Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




…am I going to keep the fear of losing this pregnancy at bay for the next 24+ weeks?

…am I going to one day at a time this when I really just want to fast forward to the end?

…am I going to live my life as normally as possible through the remainder of this summer, this year, trying to contain my daily worry of things going south?

…am I going to enjoy an active summer with my son, perhaps the first he will remember later in his life, when my inclination is to lie down or rest or stay off my feet?

…am I going to get past the PTSD surrounding having a cerclage placed when I would truly prefer not to?

…am I going to not give in to wanting to isolate myself, wrapping myself in the protective cocoon of my room?

…am I going to be present for my son during perhaps the last months that he will be an only child, when I am so distracted by just trying to will myself to stay pregnant?

…am I going to just let go and have fun and enjoy this pregnancy for what it is, my chance at completing our family?

…am I going to move from gratitude for this opportunity to enjoyment of the experience?

…am I going to stop focusing on all that could go wrong and just be content with all that is?

…am I going to go anywhere for any period of time without worrying about another bleeding episode?

…am I going to let go of the doubt that this could have a happy ending?

“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.”
~Khalil Gibran

9 comments to How…

  • Júlia Losano comentou em 15 de dezembro de 2010 às 15:46. Li quinze vezes o que a Vanessa Versiani escreveu e ainda não entendi… Oque tem a ver? [4] rsrsrsrs o que são pessoas sanguineas ou fltÃsuƒÂ¡eicam??? OoDeixa pra lá!!! Julia ficou linda de viver…Uma dúvida: o que vc acha de blush em creme e qual é a maneira correta de aplicar? Bjss

  • Rebecca

    Just popped in to see how you are doing. Noticed you hadn’t posted in a few days. Is it possible to just forgive yourself for feeling the anxiety and asking the questions? Just give yourself the freedom to be scared because of everything you’ve been through? Maybe forgiving yourself will ease the oppressive fear a little.

  • Those are such hard questions. I’ve been there and I get it. You can do this and will get through this. xoxo

  • Sarah

    Boy howdy, do I get those ‘hows’! Maybe try to think of your son remembering “this was what we did the summer we waited for my little sister/brother.

  • Tireegal

    It’s so hard! You are doing so well but of course it’s just excruciating:((
    I agree with what others have said.
    It’s hard not to be present for your son, I’m sure. So in between those moments of connection and real solid family life, maybe add some escapism. A trashy tv series – on demand on Netflix or sthg. Try getting into some fictitious characters’ super dramatic lives. Or not. If you need suggestions for series, I can help. I wish I could wave a magic wand. I think pregnancy for so many is an ordeal to get through. We have been sold a bill of goods in the shape of an idyllic pregnancy. It’s just not fair.
    Sending lots of love and strength your way! You can do it!!!

  • Meg

    One hug at a time for your self, your son, your husband.

  • You’ll do it by taking every moment as it comes, continuing to breathe through the ups and downs, and being as kind to yourself as you would with any friend of yours who is also dealing with this sort of stress.

    Hang in there. One step at a time, one moment at a time.


  • I agree 100% with Anna. Get through it however you can. Your son will understand (eventually!) that sometimes Mama can’t do everything you usually do, and this IS just a time to be gotten through–however you can get through it. Whether that means distracting walks and playing with your son, or whether that means watching a lot of tv/reading a lot of books to get through it. Thinking of you, and so impressed with how you’ve handled everything so far–I have no doubts that you’ll figure out your own answer to all these questions.

  • Anna

    So many hard questions, in a lot of cases I suppose you are already living the answer. To me pregnancy doesn’t have to be enjoyable, it is a process that gets you the thing you want, I always wanted mine to go well but it was ultimately something to just get through with both of us intact. It would be lovely to have a ‘nice’ pregnancy, but it’s not most important and it is transient.
    You are already doing most of the things that you want, you are mothering, you are living as normally as you can, feeling your fears and understanding them but getting on with life anyway. Ultimately, cocooning is ok, letting your son know that you need to do things differently for a while is ok. I think you will continue to worry, but that is something you can handle, you are already handling this. You just have to keep going. Pregnancy is a lot of work, physically and psychologically, for me the fun and the wonder comes later (with the parenting). You are doing wonderfully, look how far you have come.x

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