Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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46 and Pregnant

I had a rough day, emotionally, yesterday.  Recurrent loss (even if they were with my own eggs and mostly prior to heart beat scans) robs me of the ability to believe, from day to day, that I am still pregnant.  I just wasn’t feeling it at all yesterday and it was a total mind fuck that put me in an almost paralyzing funk.

Today is a new day, and my birthday at that.  My son woke early from the excitement of knowing he’d made a card for me that he couldn’t wait to give me.  I heard him singing to himself in his room by 6:30 so I went in to welcome the day with him.  He practically hurled himself out of bed to grab the card and give it to me.  He is so sweet!

My husband usually sleeps in (by that, I mean until 7:30 on work days) but even he came out to join in the birthday revelry.  He told me earlier this week that he’d gotten me a couple of ‘little’ things and asked if I wanted them or wanted to wait (and I opted to wait).  He also said something like “you may have more use for one of them in a few months”.  I had no idea what he meant.  He presented me with two wrapped packages: one was the new Backstreet Boys CD (I mentioned in passing that I wanted it) and the other was a Kindle!  He was foreseeing possible bed rest down the road and thought the Kindle would come in handy.  He is so sweet!  Now I can load the 50 Shades series and re-read them all :) (And, my aunt works at a local library and libraries offer free e-book downloads, cool!).

These days in between concrete affirmation that this pregnancy is continuing are so hard for me.  I find myself practically holing up in bed.  Today, I have some errands to run (my husband dropped the vial of PIO last night which shattered on our stone bathroom floor, so I need to pick up a new bottle) and my son is out of school early.  I made no other birthday plans (which isn’t the norm as I generally really enjoy celebrating my birthday with friends but am feeling too fragile this year).

I am not depressed, rather I love that it is my birthday and that I am <hopefully still> pregnant.  I am just fearful and in need of reassurance that things are progressing.  There is something in the IF world that I call the “36 hour phenomenon” wherein the relief from confirmation that all is well (whether by beta or u/s or OB appointment, etc) lasts about 36 hours before the doubt and worry set in again.  There’s nothing we can tell ourselves, no logic or pragmatism, that quells the discontent.

Let me be clear that I am abundantly grateful to be pregnant and I am looking forward, with cautious optimism, to all that this pregnancy holds.  However, it is a frightening and scary place to be.  I am acutely aware that there are no guarantees and simply wanting this as much as I have ever wanted anything in my life won’t necessarily protect it and see it through to fruition.  I am trying (trying, trying) to just be and let it be but it is so, so hard for me.  Ignorance would be such bliss but I know way too much for that.

I am not sure what it is about risk assessment where a hard fought pregnancy is concerned, but I have a 95% chance (odds or miscarriage range from 2 – 10%, depending on who you ask, but 5% is what has been consistently quoted to me), now that we’ve confirmed the heart beat, of having a positive outcome.  However, it is far easier (more natural, for me, even) to focus on the 5% chance that things will not work out.

Hope and fear make strange bedfellows.  Nevertheless, I hover somewhere in betwixt most of the time.  It positively moves me to tears every time I think of how grateful and happy I am to be here and how much I want this to work.  This gift of possibility, this hope for the family completeness I have struggled so hard for, it both cuts through me and cuts me wide open.  Please, please, please, please, please.

“Hope and fear are inseparable. There is no hope without fear, nor any fear without hope.”
~François de la Rochefoucauld

16 comments to 46 and Pregnant

  • Hello from ICLW! I just wanted to say that I relate so very much to many of the things you wrote about in this post. Hang in there, I hope the time until your next appointment passes quickly and you receive only good news.

  • I remember that fear. Even now as I look at my 3 year old boy. I remember that fear. Best wishes from someone from the infertility sisterhood who remembers and is pulling for you :) ICLW

  • Happy happy birthday :)) Hope your day was peaceful and pampered… thinking of you xoxo

  • Happy Birthday and Happy ICLW! I think everything you are feeling is normal! Hang in there and try to not stress, but it’s easier said than done that’s for sure. Looking forward to hearing how everything goes.

  • Happy belated bday and happy ICLW!
    Keep that hope fighting on! :)

  • Just wanted to add my wishes for a very, very special year ahead, too.

    You really nailed it on the “36 hour phenomenon”, too! Nice to have a name for that experience.

  • Soooo true about hope and fear.

    Wishing you a wonderful day and HOPEFUL year ahead. ;)

  • Eb

    First of all, Happy Birthday Mamma. It’s inevitable to be fearful when you are one of us. It’e what makes us supermom’s :-)

    Resting up is a great idea, whether from fear or just nesting – the more rest you can get the better so a Kindle is a great birthday gift.

    Hope your moments of peace come thick and fast.
    E

  • Happy Birthday. I’m hoping you have sweet little one to celebrate with next year!

  • Esperanza

    Happy birthday! I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time but I think it’s completely understandable. I was terrified about losing my daughter during my entire pregnancy. Even on the way to L&D I was worried something would go wrong. In this community we hear too many stories, we just can’t be naive about it. And you have your own experiences to make the fear so much worse. I hope very much you bring this baby home safe and sound.

    Abiding with you.

  • Anna

    Happy birthday! I’m glad that your husband and son were excited and I hope that you really enjoy your kindle as much as I do. The fear between the moments of confidence makes sense (in many ways I found pregnancy terrifying), whatever the odds, as does keeping things relatively small and quiet. We will all be out here willing you on, you are doing well (though I know RPL can make you feel like nothing you do could be enough).x

  • Happy Birthday! Aren’t little boys sweet sometimes? : )

    Having been where you are not so long ago, I really understand the feelings you’re expressing, and I know that there’s nothing that any of us can say that will completely ease your fears. I tried to focus on the fact that it was a YOUNG egg this time, and that I knew I was as healthy as I could be for my age. Beyond that, I tried really hard to just toss it up to the universe so my spirit could be light, but oh my word, it was hard. Try to remember to breathe. I found my prenatal yoga classes so helpful …

  • Happy Birthday! (My son turned two today, so we are celebrating here, too.)

    I read a post this morning that might be timely. I thought about sharing it in the round-up comments … it was so good and seemed like one to share. But I thought better of that. Funny coincidence that you should both write about this today … and I read you both. Synchronicity:

    http://blog.mindbodymama.com/2012/05/mind-body-mama-unknown-unknowns-i.html

    Hang in there. You’re doing great, even if the suspense feels far from it.

  • Happy Birthday!!!!!
    I so totally get the brief reassurance then recurrence of fear. I so get that.
    I hope this day brings you many, many good things. Sounds like you are off to a fine start.
    warmly,
    Kate

  • Sending you strength and hope on your birthday. xo

  • Tireegal

    Happy Birthday, my friend. Your tenderness and vulnerability are so understandable but that doesn’t make it easy I know. I hope your sweet son and husband will be able to keep you a little distracted:))

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