Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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The struggle

The struggle. That’s how infertility is most often referred.  It is defined as “a task or goal requiring much effort to accomplish or achieve”.  And, at the root that’s what it is.  But beyond that, infertility is a thief, robbing you of many things: hope, money, time, pleasure, spontaneity, intimacy, normalcy, relationships.

The toll it takes on friendships (ironically on friendships with those both struggling themselves and not), especially, is quantifiable.   I am missing three friends today because of the struggle; two who struggled themselves (one who had success before I did and the other who may still be struggling) and one who had no intentions of having children.

Of course, the downfall can’t be blamed on the struggle alone.  For sure there were other factors and the struggle merely exacerbated them.  Regardless, there are three female friends (one dating back to college) that I would have defined as close, who I, quite simply, don’t know any more.  And there is a void, an emptiness, and a longing that I feel because of the loss. 

I often wish I could right things, make them somehow not have happened the way that they did.  But, given that I have many other friendships that withstood the rigors of my struggle, I have to believe that these were destined not to.  That these friends fulfilled the finite role they were to play in my life.  And, that while I miss them, and sometimes dearly, that is what I am supposed to do — miss them.   But, now, I am struggling with that, too.

7 comments to The struggle

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