Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Raw

There are no two ways about it, being pregnant again is hard.  I’m not sure if it is my age or the cumulative effect of the struggle to get here, but I am frayed already.  Even if I mostly manage to keep my runaway DBTs in check, I feel physically and emotionally on edge nonetheless.  I am trying to behave like I imagine a normal pregnant woman would only that I know I am not her and I have no experience being her.  I try to accomplish things from my To Do list daily and keep up with our home and family life.  I mostly feel isolated, withdrawn, and fragile, like a participant in my life but not fully living it.  While I still believe that whatever is meant to happen will happen and I still mostly succeed at taking things one day at a time, the overall effect is that my mood is muted.

I am showing.  It may not be to the general public but anyone who has seen me regularly or followed my weight loss would notice that I am thicker around the middle.  I went to my god-daughter’s birthday party recently which was at a local dance studio.  I wore Bermuda shorts and a dressy tank top.  I caught glimpses of myself in the wrap around floor to ceiling mirrors and was surprised to see how I look.  It just makes me not want to be around people who aren’t in the know.

I ended up going out to a mom’s night with some of the preschool moms at my son’s school.  Interestingly, K did not invite me but another mom did.  When K found out that I’d be there, the texting began…how excited she was that I was going, did I want to carpool, blah blah blah.  Excited my ass since she wasn’t even the one who included me.  And, the following day, she was texting how good it was to see me, how glad she was I came, how she wants to have us over to swim, etc.  Whatever.  It is something that I will contend with eventually.

I’ve been asked to be part of a project my RE is embarking on.  I met with the director/producer today, and will be interviewed in two segments, one at home and one at the clinic interacting with my RE.  I’m touched to be asked and happy to be a part of something that has been part of my life for the last 8 years.  Since I happened to be at the clinic, we took another peek at baby who is right on track for growth and heart rate.   I was so excited to have my fears allayed again that I forgot to have him measure my cervix.  Lucky me, I have a perinatology appointment tomorrow and a new doctor will get to wand me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel raw, splayed open, on the verge.  I have been trying to figure out how to verbalize how I am feeling and it is like an overlapping braid of gratitude, humility, fear, love, palpable emotion, and hope.  I am moved to tears exponentially more easily than I already have been since my son was born.  I cried when my son broke a thicker board with a hatch kick in taekwondo today.  I cried watching the Adele special with Matt Lauer.  I cry when someone shows me a simple kindness or compliments me.  I cry when I think of all it took to get to this place.  I cry when I think that tomorrow is my son’s last day in preschool, that he’ll be a kindergartener come Fall.  I cry when I think of him at all, how much I love him and how excited he is going to be to learn this news and that while he made me a mother this child will make him a big brother.  I cry when I think of possible names.  I’m crying just writing this.  I have thick skin but it somehow feels transparent these days.

Yet, none of this is depressing or sad.  It is an alternate vulnerable state to be in but oh how lucky I am.  I still often feel like this is happening to someone else, this dream I’ve dreamed for so long.  I can be driving down the street thinking about wishing I were pregnant and remember that I am, that it is not just some vision I’ve conjured but that I am living it.  It is still sometimes hard to marry the reality with the wish that I’ve wished for so long.

Forgive me for sounding sappy or maudlin.  I can’t help it.

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion
That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble
Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret,
Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together”
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

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