Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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I Get So Emotional, Baby

Now that I have had one set of normally doubling betas and have a few days before my next check, I have some time to let myself be in the moment of this pregnancy.  Of course it is very early and, as such, seems very tenuous.  For me, with previously diagnosed incompetent cervix, there will be many hurdles to staying pregnant, once we get to and hopefully pass our heart beat scan.

I found myself gripped in fear last night in a PTSD kind of way.  My pregnancy with my son was fraught with peril when an ultrasound detected both shortening of the cervix and funneling at the internal os during my routine weekly cervical check at 16 weeks.  It would be another 6 days, at my next check with my perinatologist, that all hell would break loose in a do not pass go, do not collect $200, get thee to the hospital immediately type of way.  It was awful living with the daily and very real fear that at any day post emergency cerclage placement, I could lose the pregnancy.  Just imagine that every time I had to get up to go to the bathroom or during my one 6 minute shower every other day or en route to my weekly doctor appointment I worried that the unthinkable would happen, that the cerclage would not hold, that I’d get an infection, that he would be born too soon.  My prognosis was not good, grim in fact given the 1.97cm of cervix I had in which to place the cerclage, yet, we managed.

Even though I know a happy outcome is possible, probable even, with a preventative cerclage, it is worrisome.  Of course, I hope to make it that far and I hope that I will be able to have a more normal, vertical pregnancy, but we just don’t know.  It is clearly a risk I am willing to take.

Beyond that, though, I am just so humble and so grateful that this cycle worked at all.  I am easily moved to tears when I consider that there is life growing within.  I am so fortunate to have had this chance to begin with and then to have a BFN with the first cycle and an arguably better embryo only to have success with embryos that didn’t develop post thaw?  That is incredible to me.

I feel so fragile, not in a fear induced kind of way, but in a please, please, please, please kind of way.  I am in the present, not looking too far down the road but it is hard not to want to.  Unlike my pregnancy with my son, where I wished the days away during my difficult first trimester and begged them away during my 2nd and 3rd, I want and believe I deserve to enjoy this.  I want to revel in this in a way that the circumstances of my last pregnancy robbed me.  Of course, I am not naive and I know the dangers that might lurk around every corner.  But this dream, something I only conjured in my head and heart, is now a reality and I want to embrace it.  So, that is what I am trying to do.

In the meantime and because my son is in school half-days and what little work I am doing can be done on my own time, I’ve cocooned myself. I find it hard to bump up against people who don’t know.  I find it hard to engage them, especially people I know care about and have been rooting for us for years to have another child, without wanting desperately to tell them.  But, I just can’t.  In all honesty, I am still unsure I what point I will feel comfortable.  I suppose I’ll know it when I am.

I am emotionally vulnerable right now.  At dinner last night, my son asked in all his innocence, as he often does, “Mommy, is there a baby in your belly, yet?” and it was all I could do to not full on cry.  When he leaves a room but runs back to give me an unexpected kiss, I cry.  When I see touching commercials or movie trailers or read news stories or emotional blog posts, I cry.  It’s hard to regulate the profound depth and breadth of my feeling towards being in this place.

It is an impossibility for me to take any of this for granted.  I’m reminded of a line from the movie Short Circuit (that movie had some hilarious dialogue), where the character Ben Jabituya says, “I am standing here beside myself”.  I am both living this and surveying it happening to me.  I am in awe.

“When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.”
~Gilbert Keith Chesterton

6 comments to I Get So Emotional, Baby

  • (((HUGS))) from almost a month in the future. I know how hard it is to keep your spirits up when you have been through so much to get where you are. Abiding with you and believing that this pregnancy can and will have a happy ending! :)

  • Hello from ICLW. Oh, my heart is with you! You have been through soooo much! I hope and pray that you are able to really enjoy this pregnancy! So glad to hear your beta numbers look great. Hang in there!!! You got through that first one…despite all the heartache and fear…you are strong and courageous. Big HUGS!

  • Hello from ICLW! Congrats on the the doubling beta! Excellent news!

  • Stopping by from ICLW. Congrats on your healthy beta rise. Fingers crossed that things go well through the long journey ahead. And that your baby and your fragile emotional state will hold strong!

  • Anna

    I am so grateful and so happy that you are there, having those thoughts, quietly pregnant. The fears are so many, having lived through a knife-edge pregnancy I sympathise, I still have problematic feelings as a result. I am so pleased. I am rooting for you and willing you both to stay pregnant and to have that ‘nice’ pregnancy that I read about,x

  • Sarah

    Pleasepleaseplease indeed

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