Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Fragile

Two posts by fellow bloggers have me in tears today because they call to the surface just how fragile I am feeling as we near the end of the road in our family building efforts.  First, I read Carole’s Stronger, Braver, Smarter… post over at Fertility Lab Insider where she draws upon a quote from Winnie the Pooh (some of the warmest, sweetest quotes and one of my favorite quotes of all time come from Pooh). It is so hard, when you are facing the imposed end to something you have poured your life into achieving, to consider having to walk away without realizing your dream. When you have gone down every road you can, the same roads that have led countless others to their children, how do you walk away?

And, when I read Serenity’s post, Beginning Again, not only am I cheering her on in her quest for #2, but I commiserate with being caught between hope and fear. And, if “the hardest part of ending is starting again”, what will my start be if this cycle fails? What, exactly, will that beginning look, feel, and be like?

In my life, I am not a fearful person. I am so self confident and resourceful that there has been no life challenge that I haven’t been able to meet head on. Life has dealt me some pretty crappy hands but I have the internal fortitude, self reliance, and tenacity to overcome. I am a survivor. But, the mere thought of this cycle not working absolutely tears me down, rips at my vulnerability, and makes me raw. It is my kryptonite.

It is not the diagnosis of IF that has been my undoing, it is my powerlessness over it. I thank the universe and the science of ART every day for bringing me my son. I thank the surgeon who removed my fibroids after a radiologist told me I would never be able to carry a pregnancy. I thank my OB for keeping me pregnant when my body could not do it on its own. I thank my RE for the myriad ways he has supported us in trying for #2, from my continued own egg cycles, to our donor cycle, to our adoption pursuit, to our return to ART in being able to receive donated embryos from our clinic. I thank my husband for allowing me to see this through even if I haven’t always known what that meant. I thank my friends who have been with me even if that sometimes meant leaving me alone.

Nevertheless and despite my profound gratitude, I cannot fathom where I will be if this cycle fails. I am doing all that I can and would do more than that if I could affect the outcome. But, I cannot. I am powerless to exert influence over the embryos in that straw becoming a baby.

I have been on the verge of being broken in my life but have somehow managed to not careen over the edge. Broken is what I will be if this does not work because I do not know where I will go from here. I have never really allowed for an alternate ending. The pursuit has always ended, one way or another, with us having a second child. Even now, my desperate mind is conjuring other ways, but, truth be told, there is no other way. This is the way. Or not. And we will know soon enough.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
~A.A. Milne

6 comments to Fragile

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  • Sarah

    ((((((((hugs))))))))

  • Yes.

    I keep telling myself that when this all ends, no matter the outcome, I will be in the same place. With Lucky, and Charlie, and my life as it is today. Relieved that I don’t have to expend my energy on family-building.

    But that’s not quite true. Because even though I WILL be in the same place, I’ll have to expend energy on wading through the grief of the loss of the family I had envisioned.

    But always, deep down, I know. Someday it will be okay. Not right away, maybe not for years. There will always be a part of me who will mourn losing my second child. But I will be okay.

    Not sure it helps you now. Hugs and love and abiding with you.

    xoxo

  • Tireegal

    What a beautiful quote. We are just getting into Pooh, and Isobel loves him. I cant fathom this journey ending without your second child either. My heart is with you and I’m wishing so hard for the longed for outcome.
    My own denial about this keeps wanting to ask, well what about the adoption? You were close. Could it still happen?
    I’m sorry, I don’t want to give up. I want this so much for you. I also want you to find a way to survive and find a way through this if God forbid, this cycle isn’t successful.
    Abiding with you and always here for you, my friend.

  • Peg

    Just wanted to say hang in there and I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now.

    I love the Pooh quote at the end. It made me want to immendiately comment and let you know someone is listening and hoping for the best for you and your family.

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