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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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15w1d, Cervical Check, and a Surprise

I went in for my weekly cervical check and was eager to meet the other MFM who does cerclage placement at Kaiser.  I missed meeting her at my NT scan and she had come very highly recommended by a lot of folks (Dr. C., who I was seeing, not so much (not that the reviews were negative, just that he was not as readily referred)).  I am so glad I met her because, not only was she smart and down to earth, but she was much more engaging and invested in a positive outcome even though she’d just met me.  It was clear she’d reviewed my medical records, including my pregnancy with my son, because she was also informed.

My cervical length was good (over 3.6 to 4.0 depending on the angle).  The placenta is still low lying, but she reiterated that she’d expect it to be at this gestation.  We discussed, at length, her opinion about cerclage placement.  She is actually not pro-cerclage.  However, she was clear that she also doesn’t dick around and that if my cervix got to be under 3cm and I was less than 22 weeks, she’d place the cerclage without hesitation (something I could never get the other doc to agree to.  He favored making a decision at less than 2.5cm but that decision still might not be to place one).

We also talked about progesterone support from 16 – 34w.  If one has had pre-term labor in their most recent prior pregnancy or has had a loss post 16w, the FDA has approved the use of progesterone as a way to ward off pre-term labor in a subsequent pregnancy.  However, when someone is in the grey area like I am (no prior pre-term labor, but cervical shortening), the jury is out as to whether there is a benefit to the addition of progesterone.  It is likely that there is no harm, but the degree to which it does any good in either strengthening the cervix or warding off pre-term labor is debatable.  She thinks it is something we should consider.

She was very happy with how my cervix responded (not only did she measure it abdominally and trans-vaginally, but she also did a bit of a stress test by palpating my abdomen thereby putting some pressure on the cervix to see how it behaved and it remained long and closed. Yay, cervix!

Overall, I felt she was more thorough, less ego involved, less likely to be looking at me as a feather in her “see? there was no need for a cerclage” cap.  So impressed with her was I that upon leaving I requested to have all my future appointments switched to her.  That was met with a raised eyebrow and an “are you sure?” from the nurse, but I was surely sure.  It was humorous that the nurse then said, “she books up pretty far in advance because her patients never switch”.  I took that as endorsement enough.

Prior to completing the exam, I mentioned that if she saw any ‘parts’ to please let me know.  Well, she didn’t have to tell me because it is clear to see that we are having a:BOY!

I will admit to a nanosecond of disappointment, not for myself, but for my husband and every other person who believed we were having a girl.  If you have followed this blog since its inception, you know that when we decided to adopt, we had a girl only specification.  I wrote back then that I had a nagging feeling that I was meant to mother boys and eventually we lifted the specification.  In fact, going back even before that, when we did PGD on the embryos from my son’s cycle, of our 10 embryos, we had 4 normals and all of them were boys.  I was disappointed then because I thought I always wanted to have a girl.  But, something about all of the normal embryos being boys was a tipping point for me and I believed then and since that I was meant to mother boys.

It hit me, like an unstoppable wave, as soon as I began walking to my car after my appointment.  I could not stop the tears of relief that it is a boy.  It took me some time to tease out why I was so relieved but I am clear.  The groundwork for the estrangement from my parents, especially my life-long difficult relationship with my mother, goes back to when I was a child.  She literally stopped parenting me after my brother died. Our relationship was further complicated by her inability to appropriately parent an adopted child. I was always made to feel that something was wrong with me and that it was my job to figure out how to fit in with her, how to have a relationship with her, how to communicate with her, etc. It was extremely difficult for me, especially as a child, because we in no way viewed the world or our place in it similarly. I might as well have been speaking pig Latin as she could in no way relate to me.

Not to generalize or get into a debate about gender differences between boys and girls, but I have long felt and believed that the difficulties between my mother and me were further compounded because I was a girl. I was a deep thinking, deep feeling, emotionally complex female. My mother happened to be anything but, and I needed a lot in terms of communication, reassurance, perspective, insight, way more than she was ever able to give me.

In the fuckedupness that was my difficult upbringing and into early adulthood and beyond, what fueled my tears of relief today was the single thought that a boy was less likely to grow up to hate me. Pure and simple. Of course, I cannot predict the future and I am not even looking that far ahead, but my sub-conscious sure is. I still carry around the pain of bearing the full responsibility for figuring out how to have a relationship with my mother. I equate that, if even only partially, with my being female. All of it, taken in concert, has programmed me to believe I am meant to mother boys, and therein the relief that this precious gift is one.

Yes, I know cognitively that I am not my mother and that I would have parented a girl beautifully and I would have likely been acutely aware of how NOT to parent her. However, that does not change the damage done to my psyche by my mother in making me feel more capable (and desirous) of mothering boys.

I just want to complete our family and carry this baby boy to term. I can’t wait to tell our son that he is going to have a little brother. I am trying to enjoy every day of this pregnancy while simultaneously willing it beyond the scary phase. I am fueled by the long held desire for this little one to be and look forward to connecting, bonding, and loving him through to his delivery and beyond.

“Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it.”
~Not Your Average Dictionary

10 comments to 15w1d, Cervical Check, and a Surprise

  • Tireegal

    Aw!!! What a lovely surprise!!! I get angry when I read about how your mom treated you. Great that despite all the fuckedupness your neural pathways are well developed and thriving. Humans are resilient but the pain is still pain.
    So happy about your new doctor. Not impressed with the other guy and his with holding of the cerclage. Fifteen weeks!! Woohoo!

  • Rebecca

    Congratulations! On all counts. As a mother of three boys (who cried in disappointment each time I heard the news), I can honestly say that my boys have a special relationship as brothers. They are their own little bro community. So sweet. And I agree that mothering boys has much less of the emotional drama than I see my friends dealing with as they mother girls. I am acutely aware of the girl stuff I am missing and I am sad about that, but I wouldn’t trade my lot.

  • Meg

    Great news. Glad you found a doctor that you trust. Boys are great!

  • Well, you totally blew my theory out of the water with the HR thing in a prior post – though actually, it was your doctor who did it. I’m so thrilled for you – a) that your cervix is still looking nice and long and the doctors are all prepared to do what’s best for you and the baby, and b) that you have a sense of relief that it’s a boy. I never pictured myself as anything other than a mother of boys, so I think if I were having a girl I’d be terrified. :)

    xoxo

  • Anna

    That is fantastic news about the Dr and should be reassuring and help you get through the rest of the pregnancy confident that you are getting the best care. And well done cervix! It’s lovely news that you are having a boy, a little brother. Telling your son should be amazing. Glad there’s so much good news,x

  • Good news are always welcome! Glas to hear about the great doctor. And boys are great, just like little girls must be (I have no idea though about girls, I am smootching another squishy newborn baby boy and loving every minute of it!).

  • Sounds like a positive day all around! Congratulations on your boy.

  • Yay and congrats! We wanted to adopt a girl for many of the same reasons as you mentioned, but to be honest, it is a much more complicated relationship than I ever envisioned. Not sure that mothers and daughters HAVE to have it so tough (I get along fabulously with my own mom), but that seems to be our story so far – and she’s only three. Glad to hear you are at peace with this gender outcome. I bet that beyond the Y chromosome, you’ll get to parent very different kids – a good thing! Congrats again!

  • Sarah

    Yay on all counts! I feel ya. Parenting with the ghosts in the nursury is hard, but same gender ghosts can be biggies. Congratulations!

  • Mo

    Yay for the great cervical check appointment. And yay for boys! For all the simple and much more complicated reasons.

    I am so, so happy for you!

    xo

    Mo

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