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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Whiplash Much?

My approach to blogging is to write when something is going on that I need to work through or when a musing or occurrence inspires me.  I find both the physical aspect of sitting down at my laptop to type and the mental aspect of organizing my thoughts to be cathartic.  In recent weeks, I also feel like my writings may have caused whiplash.  From languishing over our domestic adoption wait, to finding and communicating with my birth mother, to the estrangement with my parents (whom I’ve not seen or spoken to since Christmas day), to embarking on a donated embryo cycle (seemingly from out of the blue), to coming to terms with remaining a family of three should this (these?) deFETs not prove successful.  It all gives way to my blogger identity crisis.

The majority of my posts over the last two years have been about wanting to complete our family, deciding to adopt, moving through the adoption process, going live with our agency, and being angst ridden about the wait, month after month. Most of the blogs I read are from other adoption bloggers whether waiting or on the other side. The ‘secret’ FB groups and members-only Yahoo groups I belonged to were adoption related (past tense as I left or unsubscribed from all of them over the weekend).

I don’t know, maybe there is something about the aging process that lends itself to more easily navigating concurrent life stressors in a more manageable way. Certainly, I have better coping mechanisms and wisdom. And, that I am not working has been both a blessing (I don’t have the added pressure of having to produce or perform professionally) and a curse (I don’t have the distraction that working outside of the home provides). There is an underlying “shit, this is a lot at one time” feeling but I am strangely OK with it. In my younger years, I would have been in a funkified funk, pushed over the edge and into a vat of Chunky Monkey or Cheetos having to deal with just one of the current balls I have up in the air.

Above all, I am filled with such gratitude. Yes, I wish the situation with my parents was different, but it is not something that I can change and I recognize that. I have found my birth mother, something many adult adoptees of closed adoptions are never able to do and I am communicating with her. I know more now than I did when I hadn’t confirmed who she was. I am so grateful for this gift of certainty and closure, regardless of how guarded she is in our communications. I love my husband and his flexibility and willingness to take these many journeys with me. He is the perfect mate for me and I am reminded of that particularly in times of struggle. I love and am abundantly grateful for my son. I garner a strength from just being his mother that supports and propels me through these challenges. It is NEVER lost on me, the many who are still struggling to have their ‘one’ and how much I root for them to realize the dream of motherhood no matter what path leads them there.

I sometimes wish things in my life were more linear, but that has never been the case.  I am trying to do my best and make the most sound decisions I can with the cards I’ve been dealt.  Being grateful, win or lose, buoys me when I might otherwise sink.

“As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily.
The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.”
~Terri Guillemets

5 comments to Whiplash Much?

  • Mel

    I love this post, just because you can feel the peace of heart coating all the words. It is a lot, but it sounds like you’re letting it rock you vs. flip the figurative boat over.

  • Glad to hear you are weathering this well. Maybe you’re right about getting older – it comes with perspective. The ART will work or it won’t, and either way you’ll have resolution.

    I’m also curious why you’ve abandoned the adoption groups -identity shift? Are there groups specific to parents of children born of embryo donation? I suppose there would be. The array of ways to build families and the interpersonal dynamics it creates is just so fascinating to me. I think it is amazing there are so many options now, and so many ways to find support.

  • MM

    Hi from ICLW!
    That is a lot to be taking on at once. No wonder you’ve been here and there. The great thing is that this is your place to be whoever, whatever or wherever you need to be! I hope you are able to find some down time and that your next steps go smoothly!

  • Tireegal

    You are doing so well despite all these balls in the air. Juggling is a great skill to have! I was wondering about you unsubscribing from the adoption groups. Do you see yourself as finished with adoption or feel thst you cant be on those boards while doing an DEFET. What is happening with your agency? Is it the same as before? I so admire you for taking stock abd coming to terms with the realities that are thrown at you. I myself have a really hard time letting go of the idea of your second baby coming to you somehow, but that’s me being selfish and is all about my stuff.
    FWIW I really get the whole SET plan too. It is so important for you to do what you feel is right and then again doctors and their statistics can be very persuasive. It really should not have to feel like such Russian roulette.
    Take care. Don’t forget to take me time!

  • Here from ICLW – wow, that is a lot going on at once! That would give *me* an identity crisis. You sound very calm about it all, especially the estrangement from your parents. I’m glad that blogging is helping you. It sounds like your husband is a great support as well.

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