Yesterday’s flush finally went away around 10PM last night. I got very little sleep last night (2.5 hrs from 10-12:30 and another hour from 5-6) even after feeling as badly as I did all day and not getting a nap. I am beyond exhausted now and hope to eat lunch and sleep. Instead of the same flush today from yesterday’s injection, I had night sweats and now I have the flush on isolated parts of my body (I am 24 hours since yesterday’s injection). The injection was in my left side and the flush is on my right side today (my right upper arm, the top of my right shin and thigh, the right side of my chest). Odd, odd, odd. And, I opted not to take the Benadryl because, honestly, I knew it would also put baby to sleep and I didn’t want the added stress of not being able to feel him move all day.
I am worried enough about how things might progress that I feel like I’m in a state of suspended animation. Even though I did a shower registry (and gifts have been purchased from it and are arriving), and even though I bought crib bedding and decor for his nursery, I am afraid, now, to move forward with any other purchases (there is a rug I need to order but can’t seem to, and a custom piece of art work which features a family of birds on a wire that corresponds to the number of people in your family, which I am also afraid to order). The idea of setting up a nursery and not having a baby to bring home to it is overwhelming. And, while I know the odds of survival improve every day, fear is an insidious partner.
I feel weak like I did yesterday which is likely adding to my malaise. I will feel abundantly better to make it to Tuesday’s MFM appointment. I can’t even fathom making it to my shower (I will be 31.5w then), but that is absolutely my next goal. Even if the fFN test is still positive, by my cervix is stable, I will be slightly more confident that I may make it to 32 weeks. I don’t know, there really isn’t a science to this.
As much as I do not want him to be born prematurely, the added stress of not knowing what might happen or when is weighing on me. There is something about the predictability of a planned c-section that brings me great relief so to have the opposite scenario hanging out there (my water breaking and rushing to the hospital for an emergency c-section) really scares me. I know that most women who have natural deliveries face the same uncertainty but the added component of possible prematurity greatly unnerves me.
“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.”