that I thought for sure that, by now, we’d have been called on at least one situation, if not a match and/or placement.

I feel like this has always been a safe place for me to work through what I am thinking and feeling so that I can make sense out of my conflicting thoughts/emotions and better approach what is before me.  And, that truly has been the case.  I am worlds away from the dark place I was in when I started this blog almost two years ago.  However, I do not feel that we are any closer to having the second child we’ve so painstakingly been in pursuit of for more than four years.  More than four years!

The thing that I am more sure about today than I was at the start of this blog is just how much I want to mother another.  The absence of this child we are meant to have is a palpable void in my life and in our family.  Thankfully, the desire no longer manifests itself painfully, meaning that news of someone’s pregnancy, delivery, match, placement, or adoption finalization, even if completely out of the blue, doesn’t hurt me.  To the contrary, I am overjoyed with the great and joyous news that a child will or has joined the family of someone I know, care about, or have interest in.  I have hosted three baby showers, have attended five others (with two more in the coming week (baby #3 for each mom(I knew them when we each only had one)) and can categorically say that nothing, not even holding my friends 12 hour old newborn son, so much as even stings. Instead, it motivates me further and gives me hope.

While we remain as committed and entrenched in our adoption process as we ever have been, it is time to reconsider augmenting those efforts.  We are in the beginning stages of discussing and re-visiting our options and are in agreement that we need to maximize the probability of having another child.  I wish we weren’t in this position, again, of having to consider endeavoring down a concurrent path to completing our family, but the truth is that time is of the essence.  Even though I look young for my age as does my husband, we are nearing the upper end of the age range where we would be selected by a birth mother.  As I said to my husband recently, I cannot imagine nor can I let another year go by without increasing the odds of us having another child.  If I were in my early forties, like I was at the outset of my infertility treatment, it wouldn’t be so pressing, but I am not.

There is no way for me to sugar coat that even to myself.  I look and feel young which both betray my chronological age, but I want to enjoy the newborn, infant, and toddler stages with our next child as much as I did with our son and the turning of the calendar month after month is bearing down on whether and how that will actually happen.  I do not want to be another year older and still chasing after this dream, hoping it will become a reality.

So, even though my husband and I are in the beginning stages of discussing our options, I’ve taken the ball down the due diligence court already.  I’ve had email exchanges, conversations, appointments and have appointments upcoming as I gather the intel we will need to make a decision together.  I am beyond thankful that my husband wants another child as much as I do because this would be a much tougher process if he was only half in.

As with many other things: my continued weight loss, the situation with my birth mother, the upcoming search for my husband’s birth mother, our adoption process, and now this (which I think of as Operation XX/XY² (and that’s not squared for twins)), stay tuned.

“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist,
or accept the responsibility for changing them.”
~Denis Waitley

4 comments to It’s Not Just About The Numbers

  • Lut C.

    I hope your birth mother does bring herself to responding.

    The long wait – without knowing how it will end – is so tough.

    Hope to hear more news about your other options soon, good news that is.

  • So sorry your birth mother hasn’t responded yet. I’m sure it’s beyond hard to have to wonder/imagine what’s going on there and if/when something will change. All this suspense — out of your hands — on several fronts … so draining. You are a tough cookie for hanging in there. And you are so articulate and clear about what you are going through … any prosepective birth mom would be lucky to have you … I think that every time I read your posts. PT’s that good things will develop soon.

  • Abiding with you during this time and hoping, wishing and praying for the best for you and your family. xoxo

    I totally get how much you want to parent another child. I was “there” during our five year journey through secondary infertility and loss and had started to believe it might never happen when Abby came along. I know that sounds like such a storybook ending, but as you know our path to get to her was far from easy.

    I also really appreciate the quote you ended this one with. You sure find some great ones that speak to this time in your life. I find a lot of comfort and inspiration in quotes too. Thank you for sharing. :)

  • Claire

    There is lots going on here! I am disappointed for you that you haven’t got further with the adoption or got “picked” yet. I’m heartened that you are so clear about wanting to mother another infant.
    I wonder about your birth mom. I think she is thinking it over. But in the meantime, I would be tempted to pick up that phone. It’s hard when the ball is in her court:(
    And yes you look young and vibrant. And ready for your baby.
    I think it’s great that you can celebrate your friends’ babies with such generosity of heart. I hope that generosity come back to you:)

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