It is hard to fathom that I am discussing this in terms of myself. It is so completely otherworldly that I am here.
I can’t believe how quickly this deFET is upon me. It is CD2 and I have started meds. My protocol will include both oral estrace and estrogen patches, baby aspirin, pre-natal vitamins, and folic acid. Once we get to transfer (early in the first week of February), we will add Endometrin, progesterone lozenges, and a Medrol dose pack. It will be my first in 11 cycles (7 own egg, 1 donor egg, 2 FETs (1 own egg, 1 donor egg) that is completely non-injectable.
I have so many competing thoughts and emotions. In discussing this path with my husband, his question was “Then what?” Meaning, if these opportunities (likely two transfers) don’t work, where will we be? It struck me then and has continued to percolate, that the “then what” is I will be done. If I thought I was battle weary 2 1/2 years ago, I am down right fatigued now (and this cycle is just underway!). But, what I mean is, that everything from our failed own egg cycles, to our failed donor egg cycle, to the protracted and lackluster adoption process, to the renewed (if shaky) hope in these donated embryos have all been a process of coming to terms. I love my son and my husband and our family of three. I have gone to lengths far and wide to make the dream of completing our family a reality. I have been a warrior.
I’ve commented before that I have been ill-equipped to cope with letting go; that there has been no other life goal that I’ve put even a tenth as much effort into, that I’ve ever walked away from. But, I am ready now. I have tried beyond what I ever thought I would do. I felt that our previous ART failures led to the forced choice to adopt. That doesn’t mean that we weren’t fully committed. We were. We came to choosing adoption when we’d reached our end of the road with ART. And, yet, here we are again. My heart knows we are done. This isn’t some arbitrary line in the shape shifting sand but it is the natural and organic culmination of eight years of my life pushing the boulder up hill.
It has been very hard for me to come to terms with being back at this place, the place where I am relying on science & my own body to assist in the realization of a long held dream. However, in order to move forward, I have to also let go and give myself permission to be OK with being done. To some, it may seem like some artificial way out. That it is easier to accept defeat as I’m facing the possibility of success. But it is not that at all for me. This process, this endeavor to have another child, has brought a kind of wisdom that couldn’t have been learned any other way but for having gone through it. It is hard to put into words the metamorphosis that has occurred as I’ve processed what it means to be cycling again, this time with donated embryos. The best way to explain it is that THIS is our end of the road. The mere fact that I have had to consider being pregnant again in an effort to bring another child into our family has proven to me that I have literally done all that I can do. And in knowing that at my core and in my bones, I have gained a freedom to stop that couldn’t have come to me in any other way.
I am not sure that I have two cycles in me. I can barely believe that I have one. But, I do have one and I will see this through. Regardless of outcome and regardless of whether I decide to cycle again if this cycle is unsuccessful, this is the end of the road for me in terms of trying. I am finally, FINALLY at peace with being a family of three. If it is not in the cards for us by way of these donated embryos, then I will be loosed from the shackles that have bound me to trying all these years.
I cannot adequately convey what a gift it is to finally have found my peace in stopping trying, but the relief is sweet & poignant. I tell my son that all he has to do is try his best and it doesn’t matter what the outcome is. It is the effort that matters. Well, I finally know without question that I have tried my best. All these years spent with no take home baby have not been in vain. They have been my deliverance to what will be my contentment without resentment at being a family of three. I could not have gotten here but for this opportunity. I will have tried my best and that IS enough.
“Contentment consist not in adding more fuel, but in taking away some fire.””