Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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I can count on him

I love my husband. That is neither shocking nor a revelation. However, given our tentative beginnings and now decade together, I am still sometimes surprised by just how much I love him. I won’t write a sappy, muzak-y post pontificating on his many virtues or the virtues of our marriage. But I want to share a few tidbits that will shed light on why he’s the one for me.

As I’ve written before, both my husband and I are adopted. That alone creates a bond that is very unique to us. And, our adoptions were both closed (as most were forty years ago). We both had varying desires to know about our birth parents but both eventually found our peace with knowing nothing or very little about them or our starts in the world. It’s almost as if in finding each other the wound created by the feelings of abandonment that often come with being adopted healed over. Settled is the word. I feel settled with him.

My husband is a huge help and unlikely partner (unlikely in the sense that while in his early 30s when we met he was living with his mother again after returning from the first Gulf War and was a bit of a mama’s boy). It was his willingness to help with whatever needed doing at a big party I hosted when we first met that attracted me to him. He wanted to help for my sake. This trait made the rigors of cycling easier on me as through seven (that’s 7 people!) own egg IVFs, 1 FET, 1 DE cycle and 1 DEFET he gave me every.single.injection. (He also nursed me through four major surgeries, but that’s besides the point).

Beyond that, though, he was literally by my side throughout my protracted bed rest during my pregnancy with our son. Day in and day out, it was really only him. I did have friends visit from time to time and my mom made meals occasionally. But it was my husband who got up earlier than necessary for work each day just to make sure I had everything I needed within arms reach before he left. It was my husband who came home for lunch every.single.day for 5 months + 1 week to give me lunch. It was my husband who took me to every.single.appointment with my OB or Peri. I had weekly appointments from week 6 through week 28 of my pregnancy and sometimes there were two appointments in one week. It was my husband who shaved my legs in bed because I was only allowed one 6 minute shower every other day and that was never enough time to wash myself and my hair let alone shave my legs. It was my husband that I shared my deepest fears about losing the pregnancy and it was my husband who would cuddle up with me at night to listen to our growing son’s heartbeat on the fetal Doppler. All this to say that I can count on him.

And, now it’s my husband who is the absolute best father to our son. There is nothing like watching your husband play Legos or Lincoln Logs or trains or “I’m going to get you” with his son to make the heart burst to overflowing. It is a gift the universe gives to mothers blessed with an involved co-parent…to see their joy and wonder and humility.

So, it’s not surprising that it’s now my husband who is supporting us through this desire to have another child. Even though he was gung-ho in the beginning as we tried and tried, his desire really waned as our son entered the terrible twos at 15 months. And he stayed with his head stuck in the sand saying “la-la-la-la, I can’t hear you” for about a year. But, when he comes around, he really comes around. And, by coming around, it actually gives me the freedom to consider NOT having another one, because it’s no longer about convincing him. He is on board and I have no doubt that he will love a future child as much as he loves our son no matter how that child comes to us.

People often say it but it is really true for me that not a day goes by when I am not grateful and humble for the life I have, the relationship I have with my husband, and the family we are building. I am so fortunate that my life, riddled with tragedy as it was, has unfolded in exactly the way that it has. It’s likely because of what I’ve endured and overcome that I am able to have this deep appreciation, an almost hyper vigilance to NOT take things for granted.

So, while my husband is enjoying a night out doing something he loves, and our son is soundly asleep in his bed, and the dog is snoring peacefully at my feet as I type this, my world is right and as we say to each other, “Honey, my love for you is big.”

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