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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Out From the Shadows

Through our years of ART and before I started this blog, I have run the gamut of telling a number of in real life friends that we were cycling to telling no one.  I kept this last cycle very close to my vest.  I do have some close IRL friends who read this blog who obviously knew, but it’s not even something I discussed IRL with them.  I felt the most self-protective I have ever felt.

With my pregnancy with my son, I had three bleeding episodes in the first trimester.  Because of that, I waited until 14 weeks to tell anyone IRL.  However, I was part of an IVF Yahoo group that had a ‘pregnant post IVF’ sub-group and I found it very comforting to have those women to share the ups/downs of the first trimester with.  They were my lifeline and some are IRL friends to this day.

I was recently watching Bethenny Ever After and something her therapist said struck me.  She was talking about how isolated she was because she didn’t feel she could share her feelings about her husband/marriage with her friends because everyone perceived him as the perfect husband and she didn’t think anyone would believe her, much less understand.   As she was crying, obviously burdened by the difficulties in her marriage, he therapist said, “if you isolate yourself, you will be miserable”.  And, I had an ah-ha moment where I knew exactly what he meant and felt it within myself.  I have been miserable choosing not to discuss this (my cycle, my new, fragile pregnancy) IRL.

It is such a tightrope I walk, having had 6 early losses, knowing all that can go wrong, and being saddled with the fear that if it does, I want the fewest people possible to have to un-tell.  But, if you know me IRL, you know that my life is an open book, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and isolating myself goes against my natural grain.  I am not a shout it from the roof-tops type of woman, but I usually have no problem sharing the intimacies of my life with those I trust.

In this post, I referred to someone who announced her pregnancy to me, over coffee, when she was just 4 weeks pregnant. She is a relatively new friend, just a couple of years, but we spend a lot of time together because our children were in the same preschool class and we were both active members of the school’s parents club. Even though we’ve changed schools, our friendship has continued and we see each other weekly or so.

She and her daughter came over last Sunday for a play date, just after my first HPT was positive. I remember sitting with her, talking all about her pregnancy (she is now 14 weeks), her NT scan, her decision to do an amnio, her PTSD from her pregnancy with her daughter (she was encouraged to have a late amnio (at 31 weeks) because an ultrasound revealed one of the markers for DS and the amnio caused her water to break and her daughter was born at 32 weeks and spent six weeks in the NICU), etc. She did not know we were trying again, only that we were trying to adopt. So, I felt a little disingenuous not mentioning anything but was sure as hell not going to.

She and her daughter were over again today. Once again, I was peppering her with questions re: her pregnancy, etc and based on how the conversation naturally went, I ended up telling her I was pregnant. She just about cried, I’m not sure from the shock or from her excitement for us or from her elation that we are pregnant at the same time. And then I found myself at that familiar place, asking her to keep this secret (we know a lot of the same people) and reminding her that this is my 8th pregnancy and I only have one living child. I did not go in to details about just how I came to be pregnant, but she did ask if we did IVF and I said yes. That much I felt I could reveal at this early stage.

And I did feel relieved to have told her and I did appreciate her heartfelt enthusiasm. She does not know one other infertile person (well, she knows one but she had stopped ART at IUI and she and her husband adopted 2 boys) so she has no direct experience with what it means that this was so hard fought or how just how fragile I feel, especially with my recurrent losses.

I felt awful having to say things like, “if we make it to heart beat scan” or “I’ll let you know if things go south”, but that is the reality that I am living with. I try to tell myself that maybe it’s not as bad or as likely given that this pregnancy was conceived from a 21 year old donor egg, but I know all too well that even those pregnancies end in miscarriage.

She does seem to understand why I am guarded and I did receive a text from her after she left saying something along the lines that she was happy that I felt like I could tell her. It makes me feel a bit vulnerable being out there and testing the confidentiality of a new friendship with such important information, but the alternative, the choosing to not discuss it, has indeed been making me miserable.  Who knew a reality show would inform my real life.

So many hurdles yet to jump and I hope I do, with flying colors. For now, one day at a time.

“Solitude vivifies; isolation kills.”
~Joseph Roux

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