I am hoping for continued positive beta progression tomorrow when I go in for beta #3. I cannot formulate the words to express how badly and deeply I want this pregnancy to develop. For the first time in almost 5 years, I am currently relieved of the burden of planning, considering, discussing, conjuring, negotiating, or being consumed by how or if #2 might come to us. Do not get me wrong, I am still consumed by thoughts about the continuation of this pregnancy, but, I maybe spend 25% of my waking moments thinking about that vs. 75% of my mind time thinking about the former.
It didn’t actually dawn on me until today, that for the last 8 days I have been given a reprieve from all the worry associated with trying to find a path to the child we were meant to have. I am lighter, both in mood and attitude. It in no way negates the concern I have as I navigate the early days and weeks of this pregnancy, but my mind has been freed from the other stress. Not only am I not consumed, but even though I am stressed about this fledgling pregnancy, my modest hopefulness tempers the worry somewhat.
I knew I was consumed with the pursuit of #2, but I in no way understood the full extent of its insidiousness. In being mindful during this time now, it only adds to how grateful I feel for this chance. I am more present and conscious in the life that I do have, with my husband and my son, and for that gift alone, I am profoundly thankful.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”