Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Restrained Panic

I can feel it, especially when I am alone for too long with thoughts that I don’t banish in time. The what ifs. I felt it while at the car wash, having my husband’s car detailed as a surprise for him while he was away on business. I felt it the following day while waiting for my own car.  I sometimes feel it when in the shower, or the other day while having a pedicure, or while watching my son at Taekwondo.  Idle time when thoughts go to the bad place…the place of “what will we do if this next cycle doesn’t work” place.

These donated embryos were such an incredible gift. Anyone who has attempted to cycle with donated embryos knows that they are in short supply (even though there are an estimated 500,000 cryo preserved embryos in this country, only a fraction have been donated. And, that fraction is hard to come by). Some states put you on a waiting list and when you’re number comes up, you get what you get. And it could take a year or more for your number to come up. Being able to cycle with embryos that were already donated to my clinic with the expressed intent that they be used by another couple made the process seamless. There were no attorney fees. There was no embryo “adoption” nonsense (I am sorry, I do not believe in adopting tissue.  They require an approved home study!). And, because the donating couple used donor eggs/donor sperm, there was no need to update the FDA infectious disease screen. It felt (and still feels) like an embarrassment of riches. I decided in November to pursue donated embryos and by January, I was cycling.

So, given our good fortune, in the almost organic way this unfolded, and even though I have processed that our first attempt was unsuccessful, I am faced with the worry about Plan B, should this next cycle also fail. Is there a Plan B? Should there be?

After I dropped my son off at school yesterday morning and was in the parking lot, another mother, who has three year old b/g twins and a 4 month old baby, pulled in to drop the twins off.  I offered to watch her baby girl while she took the twins to their classroom (otherwise, she’d have to unload all the kids, which can be a hassle for the 5 minutes it takes to drop kids off).  It was just heart warming to give her a bottle and make her smile and coo.  The familiar longing was there.  I am meant to mother another child.  That much I know.

I’ve already asked my coordinator at the clinic to revisit their other available donated embryos.  In addition to reviewing the three other situations we originally passed on, I’m hoping that, with renewed scrutiny, their may be another set that is a good match.  I’ve also checked the Miracles Waiting site (it really is the only on-line resource that matches donors and recipients.  And, there are other local clinics that I can look into.  But, the level of due diligence required to establish myself as a new patient at a new clinic is beyond what I feel willing to do.  And, since these clinics are local, they will likely want me to cycle with them vs. allow the transfer of embryos to my clinic.  In order for this to not take over our lives in a way that I know will be unpalatable to my husband, I need move forward in a way that presents the fewest road blocks. I guess, what I am trying to say, is that for both our sakes, I need to be prudent by treading lightly.

Tomorrow is my WTF meeting with my RE.  Unlike many of my other similar meetings, I do feel that I have a lot of questions the answers to which will determine much about our next cycle.

In the meantime, I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself.  This next cycle isn’t even underway, yet.  But, I feel the familiar gnawing; the same question that has plagued me at different times and in different ways over the last 5 years, what will we do?

“Choices are the hinges of destiny.”
~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

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