Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Visitors

On Edge, 15w6d

I had another cervical check today and really like Dr. F.  She comes to appointments prepared and has great recollection of past conversations. She is completely focused and engaged and I feel 100% like she is the best match for me.

My cervix is still looking good measuring between 3.06 and 3.84cm (depending on the angle and whether the measurement is conservative).  It still holds up to the stress test, so that is good, too.  I still have previa, which concerns me a bit, but there is still time for the placenta to move up (move up! move up!).

Baby boy is coming along well, too, measuring almost 11cm now.  His heart rate continues to be good and he was quite active today.

I had been holding up well, too, but as we move into this critical time, between now and 16w6d (when the wheels fell off last time) and now and 24 weeks, I feel myself slowly losing my grip on my emotions.  There is a constant undercurrent of stress.  I just have no other reference point, no concept of a vertical pregnancy, much less one without a cerclage.  I can rationalize this 18 ways to Sunday but it does not take away the near chronic knot I have in my stomach.  I can be moved to tears, you know panicked tears, if I let myself think too much about it.

Dr. F. continues to be pleased with what she sees but she knows that we are moving into the most critical time.  And, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I would be faring any better if I had had a cerclage placed.  In my mind, cerclage = bed rest, so I know I would have remanded myself to bed rest even if it wasn’t prescribed.

She brought up the subject of progesterone support again and asked if I’d thought about it.  She recounted a recent study re: the positive affects of progesterone support beginning at 16 weeks for women with prior pre-term labor.  She noted that while I didn’t have pre-term labor there is also at least anecdotal support that progesterone suppositories may help strengthen the cervix.  If that is true and if there doesn’t seem to be any harm to the fetus, both of which I believe, I agreed to start tomorrow.

In family estrangement news, I am trying my hardest to forestall having to reveal this pregnancy to my family.  We are now surrounded by the love of friends and my husband’s family who support and are invested in a positive outcome for us, without judgement.  I like this cocoon, for myself and my son.  However, I am showing.  Perhaps not enough that my aging, 70s-something uncle would notice, but there is no going back physically now.

My sister sent all of us (uncles/aunts/cousin/me) and email regarding my nephew’s upcoming 5th birthday party.  She practically commanded that we be there.  I originally deleted it with no intention of responding, however as the RSVPs from everyone else came in (and of course everyone else will be there!, they can’t wait!, and what can they bring?!), I felt that I had to at least acknowledge her invitation and send our regrets.  As everyone else had done, I hit ‘reply all’, and in one sentence conveyed that we wouldn’t be there but send our best wishes for a happy 5th birthday.  Within a half hour of hitting send, my home phone rang, and the audio caller ID announced that it was my mother calling.  The already present knot in my stomach tightened as it has been 7 months since she’s called here.  It is impossible to know what prompted her call.  Did my sister complain that once again we wouldn’t be at a family function?  Did someone share the news of my pregnancy with her?  She didn’t leave a message, so I’ll never know, but as I conveyed to a friend, I am now all of the sudden feeling vaguely hunted.

My MIL really wants me to share the news with my family via email.  She is very concerned that they might hear it from someone else and that that would make things worse for us.  As if they are bad, since not having contact has brought welcome relief.  I think she worries that my mom may reach out to her and that she might let it slip or that my mom might try to confirm what she hears through the grapevine with my MIL, thus putting her in a bad position.  As much as I might want to share the news with my uncle/aunt/cousin, I can’t do so without risking them telling my parents and thereby inviting that element back into my life at a critical time when I am trying to reduce my stress.  It may seem petty to those who are not estranged from their parents or can’t fathom being, but these last 7 months have been almost blissful in terms of me not having to be her target of blame.  Yes, there have been other costs, but I have gladly paid the price.  Until I must, I will not share the news.

Although I have held off as long as I could, trying to protect myself, I have to admit that I am in love with this little boy.  Without expectation, he has healed me and answered my long held and fought for dream.  He is part of me, like his brother was, and is already a part of this family.  I would go to any length to safely usher him into this world.  To steel myself against heart ache, I tried not to love him, to bond with or connect to him, but it is like a wave washing over me, the love I feel for him.  I am his mother.

“We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it.
But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday’s burden over again today,
and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.”
~John Newton

16 comments to On Edge, 15w6d

  • Hope things continue to go well, and don’t stress about sharing the news. They’ll find out when your feel like sharing. If its too stressful, just wait. No need to explain or apologize.

  • Hi from ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope things continue to progress well.

