Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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1dp5dt Everything is the Same, Only Different

Of the components to ART, the one that always tripped me up was the 2ww.  In fact, other than the financial expense and our diminishing returns, the mind fuck that is the 2ww is what led me to finally be ready to walk away 2 1/2 years ago.  I simply couldn’t continue to put myself through the kind of water torture that the wait had become.

I think it had something to do with what happened during the 2ww in our successful cycle that produced our son.  We did PGD with that cycle, transferred two normal male blasts, one of which was hatching, and I was convinced that that blast was going to implant.  We had gone to see The Devil Wears Prada and I was sure that I felt the moment of implantation in the form of several short but distinct deep cramps.  I felt a heaviness in my uterus from that point on and was sure I was pregnant.  As long as that tightness was there, it reassured me in the absence of any other symptoms.

I waited until 7dp5dt to POAS and I was confident it would immediately come up positive.  Only it didn’t, it was negative.  I immediately spiraled into an inconsolable emotional mess.  I couldn’t believe I’d been foolish enough to infer that I was pregnant.  I couldn’t believe how cavalier I’d been to take an HPT and fully expect it to be positive.  I was angry at myself for believing my own pregnancy hype.  I wanted off the meds RIGHT NOW!  I called my clinic who reminded me it was early, that that is why they don’t want patients to POAS, etc., but I didn’t care.  I wanted to move my beta up so I could end the turmoil that I’d created.

The earliest they would let me come in was 10dp5dt.  In the two days between my negative HPT and beta, I never tested again.  I was just as sure that I wasn’t pregnant as I had been that I was.  I’d shaken all confidence in myself, in knowing my body, in predicting the outcome.  I’m not sure why I didn’t POAS again other than I just didn’t want to see another negative.

I remember crying when they drew my blood.  The fall from being sure I was pregnant to the snow white HPT was too far, too much to bear.  Of course, the phlebotomist poo-pooed the results of the HPT which even made me angrier.  I just wanted to be done with the cycle, the failure, so that we could regroup and decide what to do next.  My clinic was next door to a BevMo! and I bought a bottle of spirits on my way home.

After beta, I went home, crawled into bed, and stayed there until they called with the results that afternoon.  My eyes were red and swollen from crying, I needed a shower, I hadn’t eaten, I was a mess.  They finally called around 2PM.  I answered the phone and heard an enthusiastic tone in the voice on the other end.  My beta, it seems, was 70.  Thank god I was laying down as I am sure my knees would have buckled.  I cried with relief and couldn’t wait to tell my husband.  I pulled myself together as best I could, drove to his office which was nearby, had him come outside and told him the good news.

I think the stress from the roller coaster of elation to despair to elation imprinted in a way that would affect me during each future 2ww.  For many cycles, I refused to POAS, although with cycles near the end, I was testing again.  I had lost all confidence in my ability to interpret whether I was pregnant or not and so, even though I sometimes accurately thought that I was, I never let myself really believe it.

So, here I am, in what is for me, the truly dreaded 2ww.  I am trying to live in the space that my life today, 1dp5dt, is essentially no different than it was on Saturday, the day before transfer.  I am trying to believe that this gift of an embryo, created with a 21 year old woman’s egg, has a greater likelihood of implanting than any of my old eggs ever did.  I am reminding myself that we have another straw of 3 frozen embryos, that doing an FET itself is not that bad or that expensive, and that we have another shot, a Plan B, if this cycle fails.  I am trying to banish the thoughts that my body has already killed this embryo.  I am trying to focus on what I do have, that I have a son, that I am his mother, and that the outcome of this cycle won’t change that one bit.  I am trying. But I am not succeeding very well.

“Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock,
perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.
Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two,
and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.”
~Jacob A. Riis

8 comments to 1dp5dt Everything is the Same, Only Different

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  • Sarah

    I never poased, and always tortured myself. Im soorry i missed commenting sooner. You are in my thoughts. (((((hugs))))

  • Yes, water torture is a very good description for the 2ww. I’m probably the worst one to talk to about how to cope serenely with the evil wait, because I’m so freaking obsessive that I would start POAS at about 4dp5dt, which everyone knows is far too early to show anything. My real challenge was limiting myself to one stick a day — my last cycle I allowed myself 2 sticks/day, and even then I was making myself crazy.

    So my advice is to just do whatever you need to do to make it through in one piece. We’re all waiting with you!

  • Lut C.

    Oh yes, the 2WW is a tough cookie.

    I have always POAS on beta day, because waiting by the phone that day without any clue was too much for me.
    Before that day, I went up and down in my head. I never had the impression my body was sending me clues either way.

    Hang in there!

  • What helped me during the 2ww was visualize riding the hope and fear as if it were a carnival ride.

    Yes, those emotions were still a roller coaster, and it was up and down and up and down.

    But I had a measure of relief as well because I CHOSE to ride those feelings – instead of being held prisoner to them.

    I am hoping for you and wishing you peace – and a quick wait. Keep busy and just wait it all out.

    xoxo

  • Sue

    I wish there was some way to magically fast forward. Waiting is unbearably hard. I wish there was something I could do to help.

  • Esperanza

    I read a post today that I feel like you really should read. You can find it here:

    http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/2012/02/honoring-possibility.html?m=1

    I hope it brings you some peace.

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