Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




I am going down two paths, embryo donation and domestic adoption, simultaneously, but I am finding myself leaning ever so slightly in the direction of adoption.

When we started trying again when our son was 5 months old, I very much wanted to be pregnant again and to have children close in age. The thought of “two under two” appealed to me. And, truth be told, I wanted a “do again”; my shot at a more “normal” pregnancy with a cerclage but possibly without the resultant bed rest. And, I liked the “one fell swoop” aspect of getting through toddlerhood and out of diapers in relatively short order and having the closest thing to twins that we could have had. Little did I know the strong-willed temperament our son would have and how daunting and taxing the terrible twos were going to be (and how long given than he entered them at 15 months and is just now emerging from them at almost 3 1/2).

I believe in a universal life force; a metaphysical guiding hand so to speak. And, I believe now, looking back, that we were not meant to have a second child at that time. And, as IVF #1 for a sibling turned into IVFs #2, #3, #4, and #5 I really did believe that the universe was trying to tell me something, but I just didn’t know what. Then, when our donor egg cycle was negative and the donor FET was canceled, I really began to worry that the universe was trying to tell me that I was not supposed to be the mother of two. Alternately, I erroneously thought that perhaps some devastating illness or accident was going to befall me or us and that it would be all I could do to manage one child. It’s not lost on me that the early and tragic death of my brother causes a lot of my cataclysmic thinking.

I have friends who are pregnant for the first time in their forties and it is not an easy road. I am so blessed to be able to support them and I’m grateful to the universe that they are pregnant and will soon be able to experience the same joys of motherhood that I do. It is hard, though, being pregnant in one’s forties. There are so many increased risks: gestational diabetes, edema, pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure, pre-term labor, which says nothing of the run of the mill pregnancy problems like insomnia, sleeplessness, night sweats, sciatica, stretch marks, previa, subchorionic hematoma.

And, let’s talk about the worry that especially comes when one has struggled with infertility and finally and gloriously achieved pregnancy through ART: the 2ww (which about does me in with the “am I?” “no, I’m not” endless loop); the initial beta (is it on target or low?); the worry about doubling (and what if it doesn’t quite); the waiting for first ultrasound and worry about whether there will be a heart beat (and is it fast enough?); the spotting or bleeding that is common in IVF pregnancies; the desperattion to make it out of the first trimester; the nuchal translucency test between 10 – 13 weeks (and what if it’s thick or risk factors come back high?); in my case a cerclage between 12 – 14 weeks (and the worry in the first week of infection and for the next 6 months of it holding); the genetic ultrasound at 18 weeks (is everything measuring as it should, is baby ok?); the prayer to get to 24 weeks and the edge of viability; the gestational diabetes test at 24 weeks, to name but a few.

And then I think of a woman, likely in her early twenties, discovering that she is pregnant at the most inopportune time in her life and making the selfless and often heart-breaking decision to place her baby for adoption. By the time we are matched she is in the late 2nd or early 3rd trimester. She is young, vital, and naive to the perils of pregnancy. Our desires intersect: hers to place her child with a loving couple who can give the child all the things she dreams of and ours to have another child to share our abundance with. And, as daunting as the prospect of navigating these un-chartered waters seems, it feels right. It is what we said we’d do if we couldn’t conceive on our own. It is full circle for us having both been adopted ourselves. There is a rightness to it even if it scares the fuck out of me.

I do have faith that the second child we are meant to have will find us and for now I am trying to stay receptive to the path that might lead us to him or her.

5 comments to Leaning

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