Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Inching forward

I still cannot believe what a laborious process processing information is. I mean, how long can it really take to make a decision and move along that path, one thing at a time? Well, clearly it takes years, and in my case, three to be exact. And, I worried all along that the longer it took the longer it would take and that is turning out to be exactly the case.

First things first: my clinic sucks when it comes to organization and having well designed programs to offer their clients. And, they are the second largest clinic in the country when it comes to the volume of IVF cycles they complete each year. So, even though I had a phone consult with my RE regarding the clinic’s available donated embryos over a month ago, we are still really no further along. Without a dedicated resource there to manage the donated embryo “program” it is nearly impossible to move things along. My RE can’t even tell me the hair color of the maternal and paternal donors much less their ethnicity.

But, that’s ok (well, it’s really not OK but I’m ok with it) because the longer this has taken and the closer to the edge of possibly cycling to become pregnant again I am, the less I find myself wanting to pursue this path. There are many times during my day when I am reminded how happy I am not to be saddled with the worry of being pregnant. And there are many more times I’m grateful that I can do all the things I am currently doing without the ever constant worry. Don’t get me wrong, if we were blessed to get pregnant the old fashioned way with a full biological sibling to our son, I would do the most exuberant happy dance imaginable. But beyond that, I really don’t think I want to go through any more scientific hoops to become pregnant. There, I said it.

While I was pregnant with my son and during my 5 months of bed rest, my inner intuitive voice was ever vigilant in willing me to do what my doctors remanded me to because this is your one chance at a live birth, the voice would whisper. And, I really believed it. Even though we tried in vain to have another child over 5 additional OE IVFs and 1 DE cycle, I was haunted by the memories of that voice. And I am still haunted now. It’s not cynicism or even pessimism. It’s reality. As much as I would like to think otherwise, and as much as I sometimes delude myself, I do not think I am destined to be pregnant again. Universe, I hear you!

In the meantime, I received an email with the adoption agency’s retainer agreement and client info sheet. I am printing it now and am going to complete it and send it back with the first half of the Phase I payment. The next thing to do is work on our profile. Once that is complete and submitted with the second half of the Phase I payment, our profile will be shown to prospective birth mothers. Then we wait for a match that is right for us. It all sounds so straight forward. Only, it’s not, believe me I know that it’s not. But it is the one path we have that will lead us to a long desired second child and sibling for our son. It is the one path that will lead us to finally being complete. It is the one path that will lead us from the state of “family building” to the state of “family being”. I am ready to get on with it.

On our way out of school today as another parent was loading up their infant, I asked my son if he’d like us to have a baby. It’s something I’ve asked him from time to time. Today he said that yes, he would like for us to have a baby. He would like for me to get him a girl baby. He loves my god-daughter and often asks that I get a baby just like her. Today he asked that she be just like Dora (the Explorer). Out of the mouths of babes.

We have but this one life. I wish I could stand in the place that I’m in and declare “I’m done”. But, it would be a lie. I want to mother a newborn again. I want another child. I want our son to have the sibling experience. I want to be a family of four and have that dynamic. I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! It is what it is.

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