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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Deliverance

It is hard to fathom that I am discussing this in terms of myself. It is so completely otherworldly that I am here.

I can’t believe how quickly this deFET is upon me.  It is CD2 and I have started meds. My protocol will include both oral estrace and estrogen patches, baby aspirin, pre-natal vitamins, and folic acid. Once we get to transfer (early in the first week of February), we will add Endometrin, progesterone lozenges, and a Medrol dose pack. It will be my first in 11 cycles (7 own egg, 1 donor egg, 2 FETs (1 own egg, 1 donor egg) that is completely non-injectable.

I have so many competing thoughts and emotions. In discussing this path with my husband, his question was “Then what?” Meaning, if these opportunities (likely two transfers) don’t work, where will we be?  It struck me then and has continued to percolate, that the “then what” is I will be done. If I thought I was battle weary 2 1/2 years ago, I am down right fatigued now (and this cycle is just underway!). But, what I mean is, that everything from our failed own egg cycles, to our failed donor egg cycle, to the protracted and lackluster adoption process, to the renewed (if shaky) hope in these donated embryos have all been a process of coming to terms. I love my son and my husband and our family of three. I have gone to lengths far and wide to make the dream of completing our family a reality. I have been a warrior.

I’ve commented before that I have been ill-equipped to cope with letting go; that there has been no other life goal that I’ve put even a tenth as much effort into, that I’ve ever walked away from. But, I am ready now. I have tried beyond what I ever thought I would do. I felt that our previous ART failures led to the forced choice to adopt. That doesn’t mean that we weren’t fully committed. We were. We came to choosing adoption when we’d reached our end of the road with ART. And, yet, here we are again. My heart knows we are done. This isn’t some arbitrary line in the shape shifting sand but it is the natural and organic culmination of eight years of my life pushing the boulder up hill.

It has been very hard for me to come to terms with being back at this place, the place where I am relying on science & my own body to assist in the realization of a long held dream. However, in order to move forward, I have to also let go and give myself permission to be OK with being done. To some, it may seem like some artificial way out. That it is easier to accept defeat as I’m facing the possibility of success. But it is not that at all for me. This process, this endeavor to have another child, has brought a kind of wisdom that couldn’t have been learned any other way but for having gone through it. It is hard to put into words the metamorphosis that has occurred as I’ve processed what it means to be cycling again, this time with donated embryos. The best way to explain it is that THIS is our end of the road. The mere fact that I have had to consider being pregnant again in an effort to bring another child into our family has proven to me that I have literally done all that I can do. And in knowing that at my core and in my bones, I have gained a freedom to stop that couldn’t have come to me in any other way.

I am not sure that I have two cycles in me. I can barely believe that I have one. But, I do have one and I will see this through. Regardless of outcome and regardless of whether I decide to cycle again if this cycle is unsuccessful, this is the end of the road for me in terms of trying. I am finally, FINALLY at peace with being a family of three. If it is not in the cards for us by way of these donated embryos, then I will be loosed from the shackles that have bound me to trying all these years.

I cannot adequately convey what a gift it is to finally have found my peace in stopping trying, but the relief is sweet & poignant. I tell my son that all he has to do is try his best and it doesn’t matter what the outcome is. It is the effort that matters. Well, I finally know without question that I have tried my best. All these years spent with no take home baby have not been in vain. They have been my deliverance to what will be my contentment without resentment at being a family of three. I could not have gotten here but for this opportunity. I will have tried my best and that IS enough.

“Contentment consist not in adding more fuel, but in taking away some fire.””
~Thomas Fuller

14 comments to Deliverance

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  • Lut C.

    There should be deliverance parties!

    Letting go is so very difficult, it does take a lot of effort and courage.
    Which is why getting there should be celebrated.

  • Hi from ICLW.

    I am sorry for all you have been through. Imagining all of that makes me tired so I obviously have no idea what it’s like in real life…but I think it’s most important that you take care of yourself first, and let go if you feel that is right for you. Wishing you the best and hoping that, against all odds, this last cycle (or two) will work.

  • “I have to also let go and give myself permission to be OK with being done.” This part of your post both moves and really resonates with me.

    Awhile back when I wrote this post: http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/2010/02/omega-and-alpha.html I received one of my favorite comments ever. The woman said this:

    “…It takes courage to let go. Most people think that the courageous are those who take risks, but there is a lot of courage in turning away from things you want too.”

    I was so moved by and appreciated her words.

    I really hope and pray that this cycle or next (if you feel up to it) work for you and that you get that family of four that you have wanted and worked so hard for, for so long.

    But I also get it. Before Abby somehow came into our life (which still dumbfounds me), I had finally come to a place where I was okay and at peace with our family of three (with one in Heaven). I wasn’t happy that things hadn’t worked out for us at the time, but like you have shared here, I had, had enough. I just didn’t know if I had it in me to keep trying.

    Anyway, I admire your attitude here in the face of all you have been through. I appreciate your line of thinking and especially love your last paragraph, I agree that you have tried your best and that as you said, it IS enough. I also think that what you are teaching your son by your words and example are wonderful.

    Wishing you the best with this cycle and your life and family, regardless of the outcome. xoxo

  • (ICLW) wow, what a powerful post. I often wonder about the ‘knowing when enough is enough’, I hope this cycle is successful for you guys, sounds like you have been through a hell of a lot

  • Tireegal

    Beautiful post. You are a warrior and so determined and so persistent. But I think I get where you are now and you are right – you will have tried your utmost. That is all you can do.

  • Sarah

    I really get it. I couldn’t move on to donor gametes until I was ready to say goodbe to the whole dream.

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