Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Waiting to Exhale

As I write this, my son is gleefully playing in his plastic wading pool outside.  He is shrieking with excitement as he runs and jumps in, exclaiming, “Mommy!  Watch this!”  It is a lovely day with sunshine galore and temps in the high 70s.  We took the train to my appointment this morning, walked to lunch, and took the train home.  A 3 hour tour.

I had what will be my final lining check, ever. My lining is 9.7 and ‘almost’ trilaminar in appearance. Such is life for the woman who has never, in 12 cycles, had a trilaminar pattern.

This week is spring break for my son and we are planning a day trip away on Thursday. I was hoping that we could agree to thaw the embryos Friday for a Day 4 transfer on Saturday. And, because that also jives very well with my REs schedule, that is the plan. So, tomorrow night I will start PIO (I have only done PIO injections with one other cycle, my successful cycle with my son) and Wednesday will add Crinone (my first cycle using Crinone) and begin the Medrol dose pack.

I am physically sick to my stomach. This cycle has been very low key, almost to the point that my husband and I have forgotten we’re even cycling. Be that as it may, it is THE cycle of my life. Now that we have scheduled transfer, the ‘end of the road-ness’ that this cycle represents has set in. I am experiencing controlled internal emotional chaos. Controlled only in that I force myself to rein in the bad thoughts before they take hold and run rampant.

My thoughts vacillate between this has to and will work to fear that none will survive the thaw. It is a precipice, really, between beleaguered hopefulness and quiet desperation. Never, in my eight year struggle with infertility have I ever felt desperate, due in part to there always being a Plan B (C, D, E or F). Only now this is our Plan Z. And that desperation, for this last ditch effort to PLEASE bring us the child we are meant to have, fuels the panic that is turning my stomach.

I have to get these fears out, founded or not, lest I have a full blown panic attack:

  • Maybe none will survive the thaw
  • Maybe the one(s) that do will look like crap
  • Maybe I won’t get pregnant
  • Maybe I’m not a good enough mother to warrant having another child
  • Maybe I am not meant to mother another
  • Maybe something sinister is lying in wait and I therefore should not have another child
  • Maybe I don’t deserve to have another child

Fear is an insidious thing in that it creeps into those dark recesses of one’s mind and heart and permeates one’s view of themselves and their place in the world.  And my fear of this cycle not working (and then what) is overwhelming.  Intellectually, I know that there is nothing to do in this moment but wait.  Wait until Friday’s thaw report and wait for the possibility of transfer on Saturday.  Rein in the fear, hold back the emotion, stay in the present.

I am so not one to beg but I ain’t to proud to.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let them thaw, let us have something to work with, let this work.  Please.

I do believe that most men live lives of quiet desperation.
For despair, optimism is the only practical solution. Hope is practical.
Because eliminate that and it’s pretty scary.
Hope at least gives you the option of living.
~Harry Nilsson

4 comments to Waiting to Exhale

  • Anna

    I’m another one who will be keeping everything crossed and hoping as hard as I can for you. This isn’t a judgement or the universe punishing you, it’s a challenge that’s horrendous to go through but you have your team, you are doing everything that is possible to overcome it. I also think you should be kind to yourself, this is so tough but you are in a good place to face it.x

  • Holding my breath right alongside you. And please do remember that if it DOESN’T work, it’s not the universe passing judgement on you or your fitness as a parent! This horribleness that is IF is hard enough without loading that sort of guilt on yourself. Be gentle with yourself, ok? Hoping so hard for you!

  • Sarah

    If only being worthy were enough, then we’d all have all the children we wanted. I can feel how scared and powerless you feel. It’s so hard being at the last stop on the IF train. I’m holding you and your embryos in mind. ((((hugs)))

  • Tireegal

    I hope getting those thoughts down helped a little. I definitely get the picture. I am sad that you feel that you might not be worthy. I think you are very worthy. Extremely deserving. Goddammit this has to work. I will be tiptoeing through thr week with you, breathing shallow and quiet, and waiting to breathe out and squeal with what I hope hope hope is excitement over a lovely transfer. Really right there with you on this!

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