Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Preparing (Gulp!) + First (& Only Belly Shot (So Far))

It is saddens me deeply the myriad ways that infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss robs us of the joys of being pregnant.  One of the profound and specific ways it has affected me is in my resistance to doing anything that would suggest that I expect to have a live, take home baby at the end of this pregnancy.  I have had my head in the sand with regard to doing what needs to be done at home.  But, life eventually demands that I acknowledge that this may turn out OK if only to alleviate the stress from not doing anything.

Given my due date coinciding with the holidays, my baby shower will be earlier than most (when I am 31 weeks).  Because of that, the invitations had to go out, and last week they did.  I hadn’t planned on creating a registry, because, one, we were gifted a lot of gear from a friend whose son is almost one and, two, we saved some critical things from my son’s infancy.  And, it seemed indulgent to create a registry when I really just want to see and spend time with those who are excited to celebrate the culmination of this long journey in advance of the arrival of our second son.  But, it seems that guests have become reliant on registries and many freaked the fuck out that I didn’t have one, so, I acquiesced and created one.  The calendaring of the shower, the sending of the invitations, and the creation of a registry have seriously given me agita.   It seems like a whole lot of tempting fate, which I know it shouldn’t, but it does.

My husband’s company has been in the process of moving for the last couple of months (moving department by department over, week by week).  The last of the group moved up on Thursday/Friday at the same time we were hit by a freak thunderstorm that brought hail and excessive rain with it (2″ in an hour).  His new building was hit by lightning, wiping out all of their technology (my husband is in IT).  So, in addition to the long days he’s been working for weeks, he has also had to work partial weekends, this one included.  It has made preparing our home for the eventual arrival of this baby very difficult (it’s just not something I can undertake on my own).

He was home today, so, in addition to pulling out and putting up our Halloween decor, we also pulled boxes of china and crystal out of the front closet (to be otherwise known as the nursery) that had been packed away from our move  so that we can unpack them into the sideboard where they belong.  We pulled my son’s bassinet out of garage storage, along with his Snap n’ Go (to make sure that the new carrier still works with it (it does!)).  We tracked down the various pieces to my son’s crib so that we can eventually set it up and, since my son has graduated to a high back booster, we washed the car seat covers so his two convertible car seats can be packed away.

It was a lot for one day and I did require a late afternoon nap.  It is all so emotionally overwhelming but there is no way to not prepare.  I now know from experience that really this baby will only need scant clothing, boobs, diapers and wipes for his first few weeks of life.  But, I also know that post c-section is no time to be running around to pick up this and that.  It is impossible for the joy to not creep in as I look at some of my first son’s things and know that this baby will enjoy them, too.  What a great gift it is to be able to do this again and with some of the very things that enveloped our son in his early months.

But, the worry is always there, maybe more at the edges than it once was, but present nonetheless.  The whole notion that doing this or that might jinx this is so illogical that I can barely stand to admit that I am victim to it, but I am.  Do you know that an old friend made me a fertility bracelet (shown in the below picture) that I have worn through all of my cycles in our attempt for #2 including this last FET and, even though I would like to free my wrist, I am afraid to take it off now?

It is a delicate balance, hope and fear, one that is sometimes as hard now as it was in the beginning.  Yet, hear I am, here we are, one day at a timing it.

10 comments to Preparing (Gulp!) + First (& Only Belly Shot (So Far))

  • Jen

    Awww! What a great shot. Loved that took that picture and shared it with all your readers too. I have a fertility bracelt too that I put on the first day of this cycle. I can’t wait to take it off, but am afraid to until everything is over so I totally get it!

  • Hi, I’m trying to visit a new blog every day for the next few weeks, and today you’re my new visit! I came over from Pioneer Woman. Looks like exciting times in your life right now. Blessings to your and your baby!!

  • So proud of you trying to maintain that balance between hope and fear. One day, one hour, one step at a time. You can do this! Love the belly shot and that is a super cute shirt!

  • Kim

    When I had my first baby I had a really hard time with the showers. It felt to weird. “My husband and I had sex so now could you give us presents?” I got over it, mostly, when I saw all the great stuff I didn’t have to buy! How you get showers of good things from your baby shower!

  • Hurrah for a belly shot!!! You look great (and love the shirt, btw!)

    I don’t have the words to tell you how much I understand the idea of tempting fate. I struggled with that with Lucky, and now, this early, I feel the same way – I can’t bring myself to post a due date on my own blog until I know for sure that the embryo still has a beating heart. I have told a handful of people IRL, and those are the people I would rely on if (when?) this all goes to shit.

    Anyway. Long way of agreeing. Well done with the registry and getting organized for this baby. Because, yes, the more time that ticks by, the more likely you will bring home a real, live baby. :)

    xoxo

  • Awww, what a great picture (I love your shirt, too). Yeah, it makes me sorta sad recalling the way it felt packing away my son’s baby stuff, box by box, as he grew — doubting we’d be lucky enough to ever use the stuff again. Assuming this pregnancy lasts, I almost feel scared to revisit those things and those feelings. Hoping that having a girl would mean lots of new onesies and stuff (though technically I now know how little a newborn really needs, stuff-wise).

    Good luck with the continued preparations!

  • Anna

    Hurrah for you in that picture, thank you. And well done on the registry and the planning. A lot of us know that ‘tempting fate’ type feeling, even when we don’t believe in fate. You’re getting through it, being pregnant doesn’t need to be fun, it’s the building of a person most importantly and your person is there (in the photo!). You are doing so well, coming up to 29 weeks! I can see that your husband’s job complications and looking after your son mean that even if you wanted to do lots of prep there’s a tension there. I hope that things calm down for your husband so you can spend some time managing the prep together. I’m glad you can share your son’s first things, it must be a special thing.x

  • You look great!!! thanks for being brave and giving your fans a belly shot! It really really sounds so hard. You are being so brave. It must be hard with your husband working so much. I am so looking forward to seeing pics of you and the baby in the nursery. I know it must seem surreal and far off. I am glad you are having a shower. I hope it is some kind of fun and your people nurture you and give you a lovely experience.

  • Yay, a belly shot! And I know exactly what you mean. I tried so hard to believe during my pregnancy, but I held my breath the whole time and didn’t exhale until they handed me my squalling daughter. I was glad that we did the shower, registry, etc. in hindsight. At the time it was terrifying.

  • Jen

    I love the belly :) It is so hard to do this when you have the knowledge you do. You are doing a great job. :)

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