My reaction to my shortening cervix is proving much harder to control than I expected. Trying to be OK with living my life, while taking it easy when I can, is almost impossible for me to do. And, when I have evenings like last night, when this baby’s movements were all reverberating at/on/around my cervix, I was seriously freaked out to the point of near panic.
Here’s the thing, I know how fortunate I am to have achieved pregnancy through donated embryos. As any couple who has hoped to find suitable donated embryos can attest, they are very hard to come by, harder even now than I when I first approached my RE almost a year ago. And, given how bleak things looked at transfer, when none of the three embryos had developed 18 hours after being thawed, it is even more remarkable I know that this is it for me, for my family. We have been through so much, waged a battle that still sometimes surprises me, went to lengths well beyond the line I’d drawn in the sand, and now have this chance to complete our family with this little one thriving within.
But, really, it is only that, a chance and not a guarantee. And that is why I am struggling so. I worry, ‘will today be the day that my water breaks?’ This is such a hard place to be in. I’ve been around too long, witnessed the heart break of others, wished and hoped that that wouldn’t happen to me, to us. Having been at this for almost 10 years has given me direct insight into what can happen. There is no ignorance.
I am at constant odds with myself, almost simultaneously thinking that everything is going to be OK and that there is no way that it will be. When I was on bed rest with my son, I had very strict orders and a very narrow margin of activity to work within. Even though I worried then, too, I think I also believed that if I adhered to doctor’s orders, everything would be OK. But now, adhering to doctor’s orders seems counter intuitive and probably because of my prolonged bed rest experience with my son. This is seemingly the opposite of that.
My son is in school until late afternoon today and I made no plans but to get to the lab to have my thyroid levels drawn, which I did earlier. I can’t say that it makes me feel any better to lie around in bed, although it does help alleviate any lower abdominal pressure for the time I am flat. And, baby boy seems to be cooperating a bit and switched positions from last night so his movements aren’t as disconcerting.
But it is hard, and every decision is a head trip. My baby shower invitations went out and I worried about jinxing this pregnancy. I ordered crib sheets and picked a nursery theme, but hesitate ordering the coordinating monogrammed pillow, because, you know. There is a heaviness that hangs around me that stems from the hyper vigilance to every movement, every pulling, every bit of pressure I feel. It is exhausting and emotionally depleting.
One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time…
“You have power over your mind – not outside events.
Realize this, and you will find strength.”