When we removed our ‘girl’ specification in July, 2011, we were hopeful that being shown to many more birth mothers would be the panacea to a match and eventual placement. And, while we did see a spike in birth mother presentations by August that was sustained in the subsequent months, we have yet to place among a birth mothers top choices (this has been its own kick to my already fragile and embattled family building gut). But, it was what it was and we were in it and hopeful that with the passing of each month, we’d get THE call.
By November, I was beyond restless. There are so many factors that came into play. First, we moved to a bigger house, one with a 3rd bedroom earmarked as a nursery. Once we got unpacked and settled and even though I sold almost all of my son’s baby gear during our moving sale, this house magnified what was missing.
I am approaching my 46th (gulp!) birthday. ‘Nuff said.
Our agency emailed me yesterday to request 40 more profiles. In order to re-print our profile, it needs to be updated first (both a review of copy and new, more recent photos) which is an undertaking. Beyond that, color reprints of a 10 page booklet on card stock will run us several hundred dollars, even if I only do 25. So, it is something that will require some effort.
My son will be in kindergarten next year. He has transitioned, although with some challenge, to his new school, new teacher, new educational environment and this is the last year I intended to be a stay at home mom. Truth be told, I thought we’d be moving out of the infancy stage with our second child by now and that I’d be looking forward to returning to work and contributing financially to our household again. The purchase, move, and upgrades to our new home plus the property taxes, tuition, and financial gift giving requirements of my son’s school have drained our savings considerably and I need to get back to work. I can’t imagine starting a new job with the possibility of match and placement hanging out there. We can’t just wait ad infinitum, nor can we really afford the possible high birth mother expenses that we could at the outset of our adoption journey.
Finally, we have been at this for 4 1/2 years. That is a long and wearing time of having something pursued so ferociously with no success. I sometimes wish that the toll this wait and all our machinating has taken would have firmed my resolve to remain a family of three. It has not. In fact, the will, drive, and desire to fulfill this long held dream is exponentially stronger.
So, as I continued to lose weight and get healthy and more physically fit and as the wait for a match (much less a placement) became seemingly endless, I started to think that, perhaps, my body could be that vessel again, the one that brings the child we are meant to have to us. I decided, somewhat on a whim, to reach out to my former RE, just to see. And, since I hadn’t stepped foot in the clinic since July 2009, I thought it would be nice for the staff to see my son again. I made an appointment.
I had a near panic attack as we approached the clinic. Even though we did have success there and I knew, no matter what, that our visit would be a joyous one, there was a degree of post traumatic stress that had been long buried that rose quickly to the surface. Given that our domestic adoption process had been taking place somewhat outside our day to day life, I hadn’t let myself dwell too much on our past failures or even consider what might come to fruition during my appointment. My pulse quickened, my breath became shallow, my stomach seized, my palms began to sweat, and my inclination was to keep on driving, right past the clinic. But I looked in the rear view mirror at my son and knew that I was not going to not see this, what ever this was, through.
I got teary as we got into the elevator, the emotion of so many failures and the dashing of so much hope coming back to me. But, we were greeted so enthusiastically and lovingly by the entire staff that it was hard not to feel their warmth as a promise that everything was going to be OK.
The consultation with my RE revealed many options but at the core was his sincere desire to help us make this happen. As we worked through the various scenarios, we discussed in detail the donated embryos that might be a match for us. We went through four different situations and one stood out as the front runner. The donating couple used donor egg/donor sperm. The egg donor is a physical match for me, albeit not nearly as tall, but with olive skin, hazel eyes, and dark brown hair. The sperm donor is a ringer for my husband. Both donors are blood type 0+ (my husband and I are both A+). And, I found out today that the egg donor is also a Taurus, like me, which just made me smile a two thumbs up kind of smile.
The donating couple transferred two, day 3 embryos and got pregnant and delivered girl/girl twins at 35 weeks. There are six remaining embryos, vitrified, and frozen three to a straw. Their appearance is good, with little to no fragmentation, although they were a bit slow growing (four 6 cell, two 5 cell, two four cell on day 3) which is why they opted for a 3 day transfer. Do I wish that these were blasts? Yes! Do I wish they’d been PGD’d? Yep! Do I wish they’d been frozen two or one to a straw? Hell to the yes! But, they weren’t.
A lot has happened since our initial consultation (including the donating couple originally being responsive and now, not) and we are ready to proceed. Well, ready in that they are ours and my period is due shortly and all we need to do is agree on a protocol, order meds and get started. I would be lying if I said that I was ready. With my extended family turmoil, my son’s upcoming 5th birthday (which will include another visit from my mother-in-law (bless her!), my BIL/SIL and 2 1/2 year old nephew) and a trip to LEGOLAND, the timing is not ideal. But, I will not wait. I will live my life, doing my best to see this cycle through, but I have to get a move on. Would I rather not be possibly pregnant when my in-laws visit? Yes. Would I rather not have to navigate LEGOLAND and pass on going on some of the rides with my son? Definitely. Would I rather stay home and not accompany my husband on a business trip to Las Vegas at the end of February?
You betcha Maybe not! But, we have been in this for 4 1/2 years. FOUR AND A HALF YEARS in the pursuit of #2 which says nothing of the 2 years prior in the pursuit of #1! Six and a half years of my life consumed by THIS family creating and building process. If I am going to do this, and I think that I am, I need to do it now.
“Faith means living with uncertainty – feeling your way through life,
letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark.”