  • I just scanned over your history and I wanted to send you a big congrats on your babies. I would also recommend the P4 suppositories. Might as well take as many precautions as possible, right? As for your family drama, I don’t have any background from what I’ve read, but it sounds like you need to remain in your cocoon for now while you are pregnant. Added stress is not necessary for anyone. And while I can understand where your MIL is coming from, I think she can watch what she says should your mom call her and not divulge your news. It is YOUR news to share, should you wish to do so. Best of luck and I’ll be checking in.

  • Ren

    Hello from ICLW! I think it’s great that you really like Dr F and can trust her as you move into this critical time.

  • Hello from ICLW! Congratulations on your pregnancy!

  • Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope the previa issue resolves itself very soon.

    I absolutely agree with your stance on not telling your family about your pregnancy just yet. I hope that others in your life will understand and respect your decision.

    Best wishes,
    Jenny from Sprout

    ICLW #51

  • Hello from ICLW! Congrats on your pregnancy! It sounds like you are head-over-heels in love. What you wrote in that last paragraph was beautiful. I’m so happy for you and, while I know you are fearful, I hope you are taking the time to treasure every moment.

    P.S. I had placenta previa too. I can tell you more about it if you want details but to sum it all up: it worked out okay! Not perfectly, but it was still fine in the end. Many, many people have previa and it usually migrates as the pregnancy progresses so the odds are in your favor. Good luck!

  • Stopping in for ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I’m hoping everything goes incredibly well for you. As far as telling people, tell people when you are ready especially if you are estranged from them, the concern should be for yourself and your family not the people on the periphery.

  • Hi. I just found your blog via ICLW. My husband and I went through our fair share of struggles with our families during our wedding planning process. With our fertility struggle, we only shared with my Dad and his brother/sister-in-law in the beginning. Two years in now, we’ve started sharing more with our other family, but no one ever seems to understand. My own mother seems so distant and just doesn’t understand what I’m going through.
    I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in the sticky situation with the upcoming nephew’s birthday, but I hope they leave you alone. I hope that you can find the right way to tell your family about the pregnancy. I love you blog and look forward to following more of your journey! =)

  • I can’t imagine the daily stress and of course it only compounds the problem. I hope you’re able to start finding some peace in the coming weeks. Thinking of you and sending you some love from ICLW!

  • Here from ICLW

    Thinking of you- I’ve also estranged myself from my family. It was a tough decision, but I still feel it was the best choice. It’s been more than 2 years now, and they have no idea we’ve been through three m/c since we last talked. I also feel the sense of calm that comes from the cocoon- and for now, that is what is important in my life. Nothing great to add- just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

  • So I read this post yesterday and could have sworn I commented on it, but go figure…

    I am continuing to abide with you, your family and especially your baby boy and send thoughts and prayers all of your way.

    I also can appreciate having strained relations with loved ones. Since I blog publicly I choose not to be more specific. But I get how hard it can be, especially at a time like this for you.

    I applaud you for doing what you need to take of yourself/what works for you both physically and emotionally. Hang in there.

  • Congratulations on the pregnancy! So sorry I’m late in the congrats, but I have been feeling scared and anxious for you. The horrible thing about recurrent pregnancy losses is that when I learn of someone’s pregnancy I am terrified for them until they get past 12 weeks.

    Take it easy and relax. Meditate. Enjoy every moment.

    Thank you for your kind and helpful words before my surgery. I really did need the painkillers afterwards and I did try and get up and walk around. Both helped me recover. Thanks.

  • Meg

    Taking care of yourself and your loved and loving ones is most important now!
    You are the only one who knows how best to do that.
    Meg

  • So sorry about the family stress. I understand completely wanting some peace (especially at a time when peace is critical and you absolutely shouldn’t have to beg for it) … not wanting to be the lightening rod … wanting to step away from the wreckage … wanting to control your boundaries in self-defense.

    I also get showing the hand to the judgement of those who have never experienced toxic family dynamics. This sort of thing is not unlike infertility in some ways … socially invisible (you can’t talk to just anyone about it, nor would you really want to), wholly misunderstood by most of those who have never walked a mile in it, prone to a lack of sympathy and negative “why don’t you just _______?” throwaway assvice.

