Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




Yesterday’s flush finally went away around 10PM last night.  I got very little sleep last night (2.5 hrs from 10-12:30 and another hour from 5-6) even after feeling as badly as I did all day and not getting a nap.  I am beyond exhausted now and hope to eat lunch and sleep.  Instead of the same flush today from yesterday’s injection, I had night sweats and now I have the flush on isolated parts of my body (I am 24 hours since yesterday’s injection).  The injection was in my left side and the flush is on my right side today (my right upper arm, the top of my right shin and thigh, the right side of my chest).  Odd, odd, odd.  And, I opted not to take the Benadryl because, honestly, I knew it would also put baby to sleep and I didn’t want the added stress of not being able to feel him move all day.

I am worried enough about how things might progress that I feel like I’m in a state of suspended animation.  Even though I did a shower registry (and gifts have been purchased from it and are arriving), and even though I bought crib bedding and decor for his nursery, I am afraid, now, to move forward with any other purchases (there is a rug I need to order but can’t seem to, and a custom piece of art work which features a family of birds on a wire that corresponds to the number of people in your family, which I am also afraid to order).  The idea of setting up a nursery and not having a baby to bring home to it is overwhelming.  And, while I know the odds of survival improve every day, fear is an insidious partner.

I feel weak like I did yesterday which is likely adding to my malaise.  I will feel abundantly better to make it to Tuesday’s MFM appointment.  I can’t even fathom making it to my shower (I will be 31.5w then), but that is absolutely my next goal.  Even if the fFN test is still positive, by my cervix is stable, I will be slightly more confident that I may make it to 32 weeks.  I don’t know, there really isn’t a science to this.

As much as I do not want him to be born prematurely, the added stress of not knowing what might happen or when is weighing on me.  There is something about the predictability of a planned c-section that brings me great relief so to have the opposite scenario hanging out there (my water breaking and rushing to the hospital for an emergency c-section) really scares me.  I know that most women who have natural deliveries face the same uncertainty but the added component of possible prematurity greatly unnerves me.

“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.”
~Mao Tse-Tung

17 comments to Suspended

  • I just read your last few posts/got up to speed on what’s going on. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you are handling this as well as possible and that you and your baby boy are in good hands. One day, one hour, one step at a time. Hang in there! You can do this! xoxo

  • Hang in there!! It’s scary to just trust your body to take care of things as they will, but good things are coming.

  • Just finished ‘Where We Belong’ — thank you for that recco! It entertained me through a whole bed-rest day. Been thinking about you lots, and hoping you and the baby are doing well this week.

  • Hello from ICLW! I hope you’re feeling better today. I can understand why you’re worried, but it sounds like you’re being monitored well, which is reassuring. Also, I love your countdown … can’t wait to read headlines about what else is going on in the world ….

  • Sarah

    Just stoping by to say hello and let you know I’m thinking of you

  • Tireegal

    I agree with the PP. who said lots of sleep and good food could help. I know it really helped me with my PPD, when I felt out of control and helpless. I also say, don’t worry about ordering stuff for the nursery just now. I was able to get lots of ordering done while breastfeeding ( on my phone ) – but probly you can do it on the pad.
    You are a hero with all you are going through. It’s an exhausting mind game. ((. Hugs))

  • Hello from ICLW! Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly!

  • Every day helps. You have no control over whether or not he comes. Find your mantra, keep breathing, and hang in there, sweetie.

    Thinking of you always.


  • I found you through ICLW. This has got to be one of the roughest parts of infertility, the not knowing until the child is born whether or not it will be a take home baby. Really hoping that all will go well for you.

  • Hi from ICLW, I hope you’re able to get some more rest, feel better, and keep dealing with things.

  • Heather

    Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  • Lisa

    Hi from ICLW (#27)! I hope you are getting lots of rest. Also hoping that things calm down a bit for you. BTW–I LOVE your election countdown! I am so sick of those stupid ads.

  • Meg

    I am amazed at how you are coping. Sending calm thoughts your way.

  • Anna

    Rest is definitely key, even if you don’t sleep. Rest, then food. I hope that your feelings of fear stay managable, I am sure that they will get back in line when things settle or just through time. I understand not ordering the nursery stuff, could you just give yourself permission not to order them for now and then let somebody else do it later on? You could always do the finishing touches later on.
    Suspension could describe a lot about pregnancy, it is indeed a strange time and awe-inspiring and very frightening. I hope that you can get some rest before your appointment and that it comes soon and helps to bring some peace. x

  • You’ve done such a fantastic job getting him this far! It’s got to be so scary, but one day at a time, one hour at a time, you’ll bring him home safely. I believe this.

    It’s so hard, but do try to rest and sleep as much as you can. I know my anxieties are always intensified when I’m sleep-deprived, and no matter what happens (including full-term birth), you’ll both get through it better if you’re well-rested.

  • Sarah

    Of course! It’s terrible to be so scared, and to feel so utterly out of control. Are you staying hydrated? Can you take Claritin? I did and it wasn’t so debilitating. You and baby boy are in my thoughts!

  • Nothing like a pregnancy to remind you how strange and miraculous and frightening the human body can be. I hope you are able to get some rest and some time between and all the scary stuff you’ve been through this week.

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