Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Imperceptible

And so, the mind fuck that occurs between betas and will continue from repeat beta (provided they actually do rise) and heart beat scan in the 6th week, has begun. I had a lot of cramping last night for about an hour after dinner. I drank my weight in water, lied down and they did eventually dissipate. I have had no bleeding (there was some brown spotting associated with my progesterone suppository yesterday morning, but I attribute that to implantation bleeding working itself out finally).

I feel slightly less pregnant today than yesterday (where I felt slightly less pregnant than the day before). Of course, now I’m feeling like yesterday’s beta was already on the downside of where ever it peaked and that tomorrow’s will likely reflect that.

I told myself that I would not freak out or ruminate on endless loop that I was no longer pregnant. That is proving much more difficult to do. Of course I know there is nothing I can do or think to make this any different than it already is in any given moment and I am trying not to think too much about it either way. As anyone who has undergone ART and has had recurring losses can attest, that is very challenging.

I think one of the only things that has prevented me from tipping giving into the ‘all is lost’ insanity is that my basal body temperature is still elevated at anywhere between 98.8 – 99 degrees. Beyond that and my OK beta from yesterday (yes, even my opinion of that has been reset as I get further away from the results and allow thoughts of ‘why wasn’t it higher?” creep in), I am holding on to hope by my fingernails.

This is all part of it and I know it. I have been here seven times before (with much higher starting betas). My naivete went out the window when my 2nd naturally conceived pregnancy with a beta of 25 ended abruptly the next day. That was 8 years ago.

One day at a time, girl. One day at a time.

“Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee.”
~Montaigne

11 comments to Imperceptible

  • ODAT forsure. You can do this! xoxo

  • Mo

    thinking of you today. and hoping for a very much doubling beta : )

  • Sarah

    Betas are a mindfuck. I’ve always had solid high betas, but only onesucessful pregnancy, so basically I’m not helping! What I’m trying to say is that there is. I way around trying to both predict the future, and guard against loss. That is the clusterfuck of rpl. Cramping seems very positive. Just keep on keepin on.

  • It is so freakin’ hard to take it one day at a time and to not over analyze your numbers. I was actually somewhat lucky in that I didn’t find out my first beta until I heard my second. If I had only the first number, I wouldn’t be able to help over analyze it even though “they” say not to take too much into 1 hCG reading by itself.

    Best wishes, I hope that you get the best of news with your second beta tomorrow.

  • It’s a crazy-making time. Breathe ….

  • Thinking of you and hoping for a rising beta with all my heart… and I’ve nominated you for a ‘One Lovely Blog’ Award via http://newyearmum.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/one-lovely-blog-award.html xoxo

  • Mo

    one day at a time, indeed. one thing to remember – you were convinced you weren’t pregnant at all. and you were thoroughly wrong about that : )…so…just a little evidence that whatever you’re feeling may not have much at all to do with whatever is happening inside. i hope the time passes as quickly as possible. hang in there. thinking of you. i know, deeply, how crazy making this time period is.

    mo

  • Rebecca

    So one point of difference here is that this BFP is DE, whereas the others were not. So maybe hang on to that difference to get through the worst of the loop? I honestly am still feeling so positive about all this!

  • Well dang. I’m sorry things are feeling like they’re slipping away for you — and I definitely can understand where these feelings come from. It’s funny, though — to me your beta # was pretty solid (I have always been a ‘low beta gal’ — even with my son). I do wonder, though, what it would be like to have a super-solid, very robust first beta. Plus, of course, the reassurance of a ‘civilian’, to be able to start thinking baby names the second that second line pops up. Sigh…

    Anyway, hang onto this moment — there are many reasons to believe it will all be ok. I very much look forward to your next update, and will be thinking of you.

  • Hang in there! We’re all excited and rooting for you and the bebe(s).

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