Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Officially BFN

Since one 0 beta in a week isn’t enough, it was confirmed today by my clinic that my beta was, in fact, 0.

There are things that must be discussed prior to my next cycle (which means sooner than later if I am to cycle straight away):

  1. Should we use all 3 estrogen meds to grow my lining (oral estrace, Vivelle patches, and delestrogen injections)?  It is important to me that transfer not be delayed again by a week while we try to thicken my lining.  I’d like it to be ready to go as close to 14 days in as possible.
  2. If I am going to cycle right away, should we do an endometrial biopsy prior to this bleed?
  3. What are my thyroid levels?  My thyroid MUST be in the normal range and I must not be raging hyperthyroid or borderline hypothyroid (as is sometimes the case if we cut back my thyroid meds too far).
  4. Have my cysts resolved themselves and, if not, should I do a month on BCPs in order to see if I can eliminate them?  However, since they are not estrogen producing/receptive, is it likely that that will have an effect?
  5. Should we do a Day 3 transfer (instead of attempting to grow them out)?
  6. Whether we do a Day 3, 4 or 5 transfer, do we transfer two if we have two?

That is all that comes to mind and is enough for my WTF meeting (which will be in person on Sunday.  Yes, Sunday.  I consider it church).

#s 5 & 6 are critically important as these are the last three donated embryos we have, and, like their predecessors, were frozen in one straw.  Given that transferring two could result in twins, we would be faced with having to selectively reduce.  That is a HIGHLY controversial topic, I know, and do not want this space to become a battle ground.  But, as one of my friends quite astutely posed to me today, “Do you want the possibility of none or having to reduce?”  When put that way, there is no choice, given where we are, I would opt for the latter.  It will come down to the ‘helper’ embryo theory, that transferring two increases the odds of them both taking.  The question that remains is, does it increase the odds of one taking?  And, are the odds somewhat mitigated because the eSET failed?

As I ponder what we will do re: transferring two, I’ve actually considered having to password protect this blog, or to not actually publish any posts re: my cycle, or to fudge the truth (to make it palatable), or, to publish everything after the fact, or to bore full-steam ahead in the unabashed way that I always have.  Though, somehow this, this idea of trying to hedge our bets in a way that more likely favors the odds of having one even if two implant, seems so intimate and makes me feel very vulnerable, that I don’t know that even I can be that unabashed.  I have never ever cared what others have thought of the decisions I’ve made.  But this one is a lightning rod and I know it.  And, not just for others, but for ME. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. But, it makes me sicker to think of walking away with nothing, again, and possibly forever.

Much to consider and discuss and research and dissect and soul search and seek counsel.  Much indeed.

“To move ahead you need to believe in yourself…
have conviction in your beliefs and the confidence to execute those beliefs.
~Adlin Sinclair

8 comments to Officially BFN

  • Sorry you’re having such a rough time. I had to comment because your idea of password protecting your posts gave me pause. I write about women’s reproductive rights frequently and have never thought to PW protect my blog posts. Should I worry about an errant wing nut? Whatever happened to freedom of expression anyway?

    Selective reduction is no different than abortion to protect the health of the mother, and should be a matter for you and your physicians. Period.

  • So once again we are sort of in the same boat, particularly with the SET versus transfer of two with risk of having to reduce.

    We had this discussion multiple times with my RE. And we decided to cross that bridge when we get to it; take our chances, transfer two and see what happened. And reduce if we got pregnant with twins, as hard and awful as that decision might be for us.

    As luck would have it, we never had to worry about it. But I did think about the effect on my blog; decided that if I felt like my space wasn’t safe anymore I was going to PWP posts as need be. That’s an option.

    I obviously can’t tell you what to DO. But I know I’m struggling right now with cycling again because I didn’t feel like I did everything we could to bring home another baby. For me, that’s what I need from a cycle to be able to walk away from it.

    If this is your last cycle, you need to feel like you’ve done everything you can to give those embryos a chance. And only you can decide what that is.

    Here, rooting for you, hon.

    xoxo

  • Thinking of you during this hard time. Do you still have my email? If you want to talk, feel free to email.

  • Ugh. I am really sorry to hear this. I’m personally still kinda recovering from the ill-fated 2 FET cycles I did at the end of last year. On one hand, everyone says FETs are ‘easier’ somehow, yet I’ve always found myself feeling the same (if not more) frustrations facing a negative outcome.

    Glad you’ve got yourself so ready with your questions for moving ahead. And also glad you brought up the topic of reduction — which strangely, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone really touch on in the ‘IF blog world’ (and I have skirted around mentioning myself, too). My RE has never even brought it up in the context of IVF — we had ‘the talk’ once during an injectible/IUI cycle where I made too many follicles but we decided to proceed anyway.

    But I think a LOT of us (me included) are going through with this under the assumption that we will reduce if need be. I just can’t get over how difficult/scary it was to get just one baby gestated/delivered safely. Definitely will not be risking trying to do that with two. This is also where I get really pissed off at insurance companies for not covering IVF, because even with knowing this (in my case at least), we are forced to ‘push things’ a bit by automatically opting to always transfer 2. Just can’t afford to not get the biggest chance possible with each cycle.

    Anyway, looking forward to hearing what’s ahead, and definitely thinking of you right now!

  • Mo

    i’m with you. sorry you’re facing a wtf meeting with tough decisions ahead. we feel we would reduce if necessary, heartbreaking as that would be. here for you, supporting you, no matter what direction you choose.

    mo

  • I’m sorry. I too was hoping this beta would be a different result. You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, some of which are intensely personal. If you do PWP some posts, it will definitely keep those of us who support you unconditionally in your corner without opening yourself up to potentially hurtful words.

  • Rebecca

    I’ve been quietly cheering you on through this cycle. And I’ll be cheering on the next. Hoping for 1 to stick! But you know what, I’d reduce, if it were me. And I know there are people out there who will disagree, but I bet there are an equal number of people out there who would do the same (but maybe don’t know that bc they simply aren’t in that situation yet). There’s a risk in putting it all out there on the blogosphere, but there’s also the chance that it will help you sort thru it and will maybe help someone else.

  • Tireegal

    I’m with you one hundred percent. I understand if you want to PWP some posts and I’ll be asking for the password. I’m going with the helper embryo theory as it worked for us. I’ll be cheering you on. Good luck with the consult! PS anything brewing with the adoption agency?

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