Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Trying Not to Freak the Fuck Out

Yes, that is exactly what I am trying not to do.  Today was my first bi-weekly cervical check.  It was the longest stretch I’ve gone without an appointment.  I am 24w5d.  While I never became complacent, I had become used to cervical stability.  Instead of one week, I began thinking in two week increments.  That all changed today.

I had my MFM appointment and prior to doing an ultrasound, we were talking about Dr. F’s holiday schedule and that she would be working on 12/26 so that is when we would schedule my c-section.  We talked, generally, about when we would start doing the fFN test for peace of mind.  She described the test, a scraping of cervical cells, and that we would start doing it with my next appointment.  And, that in order for the test to be accurate, I needed to stop progesterone 24 hrs prior to my appointment and it had to be performed prior to the transvaginal ultrasound (can’t have ultrasound gel interfering).

She did an abdominal ultrasound first, to check baby.  All looked good with him and I did manage to finally get a good facial image where he looked more human than alien.  From above, it looked like my cervix was around 3.1 cm.  However, the transvaginal ultrasound revealed that two things had changed: first, the ‘best’ cervical length was now 2.71cm and there was ‘beaking’ present at the internal OS.  Beaking is akin to funneling but somewhat less worrisome (as if that it even possible).

Dr. F remained calm and I didn’t register any concern which matched what she was saying, that anything above 2.5cm was considering ‘normal’ and, that, even the beaking itself wasn’t cause for alarm, that, in fact, women have both beaking and 2.0 cm cervical lengths and go to term all the time.

She must have noted that my demeanor had completely changed as she began trying to calm me by saying that, even though, this represented a change for me, she would still consider this completely normal and would not prescribe anything different.  That said, she wants to see me back in one week instead of two, we will do the fFN test prior to the transvaginal ultrasound, and if either the fFN test is positive OR my cervical length is under 2.5 cm, we will administer 2 doses of steroid injections 24 hours apart.

I have somehow managed not to fall apart, although I have cried a couple of times.  Even though she did not recommend any modification to my behavior, you can bet that I remanded myself to bed just as soon as I got home.  I spoke with my husband and we agreed that, for my sanity and for any good it might do, we needed to make some adjustments at home.  I will stop running errands like a mad woman; I will stop vacuuming and cleaning the house like I am wont to do, and he will have to pick up the slack.  I may start ordering groceries to be delivered.  I may stock up on flash frozen prepared meals.

So, here I am.  In an instant, all thoughts that I would make it to a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks have disappeared.  All plans for an early November baby shower seem grandiose.  Any plans that I may have started to formulate regarding decorating the nursery have vanished.  I am steeling myself and I can’t help it.  While not in a panic, yet, a take home baby no longer feels guaranteed.

I am clinging to the things I do have going for me.  I am not working which means that I can rest during the day while my son is at school.  His school offers extended care so if we had to, he could stay at school until 5:30 when my husband could pick him up.  Given that I went to term with my son means that my chances of pre-term labor with this pregnancy are around 4%.  And, a cursory review of Dr. Google shows that there is a natural shortening of the cervix which begins around 24-26 weeks of pregnancy.  And, since anatomically, my cervix is a bit shorter than others, this degree of shortening is relative.

Be all that as it may, I am on the verge of freaking the fuck out.  I know that panicking now is not helpful.  I know that all I can do is get through one day at a time.  I know, I know, I know.  But, I’ve been around the block.  I’ve watched hundreds, maybe more, of pregnancies unfold.  It is hard to believe in a positive outcome.

I am going to try to focus on getting to my next appointment on Monday.  I am going try to set my sights on 28 weeks.  In my current state, it is hard to believe I’ll achieve either, but it’s still early, I’ve just gotten home from the doctor, I am still processing.  I feel very much like all bests are off.

For now, I’ll ask for your support and good thoughts for things to remain stable.  It’s my deep and profound hope, too.

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.
~Abraham Lincoln

12 comments to Trying Not to Freak the Fuck Out

  • Positive thoughts that this little one keeps cooking for as long as possible. (((hugs)))

  • Sarah

    (((((((hugs))))))))

  • Kathy

    Delurking to send positive thoughts your way! Follow the list of strategies you have outlined to help you rest, rest, rest! You have a plan! You will make it!

  • I can’t say much more than Anna did. Let me echo her thoughts: your doctors are not panicking and your son is fine. And still inside. Rest, make changes, keep breathing. You can do it.

    Abiding with you while you get through the hours, days, weeks.

    xoxo

  • Meg

    Stay calm, and rock on! You can and will make your goals.

  • Anna

    You are in my thoughts and I am sending you calm best wishes. This will be fine and you will get through it, this caught you on the back foot but the Drs are not panicking and your baby is fine. It makes sense to rest and make those changes and to focus on the short-term but you can do this. You have headed on through anxiety and fear and plenty of difficult situations, you will get through this, inch by inch. You’re doing everything you can do, keep up the good work,x

  • Thinking of you and sending you all the best in the world. May your worst fears remain just fears and you get to enjoy the much more pleasant reality of having a c-section when the baby is full term.

  • Sending positive thoughts your way that all will be well. Do what feels best for your sanity, rest up and take it easy.

  • Thinking all good thoughts for you! You’re doing so great – just keep taking it one long slow relaxing breath at a time…

  • Tireegal

    You are going to get through this. One week at a time. One cervix check at a time. Please retire to your chaise longue and stay there as much as you can. If that helps you feel like you are making a positive difference to the baby’s length of stay, then please rest up. I wish I could make this all go perfectly. It sounds like it could just be normal 24-26 week shortening like you said. I’m going with that theory. Big mighty hugs to you:)

  • Erin

    Keep on baking little baby. Delurking to send good thoughts your way.

  • Peg

    Good thoughts of calm and hope sent your way!’

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