Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

Archives

Visitors

Stuck

I still have not opened the welcome packet from the adoption agency.

As I’ve been thinking about why things have stalled, to some degree it hinges on our profile/birth mother letter. I do much better in the driver’s seat of life. I am a better picker than a pickee (go ahead, ask my husband). And I think that has hung me up (in fact I know it has because it was one of the reasons we didn’t choose to adopt from the outset). The idea of this process requiring us to be picked. I have seen and read countless profiles of couples who successfully adopted. Almost all of them were couples with no children. There is something organic and consistent about these profiles and that is the desire to start a family. I have read one, where the couple had two boys and was looking to add a girl to their family but after two years, they did not have success and decided not to continue to wait. Given that we have one child, I wonder how to frame things in a way that would make a birth mother receptive to the idea of her child being the second child in a family.

So, how does one begin a profile, the sole purpose of which is to get the attention of a prospective birth mother so that she selects you? I can’t seem to get into a frame of mind to start it, let alone compile all the pictures and salient reasons that we would be suitable to parent another child, her child.

We lost a family friend this morning, our son’s god-father’s father. He was in his sixties, went out for a leisurely motorcycle ride on Saturday morning (as he was known to do), and suffered a stroke while riding. The stoke (and subsequent ones) and the extent of his injuries were just too much for him to recover from. Our friend has two young sons and has the heartbreaking task of explaining to them why they won’t see their beloved grandpa again. That thought alone makes me cry.

His death, sudden and tragic as it is, reminds me of a thought that has been lingering in my consciousness for some time: we have but this one life. No matter how we were raised or what we have done as adults, each day that we wake is ours for the living. We string the days together, one after another, to create our experience of life. So, I think to myself, what’s it going to be? Is the quagmire of this process going to be the un-doing of the dream? Am I going to believe that some dreams aren’t meant to be realized? Do I not want another child badly enough to endure the process? Or, am I going to finish what I set out to do, put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), gather my thoughts and photos and assemble them in a way that a woman who has found herself pregnant and unable to parent, will select us to raise her child, thus allowing us to complete our family, and get on with it already. And, which would I possibly regret, acting or not acting?

So, as I sit here, on our back porch, on a mildly warm afternoon, with a soft wind rustling the leaves of our 200 ft liquidambar tree, fans whirling above my head, my son trying his hardest to nap, our dog bounding in and out, I am two things: grateful and stuck.

10 comments to Stuck

  • Have you ever thought about creating an ebook or guest authoring on other websites?
    I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and would
    love to have you share some stories/information. I know my readers
    would appreciate your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e mail.

  • I felt stuck when we decided to adopt. I did not ahve to make a profile b/c we did international but adoption felt very daunting to me. There were so many things to consider- agency, country, MONEY. I hope with time you get unstuck. Wishing you the best.

  • Wow. I could have written this post myself. My husband and I have a son, and we are headlong into our homestudy for domestic adoption. I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve had wondering if I am setting myself up for more rejection and disappointment (my infertility record is long and tragic). Our social worker noted that having a child already is a good thing, but it doesn’t prevent me from worrying myself sick. Actually, everything about the process makes me nervous. :-) Ironically, the last item we have to finish is the profile sometime in the next two weeks. Which I think will be the hardest. Glad I found you, and will be following your journey.

    • iiwii

      Shelli, congrats on being so far down the road and I hope it brings you the child you were meant to have. Of all the things I’m struggling with surrounding this, the biggest is self doubt: Am I cut out to be a mother of two after all; can I weather this process for the opportunity to have another; is this really what I want now? Moreover, I’m struggling with how did I get to this place from the place of trying so hard to have #2? And, did time give me a different perspective?
      I am heading to your blog now :)

  • Here from the roundup…

    We adopted in 07…and while we were childless at the time, we were actually turned down a number of times because we DID NOT have children already. There were some who wanted the guarantee of siblings, and some who I think wanted to preserve birth-order (who had other children already), and then some who I think wanted to know that you had experience. So I think that it can work both ways….don’t overthink it because you just never know what someone who’s looking will be thinking.

    Good luck!

  • The birth mother letter is the one thing I am really dreading. It’s all marketing and selling yourself and I feel weird about it, plus it’s out of my control — much like infertility. I’ve just started researching open adoption and have stumbled upon some birth mother letters online and this has helped me feel that we can do a letter too.

    A book I’m currently reading, “You Can Adopt” by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley, offers some tips for birth mother letters. IMHO, the best tip they offer is to “accurately represent yourselves and avoid playing to your audience….One birth mother might want her baby to be the couple’s first, while another might want the baby to have older siblings…simply be truthful about who you are and what your lives are about.” The book is an awesome reference and includes sidebars from adoptive parents and their experiences thanks to “Adoptive Families” magazine (www.adoptivefamilies.com).

    Don’t give up. Give youself time. Research birth mother letters/profiles online and check out what other families have done and it may give you inspiration for your own letter/profile.

  • I feel you! I know that having to be picked was a huge turn off for me, but for different reasons, like being gay, living in a tiny house, not being that typical couple that I think we fantasize that all birth moms want.
    I did go to a couple of seminars at adoption agencies and remember hearing the social workers at those agencies saying that birth moms choose adoptive parents for the strangest reasons, and it’s so unpredictable and random that you really can’t tailor your profile in the hopes you will snag someone by being just what they want. Also I have heard that people who already have a child have some cachet -no, it’s not the same as the new, never been a parent before, please pick us adoptive family, but some birth moms want to know you know how to be a parent already. And that their baby is going to be part of your fun and complete family.
    I am sorry you are stuck! I think I am kind of rooting for you to do it, so I am totally biased, but I think if you just try it and give it a start, the first draft does not have to be perfect and neither do you! good luck! thinking of you ((hugs))

  • Here from the lushary.

    I can imagine why that’s hard. One of the reasons that I’m leaning toward DE is that it’s just so hard for me to imagine a mother choosing us to parent her child, given that we have a bio kid. Rationally, I can see that some people might be happy that their child will have a sibling, but it’s still really hard to imagine someone picking us.

    Good luck getting past this roadblock.

  • I hope you find your way. I am sure you will figure out what is right for you sooner or later. On the other hand, practicing patience can difficult!

    Great post! Here from the lushary!

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