I woke up at 5:00 this morning and am writing this from the darkness and quiet of our family room. I slept well last night, but once I was up, I was up, with thoughts about how monumental this morning feels. Of course, I am trying not to worry that the embryos all arrested. While that seems like it should be doubtful, there’s no telling for sure.
So, here I am, decidedly not pregnant but hopeful that the embryo report is positive when we arrive and that that will instill hope into my weary heart. My mood is good, if cautious, and my stomach is in knots, filled with anticipation.
I still remember the date of my transfer with my successful cycle with my son: Sunday, 7/2/06. I wonder and want the same for Saturday, 4/14/12. Gosh, just seeing both dates in relation to each other underscores just how much time has transpired between them: 2113 days or 5 years 9 months and 2 days. Wow.
I am home from transfer. The results could have only been worse if all three arrested. Even though my 3 donated vitrified embryos survived the thaw and were still alive this morning, they had not grown, at all. They remained an 8 cell, 5 cell, and 4 cell, grade 3 (my clinic grades from 1-5, with 1 being highest grade). They were alive, there were no dead cells, so there was that, but to not have divided at all in the 12+ hours since they were thawed is so discouraging.
These embryos were created from a 21 year old egg donor and 27 year old sperm donor. The fresh cycle produced g/g twins, and, yet, now after thawing all 6 over two FETs, only one made it to transfer last time (a compacted morula) and now these three that seemed suspended.
The only good news was that, for the first time in 8 years and 12 cycles, my lining was 11mm, triple pattern. I guess there really is something to be said for endometrial biopsy. We were all shocked and marveled at it on the u/s screen. Having never seen a trilaminar lining of my own before, it was a lovely sight. I just wish we had transferred something more viable into it.
My RE was clear that he didn’t want us leaving with no hope or in a state of doom and gloom. There was just no explanation for why they failed to develop except that with frozen embryos it can take time for them to revitalize. He reminded me (which is his job, I guess) of the thousands of perfect embryos they transfer that fail to implant and the crappy ones that go on to live birth. It will be hard to hold on to that over then next 10 days.
I am trying not to give in to the despair just below my emotional surface. I could completely lose it and feel like doing so, but what good would that do. It seems silly to be adhering to bed rest followed by ‘light activity’ tomorrow but I will. Each PIO and delestrogen injection will feel like a cruel joke. This is the worst kind of limbo for me. I am the one that others will speak about in hushed, pitying tones, “Poor thing, barely a chance in hell. What will become of her?”
I am at such a loss to know how to feel, what to think, what this means. Sad, disappointed, worried, frustrated, angry, depressed, foolish, shocked, discouraged. Yep, that about sums it up.
“Well, limbo is not a good place to be.”