Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Coming To Terms

I apologize if this post seems veiled and I don’t mean for it to, but I’m feeling protective and vulnerable and am waiting for information that I hope will give me clarity.

So much of my struggle with infertility has been about coming to terms.  First it was coming to terms with the fact that merely having timed intercourse (forget spontaneous) with my husband would not result in pregnancy.  Then it was coming to terms with the cost of IVF and that we would actually need it to conceive.  Then it was coming to terms with our first failures and letting doubt creep in that it would ever happen for us.  After the successful cycle with my son, it was coming to terms that we would need IVF to have a sibling and I would subsequently come to terms with multiple losses.  Failure upon failure meant having to come to terms with diminishing returns of each own egg cycle and the reality that we would need to use donor eggs.  That meant coming to terms with the loss of a maternal genetic connection to our next child.  The dismal failure of our donor egg cycle meant coming to terms with the fact that we’d hit our end of the road with ART and that we would be stopping treatment which meant a very long road in coming to terms with never being pregnant again.

But I did come to terms with and have embraced never being pregnant which led to coming to terms with choosing domestic adoption as our path.   We chose that path in September, 2010 and worked as quickly as we could to create our profile, complete our home study, and go active with our agency almost a year ago.  There was so much hope and commitment to our path.  We had many discussions with our agency about how we were their first double adult adoptee couple and that that should resonate with birth mothers.  We were supported in our gender specification and our agency felt that our both being adopted would neutralize that we had one biological child, something some birth mothers rule out when making an adoption plan for their baby.

But as the months ticked by and we were shown to zero, one, or two birth mothers, we had to come to terms with the fact that we’d need to loosen that gender filter in order to increase our monthly presentations thereby hopefully shortening our wait time.  And, most recently, having done that, we’ve had to come to terms with the fact that we’ve not ever made it into the running of top prospective couples for any of the birth mothers we’ve been shown to.  That alone is enough to give me agita.

Here is a fun stat:  all prospective couples who are live with our agency have a successful placement by the end of two years.  However, what that doesn’t account for is those with specific filters.  And, once the filter is lifted,  the two year clock really starts over.  And, that is when it hit me.  I cannot wait another two years.  I just can’t.  I wish I could say that I could.  I wish that I was wired that way because some things would be abundantly easier if I was, but I simply am not.

Somewhere along the way, I began to come to terms with being a family of three.  It is a misnomer to believe that adoption is a guarantee.  I just do not believe that to be true.  Perhaps, if you are prepared to wait as long as it takes, it may be true (and I have known some who have waited four years), but I think that those that cannot wait as long as it takes drop out.

This journey to #2 requires flexibility that I didn’t prepare for so I am coming to terms with revisiting some of the few (and by few, I mean two, probably) options available to us to augment our adoption efforts.  There are positive signs that at least one of these options may be viable but I am waiting on information that will confirm that that is the case.

If there is such a thing as coming to terms with coming to terms, then that is exactly where I am.

“Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

6 comments to Coming To Terms

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