Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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16w6d, Then and Now

It was exactly at this point in my pregnancy with my son, 16w6d, on 10/9/06, that my cervix shortened and funneled in a way that caused my perinatologist to remand me straight to the local hospital’s L&D, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, to have an emergency cerclage placed.  In fact, it was around this time, 8 in the evening on that October day, that I was given exactly one hour to pee on my own or they were going to admit me and keep me overnight.  It seems that the anesthesiologist gave me way too strong a spinal block and it took hours for sensation to return and hours more for my bladder to recover and begin functioning.  But, I did pee and I did go home that evening, to begin my 26 weeks of complete bed rest at home.

I admit to having had a really tough time these last three days.  On Sunday, I felt so many sensations, from the baby standing on or kicking my cervix, to a deep vaginal pulling sensation, to other vague but noticeable sensations, that I thought for sure it was my cervix shortening.  I was in an awful and careful mood on Sunday, and almost worked myself into a panic that the end was near.

I felt better yesterday but by today I could barely keep it together and spent most of the day in bed (except for the 101 things I did around the house, which included vacuuming the house just before sitting down to write this post).  I worry that EVERYTHING is causing my cervix to shorten:  bending over to pick up my son’s toys, bending to pull the laundry out of the dryer, going to the grocery store, unloading the groceries, loading/unloading the dishwasher, bending over to feed the dog, shaving my legs in the shower, and, most certainly, vacuuming the house.

I do not have adequate words to express how frightened I sometimes am.  It is not all the time, but it is a lot of the time.  I just cannot imagine getting through this pregnancy without a cerclage any more than I can imagine having one placed and living vertically.  It is SUCH a Catch-22.  Several times over the weekend and again yesterday, I thought about running to my fertility clinic for a quick ultrasound just to check my cervix.  I WILLED myself to NOT give into the fear and paranoia.

Tomorrow morning is my next cervical check and it can not come quickly enough.  It won’t surprise me if my cervix has shortened considerably.  However, if it hasn’t, then I have to come to terms that everything I’ve been feeling is normal pregnancy sensation and should the feelings recur it is not a signal that the end is near.

As I am typing this I am feeling baby boy kick.  This is so much earlier than I felt my son.  It is surprising and often catches me off guard.  It is wonderful, amazing actually, to feel him moving about in there (although feeling him moving about on my cervix is quite disconcerting!).

I don’t know how I am going to get through the remainder of this pregnancy.  I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
~John Allen Paulos

4 comments to 16w6d, Then and Now

  • Hi! Here from ICLW…well, kinda – I’ve been reading your blog for months but don’t think I’ve commented before! I love how you always have a quote at the end of each post :) Here’s to hoping you end up with a healthy, happy baby. All the best!

  • It’s been challenging for me to read blogs talking about pregnancy lately, but I continue to check in on you and think of you often. So glad you are getting that kicking. I still remember my son doing that so well, and it was my #1 comfort for so many months. Very much hoping this time passes quickly for you.

  • You will get through this pregnancy one day at a time. As far as I know, the cervix has no pain rceptors, so you shouldn’t feel anything happening to it. Feeling the baby move is wonderful, isn’t it? ;-)
    You have to have faith that you are doing your best to prevent any tragedy. You know you are. Can’t wait for the appointment result. Hang in. We are all rooting for you!

  • Anna

    What a great quotation, living with uncertainty and insecurity is so difficult. But you are doing it, you are getting through this, moment by moment. I am so glad that you and the baby boy are ok and hanging in there. The willing yourself not to give in to fear is draining and not an easy way of living but it’s what you need to do at the moment so well done. I am sending lots of good luck for the check, as you say, hopefully it will be useful one way or another. Keep up the desperately tiring good work, maybe if this moment passes and doesn’t echo your last pregnancy it will allow you more peace of mind (I don’t know if this is possible, I never managed this but if it’s possible you will),x

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