Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Wavering

We sent in the first half of the Phase 1 payment. I had a nice conversation with our caseworker. She sent out a welcome packet with many forms to complete, etc. She also sent some graphic designer referrals to help us with our profile (although at $500 – $600, we’re going to give it a go on our own). I felt relieved and excited. I even began to envision a birth mother choosing us and having a newborn in the house (and just typing that gives me a warm feeling). However, as I was mailing in that first questionnaire and payment, I did have the passing thought, “Maybe I should wait to send this in until we actually do our profile and send the whole payment in at once”. I ignored it in favor of going with, “Just mail the damn thing in and get into process already. Time is a wasting!”.

And now I am dogged by what I’m calling “buyer’s remorse”, as uncouth as that sounds. It likely has nothing to do with the money per se, just that in sending it in we’ve actually committed to this path. And, while I am relieved and void of any desire to be pregnant again (I really have come to terms with at least that much), maybe there is something still outstanding in the coming to terms with this path. Maybe there is some residual angst over this being the choice for us. Maybe it doesn’t feel so much like a choice as something we were forced into because all other options were dead ends.

We went to visit a friend in San Francisco and had a lovely time. We were finally free of all the infant gear that muddled us with every other trip we’ve taken as a family. As we were packing, I commented to my husband how easy it was not having to worry about diapers and wipes and stroller and bottles and baby food, and toys, etc. And it was. Yet, throughout our entire trip I couldn’t help but notice other families with multiple children and all their gear and what must have gone into the planning not to mention the expense (although, truth be told, an infant or toddler would be cost neutral since most places are free to kids under 3) and I tried putting myself in their position, traveling with a newborn/infant and our four year old son. And, I had more than pangs of worry about whether I was cut out for that; was I unselfish enough for that. And, while I enjoyed myself immensely and we had so much fun as a family, it all gave me pause.

The welcome packet arrived while we were away. I haven’t so much as opened it. I try to envision sitting down to write our profile, to even start it, and I lack the motivation. The thought of it nauseates me a bit. Do people hire ghost writers for these things? Someone to take down your life story and transpose it into an inviting profile?

I’m not sure what has besieged me. I’m not so much wavering between pregnancy and adoption but now and all of the sudden whether to have another at all. Has it finally dawned on me how easy life with one child is? But even so, is that ease what I really want? My son is his own person who is no longer dependent on me in the way that a newborn or infant or even toddler would be. I have free time and couple time with my husband. And we have ample family time. Arranging baby-sitting is easy, economical, and guilt-free. I can consider my next career. We are all getting enough uninterrupted sleep! We are enjoying our lives. But, still.

I can think all of the above and wonder if I’m willing to idealize it because it is finite, meaning, I can enjoy what I have now and not take it for granted knowing that it will eventually change with the addition of a newborn. If we don’t do this then what? It seems to me that regret is determined in hindsight. And, then, when would I know?

I’m trying not to look at it in absolute terms, but keep it somewhat fluid. This is the path we’ve chosen to make this hard fought dream a reality. And, if it doesn’t come to pass in a time frame that works for us, then perhaps we were meant to be a family of three. And if it does then we weren’t. It is all just steps in the direction we feel is right, now, and if it no longer feels right, then we are allowed to change course. But, even with all that consideration why am I still wavering?

5 comments to Wavering

  • Holy cow. Here I am again reading another of your posts and saying “there really is someone out there in the same place as me!!” I can’t tell you how much it means to know that I am not the only person thinking these same thoughts. How is it that we are so driven to complete our family, yet so ambivalent? My son is 7 now, and very independent… and all of a sudden I am lying awake at night wondering how adoption will change our family dynamic. It’s sheer insanity, isn’t it?

  • Rebecca

    I just happened upon your blog today and the subject is one that I’ve been dealing with…retrospectively. I have a 10 and a 7 year old. And a 22 month old. Many reasons we decided to do that last child so much later and they were all positive, healing reasons, and we love that kid so much our teeth grind when we see him after a long day. But we’ve said so many times over the last year that we would’ve been okay not having that third kid. There. I said it. This isn’t about him. It’s about us, about our life. We even mourn the things we can’t do with our older children b/c the toddler can’t do them (or we’re having to deal with toddler, etc etc). I know that it will get easier. The second year is always so tough. I also know that my older kids LOVE their little brother and that he keeps us all very close. I guess I just want to say that your anxieties are very real but also that the love you imagine is also real. It’s such a hard decision when you’ve finally found some kid freedom.

  • You may be waivering because the stakes are high. Whichever path you end up traveling means foregoing the other. And at this fork in the road, each path has desirable attributes. So, how to choose? Which is better? To change, or to remain as you are? (Can you tell I’ve had these same thoughts?) The only answer I can come up with is, whichever path you end up going down will likely be wonderful and fulfilling.

  • It’s the unknown, I think. I waver on my resolve for another child daily, truth be told. This very morning, in fact, I was thinking about how complicated our morning and evening routines are going to be if we do manage to bring home another baby.

    But had to stop THINKING about it because otherwise I’d talk myself out of it.

    I think it’s normal to start thinking about the reality of having a baby in the house. It’s unknown, and complicates things for sure.

    But the worries don’t take into account just how much love you’re going to have for that new person.

    At least, that’s what I’m telling myself right now.

    xoxo

  • I definitely look back on our life with one and realize that it WAS much easier. But I cannot imagine our lives without her now and I wouldn’t even want to. And I know that our lives will get easier again in the future. This newborn/infant phase will pass and be so worth it. Some of my friends tell me that it gets even easier with two because they entertain each other. I’m not there myself, but I’ll let you know. :)

    And I want your recipe for Huli Huli chicken and hope you enjoy the crockpot chicken tomorrow!

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