Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Teasing it out

The thought has crossed my mind before and is on my mind again that perhaps I need therapy to help tease this out. I have both my BA and MA in psychology and have gone to therapy at different points in my life to help untangle thoughts and feelings usually around a particular life event that had become out of my control to manage. I just can’t get to the crux of why I am paralyzed to move forward and now questioning whether we really should. Here are my competing thoughts (having submitted that first questionnaire and payment and feeling so committed and gung-ho initially):

1. My mother said some cutting things about us adopting that got under my skin (and in my head).
2. While I can envision a newborn in our family, I cannot get past the adoption process
to get there. I see the end, just not the means to it.
3. I absolutely, categorically do not want to be pregnant again. I know in my heart and believe
with my mind that it is not our path to having another child.
4. I can’t reconcile just how much effort we put toward having another, how on the same page
we were in doing repeated IVFs and the donor cycle, and how now we may not do anything.
In what other area of one’s life would one put gobs of money toward something and walk away
with nothing? So, I spend a lot of time thinking about how much we wanted this all along while
giving credence to the notion that with time comes wisdom and maybe as I sit here,
three years older, a decision that may have been right (to have #2) back then, can not be right
now.
5. Everyone who loves me knows how hard we’ve tried to make this a reality. And, while it’s not
about letting them down, I don’t want to be the poster child for “they just couldn’t try any more”
or, “gosh, it’s too bad, you know how hard they tried”.
6. I have never changed course as dramatically as this change would be…to decide now not to
adopt or even have another child. I don’t have it in my tool box to cope with NOT achieving something I’ve set out to do.
7. I have some fear for my marriage. I belong to a couple adoption boards and it comes up over and
over again how marriages don’t survive. In a lot of cases I suspect the marriage was already in
trouble and the addition of another child was the tipping point. But I know my husband would be
content remaining a family of three (now that we are here, after all the effort) and that perhaps
to some degree, he wants to do the right thing in finishing what we started, but to another
degree, I know he doesn’t want our marriage to end if we don’t do this.
8. In sales there is a saying, “time kills all deals”. At the end of the day, has that what’s happened?

When I started this blog I never intended for it to be a never ending gripe-fest. I feel like such a whiner, and wishy-washy, and so fucking indecisive. Even considering that this is my life, our lives, and giving appropriate weight to this weighty decision, I cannot fathom the inertia. It has seemed to me, that with all my other major life decisions, that after all my careful and copious research and seeking the counsel of those who know, love, and support me unconditionally, that I would have an answer. That through the discovery process and my due diligence (because, let’s face it, when one can’t just have sex to make a baby there is a process) the path would reveal itself. So, why hasn’t it? Am I not looking at this the right way? Has some glaring fact, obvious to everyone but invisible to me, been overlooked? WTF? Seriously, wtf!

5 comments to Teasing it out

  • […] My very marriage felt in jeopardy if we didn’t get on the same page.  Anyway, it was this post and the comment from Orodemniades at Birch and Maple which I read, then, as “what are you […]

  • Hi – it sounds so hard! I wish I could help you figure it out.
    It sounds like time and contemplation are what you need, maybe with a therapist – the couples idea is good, esp as you are so aware of how this could impact your marriage.
    I don’t have any wise words- but I am thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes.

  • Hi m,
    thank you for the sweet comment on my blog.

    As I read your recent post, I was struck by the familiar feeling of NOT opening the welcome packet. I got one, and I did not open it either. I kept waiting and finally realized i was not ready to move forward on that option beyond the step of information gathering. The process was too daunting for me and for us. It was as if opening that package was too much of a declaration of intention for me. I am NOT saying it is the same for you, but your post made me remember that moment with clarity. So many people will say so many things, you may just be getting too much input- when what you might need is time.
    I have found that clarity is hard to achieve in the midst of a cacophony of loud well meaning voices.

    the other thing that struck me is you desire to have and maintain a strong partnership in spite of all of this bullshit and hardship- and that is so brave to even acknowledge.

    therapy has saved my butt on many occasions. Sometimes just by allowing myself space to see how I feel, and to hear what I say.

    no matter what, i wish you peace and clarity about whatever is next for you.

    thank you again for your kind support, it matters such much, these voices in the wilderness.

    thank you thank you
    Kate

  • I always think that therapy is a good idea–maybe some couples therapy? All of it (both of us in ind and couples tx) was key to us getting where we are in tact.

  • Are you afraid that the adoption will fail? Or are you afraid it will succeed?

    Or is this really all about control – and the lack thereof?

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