If you’ve ever dieted on a program that restricts or denies food options (no carbs, or no refined sugar, or no fat, etc) then you know the psychology of denial. The more we are told we can’t have something, the more we want it, often to the point of obsession. Tell me I can’t have ice cream and that is all I want, all.the.time! Gimme, gimme, gimme some ice scream, NOW!
Even though we tried so hard for a sibling almost immediately after our son was born, when we stopped trying 2 years later, we really.stopped.trying. There was no effort to bring a sibling to this family (save the monthly attempts at natural conception ;)) for a year. And, it got to the point where my husband was happy as a family of three; unencumbered by the rigors of cycling but exhausted from raising a spirited, strong willed toddler. And his response to my attempts to talk about it were to fall silent or come back with a sarcastic quip or change the subject entirely. So, I stopped trying to talk about it with him but never stopped thinking about it. I read his behavior as “I’m done, no more children.” The more we didn’t talk about, the more I thought about it and all the possible permutations, and the more I ruminated. It wasn’t obsessive thinking but I did think about it a lot.
Therefore, you’d think that with his recent declaration of “Let’s move forward with adoption” that I’d be on it: filling out forms, writing our profile, handing over money, scheduling a home study. And, I have done some things: I had a phone consultation with my RE about embryo donation; I became a member of an embryo donation matching site; I put a call for embryos out to an on-line group that I belong to; I scheduled a follow up call with my RE to review the possible embryos for donation at the clinic. And, somewhere in there, I shot a quick email to the founder of the adoption firm stating we were ready to move forward and what did we need to do to get the ball rolling and I got his response. But still I’m unable to move forward really with anything.
It’s made me question (and I mean question at my core) what it is that I really want for our family. And, what lengths am I willing to go to for it. And, has there been a bit of forbidden fruit syndrome in this…that the more my husband didn’t want to move forward the more hell bent I became? But now that we’re seemingly on the same page for the betterment of our family, I’m the one stalling?
I doubt that this has all been for naught and suspect it has more to do with being 44 and in a great groove with my life, and worrying about whether I have it in my to parent a newborn and am I capable of the sacrifice for the blessed outcome. Like I have said before, if this were just a matter of having sex and getting pregnant it would be a done deal, but because this comes at such a price (emotional, physical, financial) it is a much greater burden to bear.
Excuse me while I get some ice cream.