When I started this post, I was lying in bed on an ice pack, for the 4th consecutive day after wrenching my back during the cool down of my work-out on Sunday. I am happy to report that I am vertical today, albeit still sore, but today will be my first ice pack free day since Sunday. I also think that the para-tubal cyst I have on my left side is playing a role in the slowness with which my back is healing.
On Monday, I spoke with our adoption attorney at the agency we are with and withdrew our profile (I have a post brewing about how this decision came to be as my original plan was to continue our adoption process and commence with this deFET simultaneously). Once you are active in Phase One, if you decide to suspend or withdraw, they call it ‘freezing’ your profile. How apropos. This means that at any time in the future, you may reactivate your profile with them at no additional cost (except for updated home study and profile printing fees). He fully understood how we’d come to this decision and sincerely hoped we’d keep in touch. Our many conversations over the years went beyond just our status as a client of his agency and touched on infertility, my own closed adoption, and the psychology of waiting, among other things. We both agreed we would miss our almost regular philosophical conversations. Upon hanging up, I waited to see how I was feeling, and the predominant feeling was relief. That validated that it was the right decision (I could add, for now, which would be technically accurate but in no way reflects the feeling of closure I have vs. a feeling that we are on pause. As with all things, that could change, but I wouldn’t bet on it).
Tomorrow is my final lining check. I will say that the discomfort from these cysts has been weighing on me in the ‘I wonder what they are doing and if they’ll blow this cycle for me’ kind of way. Today is CD15, when I would normally ovulate (the estrogen I am on should prevent that and these were not follicular cysts), but I am feeling no discomfort now. I can’t imagine what the ultrasound will show tomorrow. Of course, I turned to Dr. Google and happened upon this study. It is impossible to know whether the presence of ovarian cysts at cycle start for a stimulated IVF cycle affected pregnancy rates directly or affected the quality of the maturing eggs which adversely affected pregnancy rates. Regardless, I will know more tomorrow.
If the cysts do not present an impediment to moving forward and if my lining is where it needs to be, transfer will likely be Monday. How the thawing process will unfold and what we’ll have to work with in terms of viable thawed embryos in terms of my decision to only transfer one, has also been weighing on me. If more than one survives the thaw and looks promising, do we grow them out a day to see if there is a clear winner? Do we pick the one that looks the best and grow the others out in the hopes of re-freezing them? If two survive but are mediocre looking, then what? Ugh. Lots to discuss at tomorrow’s appointment if we are proceeding with transfer.
Don’t look for your dreams to come true; look to become true to your dreams.