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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Blogger Identity Guilt (My 2nd Blogoversary!)

I started this blog, two years ago today, as a place to sort out how I was feeling after undergoing 5 additional own-egg IVFs, one DE cycle, and one DEFET, in pursuit of the 2nd child we are still trying to have.  It was a dark, emotionally tangled time.  Rarely, has this blog been directly about infertility, as in cycling in the PRESENT tense.  There was some talk, early on, as to what other options were available to us to complete our family, but once we committed to domestic adoption, I never looked back.  Never.  I came to terms with my infertility in a way that didn’t include another pregnancy.  I have been on a completely alternate path; myopic, even.

That is what I meant by about-face in my last post. It just feels like I’ve done a complete 180 and I feel somewhat guilty about that (anyone who knows me, knows I don’t do guilt, which is really saying something about how I am feeling). This space has never been about my own active ART and it just feels odd to me to even be writing about it here. I can imagine that those who have been reading for some time or came here because I am an Open Adoption Blogger, may be conflicted and/or choose not to continue reading. I do not blame you. IF and ART do not always go hand in hand with adoption and vice versa. And, I am well aware that personal pregnancy news on a blog previously dedicated to domestic adoption can be a painful/sensitive topic.

I am doing my very best to keep true to the intention for this space that I set forth two years ago, “My place to vent, rant, share, and chart my course”. Our continued and fervent desire to complete our family with a second child has, for better or worse, led us right back to the beginning. A true and never anticipated full-circle moment. I, however, am not the same person who last cycled 2 1/2 years ago. I am an older, wiser, more settled and much more circumspect woman. I am a mother with 5 years of practical experience. I am a proponent of adoption and an adult adoptee. I am a advocate for women’s infertility treatment rights and choices. And, I am infertile and it is because of this that, at nearly forty-six years old, I am turning to donated embryos in the hopes of completing our family.

Can I muster even an ounce of hope that one way or another, adoption or donated embryos, we will finally get where we have been trying to go for 4 1/2 years? Hell, I went to my first consult with my RE when I was 38. Eight years ago. EIGHT! Nothing, save the loss of my brother, has tested and shaped me like my struggle with infertility, journey to motherhood, and dogged perseverance to have a second child.

I am filled with fear. Not the debilitating, can’t get out of bed or put one foot in front of the other kind of fear, but the wake me up and keep me up at night kind of fear that dances at the edges of my conscious mind. Should I even be tempting fate in this way? Is it even possible for me to get, much less, sustain a pregnancy? Knowing what I know about my incompetent cervix and now that we are with an HMO, can I advocate for my care in a way that will give a pregnancy a fighting chance? Am I capable of being a vertical pregnant woman, having been restricted to bed rest for 21 weeks of my pregnancy with my son? Will some life threatening pregnancy complication befall me for even doing this? I am scared to be pregnant again. But I see no other choice but to try.

What is it about IF that makes me feel predisposed to all manner of tragic outcome? It is not simply that I am a forty-five year old woman endeavoring to be pregnant. It is the lengths that I have gone to in my endeavors. Why do I feel that, just because of that, there is some sinister price to be paid? I am just a woman, who is also a mother, who wants to have another child. The fact that I am infertile and that that has caused me to travel unconventional paths, should not also mean that I am somehow undeserving and thereby tempting fate. Nonetheless, that is how it feels.

I try to see the universe as benevolent. I try to believe that I have come to this path because I was supposed to come here. I feel mostly settled and definitely grateful to even have this opportunity. Another shot to carry our next child. God, just typing that makes me cry. I want so badly to turn the page on this chapter and begin the next as a mother of two, family of four. Means to a happy end, please universe, means to a happy end.

“It’s the action, not the fruit of the action, that’s important. You have to do the right thing.
It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there will be any fruit.
But that doesn’t mean you stop doing the right thing.
You may never know what results come from your action.

But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~Mohandas Ghandi

5 comments to Blogger Identity Guilt (My 2nd Blogoversary!)

  • […] a family of three should this (these?) deFETs not prove successful.  It all gives way to my blogger identity […]

  • I LOVE what you said here:

    “What is it about IF that makes me feel predisposed to all manner of tragic outcome? It is not simply that I am a forty-five year old woman endeavoring to be pregnant. It is the lengths that I have gone to in my endeavors. Why do I feel that, just because of that, there is some sinister price to be paid? ”

    I’ve definitely noticed that in my own quest for #2 — unlike in the first time around — I am plagued by tremendous fears about this (in my case, more/worse miscarriage or early labor and awful birth defects, etc, etc). Though mine is probably rooted in some crazy Catholic-guilt crap or something. Like I believe that deep-down I “should” just accept my “lot” in life and embrace my one child and stop, or face punishment of some kind. Which makes no sense to me logically, of course.

    And I definitely relate to blogger guilt to some extent. I definitely do not know where I ‘fit in’ anymore. But I am grateful I can relate to many of the things you discuss! Wishing you all the best.

  • Sarah

    It’s all so fraught–being a woman, wanting children, blogging. I’m just happy to know you, no matter what way you build your family. On the pregnancy front, have you considered getting a trans abdominal cerclage before you do the transfer? Michele at my life after loss also has an incompetent cervix (such a mean thing to say! A less tense cervix?) and for varios reasons, she got one recently. Do you know her blog? If so you know how open and lovely she is, if not, I’d be happ to introduce you on fb. (((hugs))))

  • Lut C.

    About your blog, I can understand you may feel uneasy. I started blogging early on in our ART journey. Then Linnea was born and I had to adjust. Not easy, and I’m not quite sure I’ve succeeded very well.

    It’s good that you’re attentiveto your readers, but this is still your space to say what you need to.

    As far as feeling fearful about pregnancy, I’m afraid that’s only to be expected.
    How can a person feel confident after so many disappointments?
    I know I can’t.

    I’m crossing my fingers for you – that all those fears prove unfounded.

  • I really really hope that your happy ending comes soon – pregnancy or adoption – whatever the method. I understand what you mean about worrying about tempting fate – although I have not been in your exact shoes so I shouldn’t say I understand but I get some part of it. Big hugs through the scariness, my friend:)

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