    My experience is that people who are marginally affected (not in the crosshairs of a toxic personality, but still in the orbit) tend to put unhelpful, unfair pressure on you, as your MIL may be doing (?) … as though it is your place, your purpose in life to absorb all the tension created by your toxic relative. It doesn’t help that toxic personality types are often all too adept at manipulating the family dynamics/social dynamics against you; they (very deliberately) don’t treat ~everyone~ even remotely as badly as they treat you, the chosen dumpster. It’s a tactic to isolate you and it totally distorts the perspective of everyone who is anyone around you. So people who ~should be~ supportive of you … don’t tend to ‘get it’ (furthermore some may even have personal baggage reasons to RESIST “Getting It”) … and many will preach “peace at any price” as a good philosophy (because, for one thing, they have never been asked to pay anything like that price themselves … imagination fail, empathy fail = what’s the biggie?). It’s the fine art of crazy-making.

    I understand this may not be representative your MIL’s view … she may have other, much more valid insights behind her suggestion that you get on with revealing your news.

    MIL may think just avoidance is by it’s definition a weak approach to any problem?

    Or … as we know here from personal experience … withholding information is always used by the toxic relative as “proof” that THEY, not you, are the injured party(something I know you already understand). Of course you know better, but those who are susceptible to manipulation by your mother will decide there is truth in that claim (more isolation for you). Your MIL may sense this and be coming from that angle?

    Another oldie-but-goodie that we’ve seen around these parts … one that kills me every time … MIL could be over-identifying with (the bully) your mother because they are the same generation, both grandmothers-to-be. And MIL herself cannot imagine being shut out of this happy time in your life — unthinkable grief to her (poor IIWII’s Mother!)! Which can lead to some (VERY) misplaced sympathy for the bad guy. Sometimes people understand your toxic relative is ‘difficult’, but they don’t grasp the full scale of the problem … and may think being cutting family off is too severe a ‘punishment’? Not true, but that’s the interpretation.

    I’m sure you know which of these, if any, apply.

    I don’t know all the variables re: MIL not wanting to be “put in the middle” … but ….

    #1 ~You~ are not putting anyone in the middle … your mother is suffering a logical if unfortunate consequence of the way she has treated you (Toxic people are amazing at avoiding logical consequences … the way vampires avoid daylight). The past is the best predictor of future behavior and you know ~exactly~ what you will be in for if you re-engage. Furthermore, if your mother were to have a sudden burst of insight about the error of her behaviors and attitudes, she could try communicating in a non-threatening way (pigs might also fly out of my butt) for starters. Given all the history and the chasm where trust should be … things might or might not improve. But that is about the only acceptable step-in-the-right direction on the table. If your MIL fears your mother making attempts to triangulate through her, you could point out to her that triangulation is a hallmark of your mother’s illness … it is ~not~ proof that ~you~ need to scramble to manage the fallout of her bad choices. If your mother’s illness could be managed, it would not have come to this state of affairs.

    Just as you wouldn’t pressure the victim of extreme bullying to ~make the bullies feel better~ … or to “fix” the dynamic … ~you~ are not the one who needs to be pressured here. It would be helpful if your MIL could understand that in order for you to “fix” this mess … you would need power and influence. But just like any bully’s favorite target, you have NO power in this situation; your mother will not allow that, has never allowed that. Bottom line: You mother is ill. Regular rules of relationship do not apply here. Repeat until MIL gets it. You are not trying to hurt your mother; you are protecting yourself and your immediate loved ones from someone who has given you reason to fear. I’m sure your doctors would back you up with gusto on this.

    #2 MIL is a big girl and she can step cheerfully-but-firmly away if approached. “We are thrilled for them and support them 100% (aren’t you?!). (shooting THE LOOK over the tops of her glasses) IIWII doesn’t need any extra pressure or stress at this time.” MIL needs to make it clear that she wants no part of joy-killing drama, including being put in (what MIL perceives as) an awkward position. “I’m truly sorry you have this problem, but I cannot help you with it. Perhaps you should consult an expert in these matters ….”

    Sorry this got so long; it’s helpful for me to review these points myself. Hang in there!

  • Regarding the progesterone suppositories, I wholeheartedly believe in them. I took them up until week 17, and I swear as soon as I stopped them I started having contractions when I was switched to a once a week PIO shot. Except I couldn’t get any doctor to believe me, specialist or not. Supposedly I could not be in labor before 19 weeks. Since it was my first pregnancy, and triplets, I doubted what my body was telling me, and though I put myself on bed rest, every medical professional thought I was crazy. And by the time they believed me, my water had broken with my daughter at 20 weeks. If I ever get pregnant again, I will get a cerclage, but I will also find a doc who will prescribe me those suppositories. If nothing more than for peace of mind.

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